Post Trauma.

These past few days i have felt so low i can just melt into the ground without anyone noticing, hahhaha.

So i went back home to be nurtured, by my parents, siblings and of course my dear dear companion - my one and true companion. His love for me makes me want to weep - when i am the first person he looks for when he wakes up, and I am the person he follows around the house ( even to the toilet ). 

Like every Sunday, I went to church, and this time i felt that God was speaking to me directly. The message was for ME. On how i should love the person who first loved me, and how i should sow good seeds in my life. And the ultimate advise - You will reap what you sow.

In all these chaos, i managed to read this book on the journey back home. It revoked many feelings on how love should really be - and it should stand the test of time. I was really amazed at the writers descriptive skills. It made me giggle, laugh and definitely cry. 

You can check it out HERE!!

I also re-watched one of my favourite movie of all time. 

Synopsis here

This movie talks about a father's unconditional love for his young daughter. I don't know what was i thinking watching this movie again, 20 minutes into the movie, the waterworks began!! Damn! This movie gets to me every single time.

I have been very down, and i thank you all for reading my grey grey posts. hahhaha

But it all ends today. Starting from today I am going to sow (more) beautiful seeds of my life. To you,

No matter how bruised I am, i will always love you and i wish you nothing but the best in life.I know i will miss you terribly. I also acknowledge that sometimes love is not enough, i have never seen you as a failure but a person who has so much potential hence the pushing. In my eyes, you are far from a failure. Sometimes what we think we feel - it is just one dimension of the thousands. But still, nonetheless. Love for you and all my readers.

I hope you have a great great week. And what is life, if there is no ups and downs. What are downs if you don't cry when you hit the ground. I will keep in mind that God loves me so so much, that he has saved a place in heaven for me. And i will live for Him instead, and me, and those whom love me dearly and wants to see me grow.

A little quote for you: 

‎"Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation" - Kahlil Gibran

Ruined for good.

The saddest thing, is when you are not capable of feeling any emotions.

I wished i wasn't feeling this way, i wished i was feeling all jumpy, excited and happy to correct my mistake. Not exactly a mistake.Shit just happens. I am so numb, i don't know what to do. Some days i feel like screaming, i feel like banging the walls, just to release the anger and frustration.... to ruin something. So that i can see something ruin, other than my heart.

Yes, i am laughing, but it is not the laugh you think i am letting out. I wished i am here now, present but i am so distant - away to my own place.

All i can think about is what is going to happen, are we going to make it, if yes, can i truly laugh again with you. Can i feel joy with you, are you going to be enough. If things really take for a better turn, will our past be dragged along and are we going to battle with our demons everytime the going gets tough.

Yesterday i lay at night, i close my eyes and all i see is our past - out present seems grey and the future is ... something i dare not think about.

People keep telling me it's ok, it's ok. It's not freaking ok - don't you just hate it when people use that phrase to try to comfort you, but it just makes you feel sillier because you know it's not going to be ok.
But i can't blame them, that's all what they can say.

All the laughters, all the joy, all the jittery feelings, all the bear hugs and .... just memories. Sometimes love is just ain't enough huh...  Time will definitely tell, but that is the problem i can't wait. I want to know now so i can be prepared. I hate it when i see things only in black and white when clearly we are in a grey area.

It is a bad bad time for me, i can't even find joy from the new sexy dress i just bought. All i want is for God to come help me deal with this, carry all my worries and sadness, better yet - carry me through it all.
Because it is a cold, and quiet night. and i need some loving.

I really want someone to scoop me up and take me away. Give me something i deserve. No matter how hard i try wishing, the fact remains that no one will be there at the door for me.


Happy Wednesday to all of you. =) Don't worry i dug hard and still found some love for all of you out there. Have a great day/night. I'm just going to be sad for a while and let it go.

It is pouring, and my heart is raining.

Today i manage to squeeze some time to go the mall - to finally get that amazing dress. A (little - very subjective) something to lift me up from my grey grey days.

After that, i was rushing for time to go home, it has been raining the whole day. It was wet,cold and very depressing. I was tired so i raced to the nearest train station. I was the only person walking as it was still raining softly and there was a sea of cars - sometimes i thank God for my legs.

A few minutes before my eyes could meet the train station. I was scared to death by something lying on the bare wet tiles on the sidewalk. I saw a dirty man, with some collected tins and cans beside him. I don't know if he was sleeping. All i know was that i wasn't expecting to see anyone to lie there like that. My heart was still jumping - but i walked on, towards the train station.

As i see my feet, alternating, left and right, left and right. What do you know what raced through my mind? Do i still want to walk on?

I turned back, opened my wallet, dug out what i could give after deducting my train fare. I told him to buy himself dinner. All he did was to clasp his hand together, and i saw thankfulness and relieve in his eyes. I don't know how many car drivers saw me turning back, i wished all of them saw that, and at least a few of them ( those with the big,comfy and shiny black cars ) could one day, give out something that means so little to them, but means everything to the person lying on the floor.

My heart aches so much to see these people, i know its life, i know there's nothing i  can do - wait a minute. I can do something, i can change something. So can you. It takes a few dollars to help someone, it takes 5 minutes to help a blind man find his location.

Just the other day i was rushing, really rushing - as in 2 seconds count. And i saw this old man with silver hair,with his hands moving in the air - finding for something to hold on. I look at my watch - i am really rushing - it's ok i told myself, just this once.

I couldn't do it, i turned back and help the poor man. He was searching for a particular restaurant, which i have totally no idea where is it. To cut the story short, i brought him there, and it took me 5 minutes.

It takes so little, so so little to make someone's day. Let that day start tomorrow. It doesn't hurt to be kind or helpful. It is what this world needs. Sometimes, it is the small things that matter. Don't let us, be a cruel nation in the making, where our moral is corroded off, to give way for material and selfishness. You can make a difference. Yes, you can.

Love for each and everyone of you.. Happy Tuesday night! =)

Fighting my own war.

Hello readers!! I don't know all of you, but i wish you well. I hope you had a great weekend and wishing your week ahead will be easy, breezy and beautiful!!

Lately i have been rather down, with my own set of worries. I hung unto some close friends and family and now i am feeling better. Today i will be talking to you why i have been so bitter lately.

I am not a gentle person, but i am a gentle person ( get what i mean? ) I can't be a gentle person, i could if i want to, but i can't - because everyone's worries and troubles and agendas are on my shoulders. I bet, you would ask, then, why not just let things go and not worry.

Honestly, there are people who worries, i am one of them, but not a chronic case. I worry because no one else worries. Maybe they do, but never shown on the outside. I do so many things because no one does them for me, or for themselves. So i often i over-work myself and i get tired of that cycle and frustrated with everyone, especially men.

I'm sorry (guy) readers, but my blog has often been the only thing that i talk to, and it comforts me greatly. And i have to be honest, but bear in mind that these are my experience, it may or may not be the true out there.

I have very little faith in men, simple because no men so far has proven to have any sense of responsibility, sensitivity, or humility. The men i meet are really, "raw" . I wished there were more dynamic, responsible and open men out there. Whenever i need a man to step up to the situation, most of them back down, acting like a complete wuss. It happens with the small situations and the big ones.

They just simply don't want to/ afraid to say things that is needed to be said, do things that is needs to be done and take responsibility for their actions, behavior and words. They will just keep quiet and pretend nothing happened. Sometimes i step up to it, and i know it makes people uncomfortable, i mean someone's got to do the job. Someone has to got to be the bad cop, and i am the bad cop - simple because i posses something call " straightforwardness, bluntness and i will always be truthful ". And i wished someday, someone will stand up for me, and be the bad cop, so for once in my life i don't feel like a bad person, an over-worked,frustrated, tired person.

I know i wrote that men should be emotional, but until a state it erodes the things that a man can really and should do - it's just wrong ( for me at least ). I see this more in the younger generation. I have the uttermost respect for my dad, because he is truly a man - he does the right things even when he doesn't like it simple because it is for the better, he does things for others because he has to, he steps up to it, no matter how heavy, difficult or ugly the situation may be. In someways i see myself in him, but i don't want too - because it is tiring. And i know how tired is he, hopefully someday i can show him how grateful i am for stepping up for me all the time, in all situations.

Maybe it comes with age and maturity. Maybe they change into such beautiful men when they have children - to practice selflessness. If i can find some friends who i can really count on, or a man who can step up for me. It would be very nice. I would really like that.

 Sincere love for all of you, :)

A beautiful song for all of you beautiful readers.

Have a Happy Weekend!!

 

Is it what it really seems to be?

I just had to blog on this topic, i felt that it was crying out to me.. 

I read about it in the newspaper a few days ago, the writer (Asha Gill) explained the importance of crying, for both men and women. The benefits of crying, and she too, cannot fathom why crying, in your own space/public is seem as weak, unacceptable.

I for one, cannot agree more.

Both men and women are capable of falling in love, feeling happy and sad and we both grieve.
If you think about it, we are the same. Yes, indeed we both men and women work differently on many levels. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, right? or the other way around? either way, i disagree.
Because deep down, when things really matters, we all act the same way, we all feel the same way. Men just hide it because .... it's what they are supposed to do.
I can't help but wonder why - is it because they are brought up that way?Men are supposed to be macho about most things, they normally don't show an ounce of emotions, maybe a few - happiness, anger, excited. Maybe crying, in this terms, for men, are way too extreme. However, i constantly find myself bewildered (among friends), the enormous amount of ego men can produce when they need to cover their feelings and emotions - although we all know what these poor men really feel deep down inside.

Some of my friends say that men, do feel all the same things women feel, it is just the way it is conveyed. Men just can't expressed as well as ladies. Me : That is where the problem really starts, don't you think in any situation it is always better to sit down and talk about it - which generally leads to solving the problem, rather than just showing your emotions in a negative way { in this case, i would say frustration and anger }. Generally, the men i know, don't express themselves at all, and i am so angry with myself when i am placed in this kind of situations, simply because, i really want to help by listening but i can't at all because i don't know what is going on inside his head and his heart. And i can see the sadness in their eyes, but they just can be explained or express in words!

I believe that if a man is capable to love, he is capable of a heartbreak ( he won't show it- i know ). He might not cry in the toilet, or on the bus.. but i think sometimes he really want to. Guys, your macho-ness won't corrode away even if you show the gentle and softer side of you. Those who do show it, you have all my respect to go against the odds to show them.

Cheers to all the men out there who can identify their feelings, and lay them out!! =)

What makes my world go round.

Hey wassup you guys!! It's a while, {sorry!} i have been really busy.
Today, marks a brand new chapter of my life, not really, in fact i am just feeling kick ass in spirit and honestly, physically i am about to collapse.

I have been pretty busy with Mr. Brown.

He is my love, i picked him up about 2 months ago. Despite what he has went through, he is strong and his will is unbeatable. When doctors said he couldn't make it through the night, he fought hard and survived till the next morning. With his body filled with toxins, he survived a very risky surgery. About 5 days later, he was running around like nothing went wrong in the first place.

Everyday me and my sister, and occasionally my dad - we cook for him, care for him, talk him out for long walks { he is super active}, clean him, wipe him, bathe him, feed him his antibiotics, put him to sleep {yes, we love him that much - we even sing him to sleep}.

He sleeps like this :

That yellow little thing is his toy.

He sleeps with me in my room, on his own mattres, wakes up pretty early - not very sure the exact time. One thing for sure is that, at 7 am sharp. He wakes me up, by, licking my face - imagine - very wet and cold.

If i dont wake up, he pulls my pillow slightly , if not he will lick my fingers, sometimes he will sort of 'knock my bed stand' gentle .... if all fails..... he will cry. And he will do this until i am awake, standing on my feet.
Sometimes, i am like .......... can i just fake that i am sleeping. NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO
He just knows it. But honestly, i am so delighted to wake up to a face looking like this, even though i am so tired.

He has a tremendous amount of energy in him, like 1 second after i open the gate, he is ready to sprint { i can't even open my eyes yet }. Sometimes it is really difficult because he just wants to play all the time. Besides that, he really loves eating sand, and the wall, and biting wood. He had vomitted plastic stuffs out, and my dad had to pull a rafia string out from his butt while he was poo-ing. Yikes!

Did i mention he loves newspapers? We try our very best to put all the things aways - it's just amazing how he can find them, catch hold of it in his mouth - and when i try to catch him, he runs like 10000 km/h.

This is what his teeth look like:

Mr. Brown is full of love, forgiveness and filled to the brinked with positivity. Everyday, he still tries to pee through his penis - everytime feels like peeing. Despite that his urine is not able to be excreted from him penis up till today. And  then you can see all the sadness in the world right through his eyes but within seconds he is all bouncy again. He is so smart - that we have never trained him. He only pee {pee drippin from his stoma is not taken into account because he cannot control the act} and poo in the garden, or not in the toilet!!!! Without training. Can you believe it??

The other day, we left him in the porch before we left for church, when we came back looking for him, to our amazement - he miraculously sqeezed himself through the grill door because it was too hot, even with the shade.

I love him so much,We { my dad looks forward to see him everyday once he reaches home, my mom talks to him like a person sometimes, and i was touched when i saw her kissing Mr Brown the other day - she has never kissed any of our dogs}. He has brought us much needed love into our family, along with so much warmth and joy. He protects me, keeps me company, loves me{ he follows me where ever i go}, i sometimes feel so bad that i have to leave him home when we go out for dinner.

This is how he looks when he is guarding the house or waiting for someone:

He will be 4 months old in 12 days. I thank God for allowing this beautiful soul to come into my life. He has shown me what love really is, what this slogan really means " Don't stop trying " . When i see him running,eating or even when he is mischevious - i thank God for letting Mr. Brown to stay here with me.

Being 4 months old - he has gone through too much, and the reason we pamper him{try not to overdo it} is because he deserves everything and all my time that i can give.

He is growing way too fast, i wished i could spend every second with him ,so i won't miss a thing at all.

Happy Monday to all of you, may your week be filled with love. =)

Patience and Time

Holidays are almost up, this time around, my holiday is much of a roller coaster ride.
With disappointing events, and my pup being knocked-down. I am pretty much exhausted.
But most of all, i am just feeling down, with recent events in my life.

Have you ever wondered the one thing that keeps your from being happy or successful.
For me it is patience. I have none. Actually i have heaps of them, but i am impatient.
Because i feel so tired. Tired of trying, Tired of waiting. Tired of everyone.

Because people are just such a pain sometimes. We are all so unstable, always-wavering. And all i want is just a definite answer or something that doesn't move or change. And patience is energy and time - and if you realize time IS everything.

I guess God has His very own  way to teach us what we have to learn. And this time around. The situation He placed me in, just spells -

 P A T I E N C E

Nothing i can do but to accept it, although quite reluctantly, i will- maybe in a few days time.

I can either be bitchy, bitter or have a better attitude about this. I am certain at the end of all these, i will definitely be better than i am today.

Thank you Lord, for loving me, still wanting to teach me the lessons of life, i believe in this situation - that will help me cope with my life better. I might not see the bigger picture, and sometimes wrestle with you because i really don't like to go through the things that you put me through. But thank you. I know only You know me best and mean well.

Today i am feeling a little down, nonetheless , have an awesome weekend peeps!!!

Despite me being down, i still have lotsa love for all of you!! =)

What love really means.

This is how he waits for someone to come home.

Sometimes it just breaks me, to know, 

that only non-humans could love you so much.

Could be so unconditional.

Wishlist

Totally need this dress. haha.

Love and be loved.

I can be angry and frustrated, or sad and disappointed, flying and full with joy, or down with despair.
But when i just spend time with Mr. Brown it all goes away.

Why don't you?

Get a pet too, and let your pet show you what true love, patient, compassion really really means.
Happy Sunday to you!! =)

p/s : Be always filled with love in your heart, for anything and anyone. No matter bad things are.
       No matter how much it hurts. So you can move on, knowing you have given your all.
       It gives you back so much more in life. Start today.

Aren't we all weird in our very own special way?

Happy Friday!

=)

Daddy's Girl.

Of liquid and dirt.

The other day, i was just walking around a night market to get some groceries. Like every other outings to the venue, i would stumble across people (disabled) who would sit down/ lie down on the floor to beg from the people around them.

This particular guy had only one leg, no fingers, i honestly don't know how he ended up there to beg..

I feel deeply for those who are less fortunate than me, not to say i am very fortunate, well i lead a normal life, sometimes enough for extras, and seeing people who don't have the necessities in life is just, well, .. what we call life i supposed.

Normally when i see old people, or disabled people i try to give as much as i can to them, simply because i am way much better than them. Then there's this thing about syndicates, where the beggars are places by a group of people at a particular place to collect money, so my mom says that we should give them money, as we will then encourage them to beg more. So i thought to myself, so what.. i mean like, it's not like they want to be in that cycle, they can't even help themselves.

If you were carrying hundred bucks in your pocket, on the way to the mall, and you have saved up for months to get that beautiful shirt/shoes/bag/pants that you really love, and on the way there - you came across a frail, old, dirty and smelly men, begging you for food or money.

What would you do?

God said to take care of the less fortunate, have i? i try. But never to the extend to go to a center and help those people who are in need. Just what i can see in front of me. Sometimes i want a designer bag, or some beautiful dainty shirt that cost a bomb, and just one more high heel to complete my shoe cupboard- and i still don't feel contented whilst there are people out there who just want a blanket to keep themselves warm or a decent meal to keep their stomach from eating itself.

It is always best to compare to those who are worst off in life, because seeing things from that perspective, you will then know that our glass is almost full, but sometimes we focus too much on that 5% of emptiness.
At least me, i focus too much on that 5% that i don't have.

Do you? True contentment and satisfaction comes from God ( at least to me ), somehow i feel that i am enough when i set my mind unto Him.

Happy Monday you guys!! Have a wonderful day ahead!! =)

Happy Weekend!!

I have a little thing for feathers. It's so pretty!!

Anyways, have a happy happy weekend!

This is how Mr. Brown sleeps sometimes,

my cutie!! =)

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