Blogs and Time.

I was sleepy and tired a while ago. That moment just left me. Pppffffttt.....

And here i am snacking on my muesli!!! ( It's for breakfast!!!)
And i have a day off tomorrow and i really just wanna relax.
After the holiday, i fell ill, but i dragged my ass to uni anyway. Because time flies like mad and my course mates are graduating ( I'm deferring ), and i feel all emotional because there's exactly one month left, to loud like mad, and talk while lecturers are teaching and get ourselves called out to solve equations!! (the high of it).
And i particularly remember how my friends cheer me up when i am down after a test (after knowing all the silly mistakes i have made) All of us are smart, in very different ways. They are those who, if come across a difficult question, will try no matter what. and I am the type who don't bother trying because i don't have a clue what the question is asking of me!! In the end, we all get ZERO. So we just laughed out loud, at the ink wasted.

Time really flies. If i could stop growing old, i just wanna grow up.
What lies ahead of me, i have a dream. Many dreams to be fulfilled.
I am greedy!! If i can dream, i can fulfill it!!! =)

Ya... so, Mondays and Tuesdays are like.. Spin class, super tiring, it seems forever.
Here i am going through blogs.. after blogs. Just makes me feel a little better. =)

Are u listening?? Anyone out there? 

Updates..

I was reading through my blog and i realized that i haven't updated much about me being more gentle for the lent period, plus its 3am and i can't sleep at all.

So, have i been more gentle these days? I would say yes to that question, but not entirely.

I have been more gentle to myself. For example its ok to not score well, and its ok to totally not study when i don't feel like it. Its OK to not go to the gym and bla bla bla. (I always expect myself to do certain things by certain time, if failed to do so... you don't wanna know . hahhahah )

But what is more important is that, i realized i'm way easier on myself, not so much of pressure on myself.
And when i talk, i try not to jump, or react as if there's a nuclear explosion, but sometimes i find myself too refine. Like. UNNATURAL. But it does me some good. I guess, its nicer to hear gentle people talk.
I don't allow myself to think negative thoughts, even if i do, its just one minute and i let it go.

And the most true success, which i have to share is that. ..

The other day, i was hanging out with one of the most irritating chauvinistic pig ever, the kind where he has to have the last say, and his ways are better than yours kind. So i was terrified that i would feel all beaten up like i always do. He was insulting, and mean as usual. But this time, i didn't even bother to say anything back to him. Because you know why? its such a waste of time. And guess what, in the process of being mean to others, he managed to put his girlfriend down numerous time. I felt so much pain for her. I stood up for her a few times, but i could see that every time he tried to insult somebody, she ended up being insulted as well, but he quickly did something to comfort her feelings. Just heart breaking....
Why in the world is she stuck with a guy, who needs to brag and insult people in order to feel that he is better than others? That was the ultimate revenge.

So was i glad? Not really. I felt awful... because i first felt great that he made such a blunder.
But then again. What could i have done? I guess i did good this time.
And i hope i carry on being more gentle as i age, and for the rest of my life.

Isn't life amusing sometimes?

My eyes are a little heavy. Good night peeps. =)

Future of mine.

Today my lecturer offered us jobs. Saying that all we have to do, is just hand in our resumes and he will try to help us. For a moment i thought i could be happy. Then he has to spoil it all by saying.
Just make sure your CGPA is high enough......
My heart just skipped TEN BEATS. Enough already with the qualifications.
Everyone is so up the butt with that. EVEN ME.

I don't score well in exams, i don't know why. Maybe because i don't have passion for this course that i picked.
I don't regret it, because doing this bloody hard course makes me dig deeper into my life.
So do i really want to work as an investment banker? Or totally as an actuary?

Or am i going to be one of those, who has an actuarial science degree but takes photographs, paints and wears my thoughts through my clothes. Hmmm.. i guess i won't know it now, but i hope soon.
Maybe i should just serve tables... what a waste of talent and brains.

So my friend said to me, " You've worked before in banks and retail outlets. I am sure your experience will surpass the need for a high CGPA score. Faring well in education sector is not everything you know"
For a moment it made me feel good. But when i got home, i googled!! and to be in the investment sector, you do need to be smart, quick, heartless and smart again!!! =S

What is mine, will be mine. What is not mine, will not even cross my path.

=)

After my busy and tiring week at uni, i had a little getaway @ Bukit Tinggi.

Bukit Tinggi is just over an hour's drive from Kuala Lumpur City centre and lies some 2,500 feet above sea level. Colmar Tropicale, located in Bukit Tinggi, Pahang, is a replica of a collection of buildings from a north-eastern village in France dating back to the 16th Century. Pretty Pretty..

By the time we reach Bukit Tinggi, it was almost evening, i didn't have the chance to snap away as it was getting dark. If you're going for a holiday in groups, it would be more fulfilling, there is nothing much to be done there. 

But it was fulfilling for me because i just needed a break.

Dinner !! Pizza was awesome =)

        
                                        View from a tower at night. Beautiful lights!! =)

Day light view.

Just a few random snaps of the place.

                                                                             

                                                            Entrance of Colmar Tropicale.

There's a beautiful small pond, in the garden.
There're black and white swans, but the white swans
are far more interesting =) because they thought
my hands are some kind of edible food?

On our way up to the Japanese Tea House.

It was getting a little chill. (3500 feet above sea level)

However it made our little climb, a little more comfortable. =)

Look!!! No sky scrapers!! 

On the way up to the Japanese Tea House.

There were many types of trees, and 

many beautiful colorful birds too!! 

(I don't get to see birds very often in the city)

And of course the was a large pond filled with colorful koi fishes.

We had a little fun taking pictures with the Japanese traditional attire(Kimono)

We we so busy taking pictures of ourselves in the attire we totally forgot to snap

our surrounding.. =P.

After that, we headed to the Japanese botanical garden.

We were kinda tired so, not many pictures were taken there.

Last night of my getaway!!

I had lotsa fun, not really fun... cause there's nothing much to do, and it is very small. But its was quiet and slow. Exactly what i needed. However, it is not a place for a long vacation. =)

Getaway!! =D

more to come...

Frustrating.

Hey peeps, wassup!!!

I haven't been able to rest properly since my last paper ended. Simply because my body is cranky and its going haywire. That's exactly what i feel today too..

I went to the gym, someone was supposed to be in there already, but when i went there. No one was inside and that particular person.. might have finished and locked up. So, i really wanna use the gym ok.. And i am super tight for time, i have exactly 30 minutes for a quick run before i start my day.. Normally i would go to the gym during evening or at night.. And i know today i won't make it through the day as well because my body is tired..

So there you go. Frustration. Don't like it. But there are people in this world ... who adds to it.
AArrrrggggghhhhh. Sleep deprived, and frustration. I will bark. And Bite. Today.
hhahahahahhahaha

Nostalgic

Ever had that feeling when you listen to a certain song, or smell a particular scent..
which brings you back to the past.. like 10 years ago...

This is the song my dad use to listen to... and i just came across it..

Life In uni,

The past week was just crazy. Exposures, loss models, gamma, alpha, beta, poisson, geometri... of UDD and de Moivre's Law, constand force of mortality, common shock, one life dies, another lives..
and there's anomalies, T-bills, Repurchase Agreements, and the expectation theory and the preferred habitat theory and so much more.

I am pretty glad that week is so over. But i wished i had more time, to study and master questions so i could have gotten high marks. But its all past, so just get over with it right. I still have one more last test on Monday though.

Today, is one of the days i feel empty but i don't do anything. I don't shop ( God know how long i have been in my room studying for all my test and assignments - i think its been about 3 weeks. )
So i tried sleeping.. if you don't know by now.. i have a serious sleeping problem.I lay there just tossing and turning - i am so exhausted but i just can't get the sleep. My body has been over working.. and most probably in shocked mode.. With sleep less than 5 hours a day, and classes, and test, and assignments, and all the reading...
I wonder how i survived.. aren't we all awesome, our body can go through so much like its nothing.. and i totally have to thank God for this awesome creation- my body.

Today i feel so lonely and empty. Maybe its because i haven't been going out to see the world.
I'm just here, in my room, being best friends with my book when the reality is that we're sworn enemies(periodically, not all the time). Only when i am stressed,we're enemies.

So i took a long bath, and tried studying. My head is really hurts, and nothing seems to be entering.
Now is the time i need some tender loving care.
So i think i am going to paint. =)

Of brains and gym.

HElllllllllloooooooooooooooooooooooo...

This whole week is just crazy.. its just amazing how am i still alive...

I had a test today, which i have been study for since the last weekend.... 

It was relatively easy and i could do it, but i'll never know how many silly mistakes i made..

I was disturbed by the fact it was easy, but i couldn't score... its definitely better than being.. getting a super 

hard paper and getting zero... I mean.. it's totally me... Why the hell can't i just do it right without all the unnecessary nonsense......

I just let it go because it couldn't change anything.. 

After class i came home and tried to get some sleep, so i kept sniffing the lavender oil, because it really helps me,

to calm my nerves and it puts me to sleep really quickly...

So i fell asleep.

And when my alarm rang.. i felt so tired. My body felt really heavy.. and i just wanted to

lie back down to continue sleeping, but i can't because i have a paper tomorrow as well and i need to rush some assignments. So i sat on my chair, my mind is blank.

I can't think, i don't wanna waste time... but i realized my brain really couldn't work because is going in..

It's not working because its too tired...  OMG. 

EXHAUSTION REDEFINED

So.. here i am just typing words.. and its not going through my mind.. i am going to the gym now..... to kick start my exhausted mind..

How to people do this shit?????????

Day 6 of lent

Have i have been more gentle?

I guess so, the first few days, was a bit difficult for me, because i have always been
blunt and carefree.... and said whatever i wanted to say to whoever.. (thats bad)

So yesterday after being emo and sad because no one cared about me..
I tried to stop myself from self destruction and it worked..
I just told myself.. i can't let this one time ( once in a blue moon)
to put a label on people who have cared about me for such a long time.
And i didn't even feel that it was difficult at all.

I guess.. slowly and surely. i will be more gentle, with myself and others. =)

Sick and sick of it.

Yesterday i had a massive sore throat, so i tried my level best to fight it.
I felt a little feverish as well. I know very well why i was sick...

These are difficult time, i haven't got to rest properly for a reasonable number of days.
Stress is creeping up my shoulders. And i have no time to cook for myself
because i have to drown myself in my books, for my test and my assignments.
So i have been eating cereal for most of my meals.... hence the sore throat.

Today morning, i felt groggy... and by noon, totally feverish.
So i can't do my work and study.. because i need to think.. and my head
felt really heavy...

So i laid down to rest, and as my fever became higher and higher.. i could feel it
because i feel that my head is being fried... I tried to call my dad, and mom,
and my sister. But no one was free to bother.

So i laid down and fell asleep.

A while later i woke up with bloodshot eyes. So i dragged myself out
to get a cab, to go see a doctor. While in the cab, i just realized that...
Aren't we all alone in the end?

So the doctor said, rest well, don't stress yourself. The normal, drink
lotsa fluid and bla bla bla.

So while waiting for my cab, i really felt terrible, my head was painful and groggy,
my back ached like mad, and i just felt weak.. and guess what..?? That's the time
there was no cab to be seen. *perfect timing*

I don't like to be sick, because then.. i am weak. and i can't take care of myself.
And its the time i realized that there's no one else to take care of me.
So i can't study, i can't cook porridge for myself, i can't stand up for 2 minutes,
i can't think.. i can't do anything- while my due-dates are fast approaching.
And on top of that, i have to feel i'm all alone. Sadness redefined.

Lazzy saturday noon.

I wanna have mash potatoes.
I wanna have chocolate cake.
And chocolate pudding..
And i wanna have garlic bread.
And spaghetti with meatballs.
And ..................... Not do the dishes after that.

Test in a few hours.. its a small test, but contributes to my final exam,
I always feel jittery before test. And i always manage to get blank and totally
forget all my formulas.. hahhaha..

Lets hope i don't do that this time around.. =)
Wish me luck peeps.

After 9 hours.

I must say, it is really difficult to be gentle and kind- to the good people and the bad people.
I try not to roll my eyes, or show a disgusting face... its difficult.hahhahahha
maybe i should just be... not expressive at all.

But i will tryyyyyyyyyyyyy everydayyyyyyyyyyyy

Lent

Its the first day of lent, i was thinking hard what would i wanna do this time.

Its the time to go back to God, for repentance, and i don't wanna do something that i wouldn't challenge myself.
I don't wanna go vegetarian or just to show that my body is into it.
I want my soul, my heart, my thought, and my body to be into it.
So i was thinking about what i should do.

Then i thought about it, and i came a cross an article about how we should all be gentle and full of grace with our loved ones. So i thought , hey, why not i try this. Since i am not the so-gentle-type of girl.

Its not about being gentle, i am gentle for my loved ones, maybe not full of grace.
This would be a challenge for me, like 100% challenge.
So i pray God, that in this lent period, may i be more like you *a fraction*.
I am sorry for all the sins i have committed, when i shouted at my parents, when i let myself think lowly myself and wallow in self-pity, or i questioned You. So, i will try very hard in these 3 months to a little more like you. To know that You are always with me, and i am worth it and i should be more gentle and graceful, towards myself, my thoughts, my life, my parents, my siblings, and all around me, even the cashier-guy.

I want to be more graceful, and kind and gentle towards everything and everyone in this world.

Satisfaction.

I am not satisfied that i wrote such a short blog.. so after studying a few pages... here i am!!

Satisfaction, as i mentioned in my earlier blog i am not in the mood to study.
A few days ago, my guy friend said something like ,
 " Van, can you look at the other girls? You need to be more like them "

I was hurt, i am not girlish enough to everyone around me. But if you look into me,
and my heart and my actions. I am indeed, every inch of me, is girly enough.
He was one of my close friends, and for him to say something like that just shows that
he doesn't know me at all.

But why am i looking for answer from other people. Why am i feeling hurt when people
say what they see. And why am i fussing over it, when i don't even show my true self in the first place?

Today i feel totally like.... rubbish. One of those days you wanna feel good but there's no amount
of comfort food can do it, neither does shopping, or music, or drawing. So i told myself *self deception*
for the coming event that i am going to attend, i have to get a knockout dress to look my best.
* The boost i give myself is to look hot and pretty - to compensate my emptiness.

And emptiness i try to fill, by looking answers not from myself from others.
I believe its me, its all me and my unsatisfactory life.

And then my best , all time favourite, i can tell him anything friend came along.
And he told me that besides being hot and sexy, there are also other another side of me.
He didn't wanna tell me but he did in the end.

He said i am warm, and the person i really am ... caring, fond and kind... and there are many other desirable traits..and i am hot and sexy.

I teared a little to hear him say that, life is harsh, i am more harsh on myself. Sometimes i really feel like
i am a lousy person. Like i totally suck. If i don't suck- I am not suppose to feel this way right..
If i am not lousy then why does it seem so blurry and why am i so lost.
I felt relief, hearing someone tell me that i am a good person, from a person who
really knows me inside out.

So maybe its just another average not so good day, if i had more true friends.
We all need a little positive info every once in a while, don't we?
Sometimes i need opinions from another dimension other than myself.

And its good to know, i am doing great. But still, satisfaction is not achieved by
listening what we want to hear, but from deep within. I will work on that.
Little baby steps.

Procastination

i have so many tests coming up.
But i don't feel like studying a bit.
Telling myself "later later later"
I'm going to cry my eyes out cursing that
if only .... i had more time....
then maybe i would have gotten an A....

Can't do this shit. I HAVE TO STUDY NOW.
Bye.

A change of lappie.

Yooo.. peeps.. wassup...
I had a bad/ horrible + good weekend. I've been too busy to update my blog.
What really happened wass.....

Right after my last blog, my lappie crashed- like big time.
So i huffed and i puffed and i cried in frustration and begged it to be ok. But it won't go away.
All the worms and horses that haunted my little lappie..
So i had to go home, to get my laptop changed.

So after my class on thursday, i went to catch a bus to go home... it was a bloody boring ride.
There was no stars in the sky because it was about to rain. Thick heavy clouds..
And the bus was freezing cold, poor me.. i only had a thin piece of cloth called cardigan.

Being home is the beessstttt feeling ever, but it all gets better.. not only i get to change my lappie with Mr.X.
So i can take Mr.X's and then i can send mine to the workshop. =)
Guess what... i also got a new pair of glasses.. My previous one was about 3 years old and i am so tired of that boring look.. so i a super spanking awesome one!!! =D

That was pretty much about the exciting news. the bad news that i am way behind time.
For my assignments and also for my studying for all the tests... All my lappie's fault!! HAH!
So ... i need to work on my speed and my brain cells.  Lets hope i don't catch a fire.

Stress Alert.

Yesterday was a bad bad monday because i didn't get to sleep like a baby. This is how sometimes i hate myself for having insomnia.

1 am      : I off my lights, put some lavender oil on my pillow. Tuck myself in.
1.05 am : Looks at the ceiling.
1.06 am : Looks at the cupboard.
1.07 am : Looks at the wall.
1.08 am : Looks at my table.
1.09 am : *finding that comfortable spot*
1.10 am : Talks to my little ashley *cute little red pig*
1:11 am : Close my eyes and pray to God, to give me rest.
1:15 am : Opens eyes.
4.30 am : Looks at the ceiling.
5:00 am : Still tossing and turning.
5:30 am : Finally, i'm drifting away to dream land.
7:00 am : Alarm ringssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

Yea, so i dragged myself out of bed, bathe with my eyes closed. When i reached uni, i am restless, and tired and within 3 minutes of a tutorial or lecture i feel like dying. But the day got better because my friends were being so goofy and funny, i kept laughing until my stomach ached. So i got home at 7 in the evening. I have to study and do my tutorials, and go to the gym and cook dinner.
In the end i just ate bread, skipped gym and dived straight into tutorials.

I really don't understand how lecturers work...
  
     What is being taught in lectures :  X
     What is being asked in tutorials : Y + Z
     What is test in finals                  : 0.05X + 0.2(Y + Z)

What is the purpose? To teach one thing and ask us another thing, and test us on a fraction of both?
To cut the super long story short, every single time i do my finance tutorials, i end up sitting on my chair for hours, because i have to read the lecture notes again and again, and then try to search the net for answers. Showing up in tutorials with no answers is.... you will get beheaded.

So i went to bed,this time i just died. hahhahaha... Tuesdays are a bit more relaxing. Still 8-5 classes, but i have 2 hours break instead of just an hour... i skipped gym again today. I feel super tired, my chest is tight, like gasping for air??? Tell tale sign that my body is literally rejecting the idea of what is going to happen for the next few weeks.....

Week 8 - 3 test + 1 quiz
Week 9 - 1 test + 2 assignments due date + 1 quiz
Week 10 - 1 test + 1 quiz.

The quiz is such a pain in the ass, it goes on for 10 weeks, one mark per each quiz.
So for you to totally get 10 marks. You have to get 1/1 for each quiz, which consist of 10 questions.
Lecturers are mad.

Stress alert!!!!!!!!!!!!


But guess what? Even with all these stress, i still wanna study. However the only thing that is stopping me is ...... i keep wanting to go to the mall to get groceries.. totally crazy.