Satisfaction.

I am not satisfied that i wrote such a short blog.. so after studying a few pages... here i am!!

Satisfaction, as i mentioned in my earlier blog i am not in the mood to study.
A few days ago, my guy friend said something like ,
 " Van, can you look at the other girls? You need to be more like them "

I was hurt, i am not girlish enough to everyone around me. But if you look into me,
and my heart and my actions. I am indeed, every inch of me, is girly enough.
He was one of my close friends, and for him to say something like that just shows that
he doesn't know me at all.

But why am i looking for answer from other people. Why am i feeling hurt when people
say what they see. And why am i fussing over it, when i don't even show my true self in the first place?

Today i feel totally like.... rubbish. One of those days you wanna feel good but there's no amount
of comfort food can do it, neither does shopping, or music, or drawing. So i told myself *self deception*
for the coming event that i am going to attend, i have to get a knockout dress to look my best.
* The boost i give myself is to look hot and pretty - to compensate my emptiness.

And emptiness i try to fill, by looking answers not from myself from others.
I believe its me, its all me and my unsatisfactory life.

And then my best , all time favourite, i can tell him anything friend came along.
And he told me that besides being hot and sexy, there are also other another side of me.
He didn't wanna tell me but he did in the end.

He said i am warm, and the person i really am ... caring, fond and kind... and there are many other desirable traits..and i am hot and sexy.

I teared a little to hear him say that, life is harsh, i am more harsh on myself. Sometimes i really feel like
i am a lousy person. Like i totally suck. If i don't suck- I am not suppose to feel this way right..
If i am not lousy then why does it seem so blurry and why am i so lost.
I felt relief, hearing someone tell me that i am a good person, from a person who
really knows me inside out.

So maybe its just another average not so good day, if i had more true friends.
We all need a little positive info every once in a while, don't we?
Sometimes i need opinions from another dimension other than myself.

And its good to know, i am doing great. But still, satisfaction is not achieved by
listening what we want to hear, but from deep within. I will work on that.
Little baby steps.