Conditional love.

Make me happy and i will love you back.
Love me and i will love you back.
But when it gets hard, i will break up with you.

Is that love? What is love? Nowadays, people love with conditions. Its hard to find someone
who loves unconditionally anymore. And it is costing us, all of us alot- the rising divorce rates.
And i feel sometimes i do practice conditional loving, because of my ego, selfishness and my pride.
But that happens rarely- maybe with my parents *ahhahhahahha* because they still treat me like a child,
and sometimes its really sweet but its also frustrating at the same time... because i wanna explore
and reach out to the unreached- and it is often dampen.

So yea, what exactly is unconditional love?
When you fall in love with a person, its all beautiful right? The sky is bluer than ever,
even the sea tastes sweet, the flowers suddenly blooms when you walk by.
All is good and perfect. But what happens when things are going the opposite way?
What if you guys failed to communicate, or distance are tearing you apart,
or you guys are trying to keep the flame alive. Or has the everyday stress creep up your relationship wall? Has the romance died? Or you guys are just plain tired?

Even in these situations, if you can still love the person and accept him then it is unconditional love.
You would give even if he couldn't give you back.
And he would give even if you can't give back.

Back to the simple rule : Compromise. Which most of us aren't willing to do it.
Because we all have this " I deserve better " rule. It is true if your treated unfairly and you feel bad most of the time and he doesn't work as hard as you regarding the relationship maybe its time to move on.

So where is the breaking point? 

If God was here.

If i could touch Him, i would hug Him.
If i could see Him, i wished he would wipe away my tears and take all my pain away.
I wished He could look into my eyes and see my pain.
But all of my pain is non compared for the pain He suffered for me at the cross.

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

How humane of me,wanting to feel and touch Him. 

I have lost His warmth, and i am so impatient-wanting Him to be here.

So i could be comforted. Sorry and Please Forgive me.

Take away my pain. Let me close my eyes and rest.

Fly Awayyyyy

Yesterday my friends and i went for this great adventure.
We headed down to Shah Alam, Taman Pertanian. It's basically a jungle made into a park, filled with fun pack activities. About 23 of us participated in a circuit game consisting of flying fox, walking in nets, balancing act, all up in the air..  [ Check it out yourself http://www.skytrex-adventure.com/contact.php].
While a few others preferred to just cycle around the park.. Bike were for rent for a starting rate for RM3, and RM1 every subsequent hour.

Initially i was a little scared because its about 17m up in the air... but eventually i got over it and it was so much fun... we didn't take much photos while playing because we all were so focused on trying to not fall off anything... So we only took photos after completing the circuit.. =)

All of those who played the games.

Having dinner after the games =)

I had so much funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn =D WWWEeeeeeeeee

I am feeling the Monday blues... and i will have the Tuesday blues as well..

Judgement

Mistakes mistakes mistakes. The exam paper i got back from the lecturer, was scribbled with red pen.
I got only 30% and i will never forget the facial expression he had on his face back then. It was disgust and he has that look in his eyes. " You better not fail this subject " was what he said to me in frustration.

It was my first test out of the 3 tests i was supposed to sit for. I was frustrated because while he was ranting away about my poor performance, i was checking my answers. All my mistakes were so silly and it caused me that much??? On top on that i had to deal with this man who is judging me like i am a failure in life.

So i said " I won't fail this subject " and walked away very hurt.

It wasn't the 30%, i just felt judged and i felt i was already being grouped into the "failing this subject " group.So i got full marks the next 2 tests. The lecturer couldn't look at me in the eye in lectures.
And i did get an A in the final exam. I don't know if i got an A because i was defensive or i got an A because i can. Did i get an A to prove to him i am not a failure... to him at least?

I constantly feel that i am being judged for what i wear, who i am. What i say, the things i do.
And i have made so many mistakes. Yes i have, and i realize and i want to make things better.
However, most of the time i feel that i can't get out of the perception that has already been labelled on me. Its infuriating and frustrating. I know some things in life only comes onces, but i also believe that everyone deserve a second chance. Well we deserve every chance we get don't we, but i don't think we deserve to be judged and put in a box labelled "bad".

Is this about chance or its about judgement or forgiveness?
I guess forgiveness. If a person has done you wrong. You get hurt, and then you think about it.
So if the person is sincere about the apology you forgive them right? Right?
Forgiving to me, means that i don't forget, but i feel that the poor soul feels bad and he feels the need to make up and maybe change. So i grant him a second chance to make it up, not to me, but to himself.
Because everyone make mistakes. But that's me, is everyone like me? No.

To give grace, is to know that people are imperfect and filled with different capacities. I fail to be full of grace sometimes *most of the time* but i realizes it within seconds. But i don't judge people very much, because i feel that i will never understand why they do certain things or say certain things.
Simply because i don't walk in their shoes.

Today i felt labelled and judged. I felt frustrated because i was robbed of a chance to show that i am changed because of someone's inability to forgive and give me my space of grace. I already feel judged before i can say anything. Its frustrating.

Then how am i to grow? Maybe growth is only for us to judge for ourselves. Maybe i don't need to prove to anyone....

The Net

Everyone uses the internet, its fast, efficient, good.
I love the internet, its like a library to me. I'm always looking things up from the net, reading from the net, connecting with people through it.

But sadly, there's one thing i hate about it. It makes me grow apart.
Its a mean on communication where either parties cannot see and feel emotions.
Its bad for me, because personally i feel that when i communicate with a person,
i wanna see his reactions and his feelings.
So i know what to say next and how to say it. And the other thing is,
We will never know the real meaning of the message sent to you.

For eg, If i were to say something like
" Ahhhhhhhh"

Is it frustration?
Satisfaction?
Anger?
Delightfulness?

If we were to say something bad, we are not caught and we can easily get away, because no one hears the tone of the message sent across.
But if someone were to send you a message of pain, and you can't see or feel that, how are you going to comfort that person?

Everything has its pros and cons, Just as much as i love the net, i feel that its bad.
It makes people grow apart. Maybe cause i just love communication the traditional way.
Seeing and Feeling is Believing. =D 

=D

Day 2

So i am back in uni, and so far i am so excited about the subjects i am doing.
But my timetable is crackooooooooooooo....  Very long days..

So i am here blogging cause there's no class tomorrow , because some days are full and some days i have no classes at all, but the best part is i have classes on Saturdays *sob sob*
But all in all, i am excited and so ready to kick ass, i hope my excitement don't melt away at Week 5 into my semester, that's where i have to start with assignments and my studying for my mid-terms.

So next next week is Chinese New Year!! Hahaaahahah, i will be getting many red packets- so i can finally get that beautiful pair of shoes. Maybe i will book a ticket off to somewhere beautiful.
And because Chinese New Year is coming, i have to work harder to lose weight now so that i can pile on the pounds for CNY, because there will be glorious glorious glorious amount of amazingly delicious food. I LOVE FOOD THAT MUCH.

Have a nice day peeps!!!

Uni starts tomorrow, i'm excited and a little turn off. hahhha  =)

If i had a choice, i would chose to be a guy.

Because i don't need to wash the plate. again and again.
I don't have to cook with the same pot for breakfast then wash it, use it to cook for lunch and wash it and use it for dinner then wash it. Not only i have to wash for myself but everyone. And the best part is, why does no one feel the need to wash up.

Then i don't have to clean up the house.

I don't have to be clean, my room can be in a mess.

I don't have to go through periods. Period.

No taking care of myself and reputation.

I won't have to feel emotional most of the time. hahaha
Its proven women emo more because we have less serotonin, the happiness hormone,
and how can be get it, by eating carbs and choc and fatty stuffs. hahaha

I don't have to feel weak because i am a woman.

But then again, i don't wanna be stupid. So i rather be all these and do all these than being dumb.
hahahahhahhahahha.. or are they just acting dumb... so they can get away with most of the things ??? =D

soo preetttyyyy =D

Amazing.Song.

If normal people like us, have baggage and are messed up.
Does that mean that abnormal people are more sane and normal???

IRRITATION.

Have you ever gotten mad at someone who you already know will make you mad? Then you suddenly realized what in the world did i even bother to care? It made me feel stupid.

So I'm kinda always stuck in situation where people are just irritating. Or is it just me? 

I feel my brains are too fast after studying too much math. SERIOUSLY. If i had a reading subject like history or economics or something. i would take hours to study a topic where else if it was a math subject.. takes less than 2 hours.... So here are some of the situation really makes me wanna rip people's brain out of their head.

Whenever i see my brother all dressed up and perfumed at dinner time, i would ask " Where you going ? "

Guess how in the world would he reply me?  Here you go " Out ".

At this moment, i would be in awe. I am like, isn't it obvious?

So i ask again, " Ya, where to ? " 

He  replies, " Out to eat "

So this is the time i wanna pull my hair out, and my blood starts to boil a little, " Dude, its dinner time, you're dressed up, don't you think its obvious you're GOING OUT for DINNER? "

He replies, " Err, ya.."

I feel like an asshole, trying to care about him.

*****

Then there's this one time, when i was in a rush to buy a train ticket, the queue was short but this lady in front of me............ Oh my, normally those who are in line, we are all ready with the exact fair in hand so that we can get our ticket in a flash and go wait for out train.

Well, this lady.. when it was her turn, she carefully unzip her bag, digging it to find her tiny purse.

When she finally does find it, she then pours her coin collection out of her purse. Then finally she got the fare that she wanted, then she remembers she has to also buy another 2 tickets for her children waiting at the side for her.

And after another excruciating scene of her calculating her coins, she carefully holds the 3 tickets in the hands and wonders where to place them, after that, she finally zips her purse and places it into her bag and zips her bag too. So she took 10 minutes away from me. I missed 3 trains. 

*****

Sometimes when you are pressed for time, its when everything comes your way. hahhahahah.

Have you met anyone who just wanna have the last say in everything but they don't know what exactly their are talking about. Lets say you learn economics and you know it in and out, so you have this friend who happened to like economics but he has no solid background about it. So during one of my outing *(about 10 of us). He started blabbering about the world,economics, how we are suffering with money and currency.. and bla bla bla... so knowing my stuffs i gave my opinion and no matter what i said, i was wrong to him.

Like....... He wanted to have the say... 

Why do i care about expressing my opinion to people are short sighted?

I felt dumb.

*****

Met anyone who doesn't know what they want? Don't know what to eat, where to eat, when to eat, don't know anything. All i can say is Good Luck. I have literally died.

I tried to plan for this kind of people, i had a mental breakdown. Given that there was a time constrain, along with traffic and human congestion, along with the uncertainty that hotels were all fully booked.

Kill.Me.Now.

*****

Somedays i am so excited to learn something, so i get all excited in lecture and suddenly there's this equation you don't know and its kinda hard. Thats the time the lecturer uses this phrase " Go back, read and try it out for yourself  ". Its sometimes funny that lecturer teaches all the easy sums but leaves the hard ones out for us to try for ourselves, and miraculously these are the ones would appear on the final paper. hahaha.

But funnily enough when i was writting this blog, i wasn't irritated at all. Its funny to me now.

You know why? I don't have to study and i am on VACATION. hahhahaha. =P