Mistakes mistakes mistakes. The exam paper i got back from the lecturer, was scribbled with red pen.
I got only 30% and i will never forget the facial expression he had on his face back then. It was disgust and he has that look in his eyes. " You better not fail this subject " was what he said to me in frustration.
It was my first test out of the 3 tests i was supposed to sit for. I was frustrated because while he was ranting away about my poor performance, i was checking my answers. All my mistakes were so silly and it caused me that much??? On top on that i had to deal with this man who is judging me like i am a failure in life.
So i said " I won't fail this subject " and walked away very hurt.
It wasn't the 30%, i just felt judged and i felt i was already being grouped into the "failing this subject " group.So i got full marks the next 2 tests. The lecturer couldn't look at me in the eye in lectures.
And i did get an A in the final exam. I don't know if i got an A because i was defensive or i got an A because i can. Did i get an A to prove to him i am not a failure... to him at least?
I constantly feel that i am being judged for what i wear, who i am. What i say, the things i do.
And i have made so many mistakes. Yes i have, and i realize and i want to make things better.
However, most of the time i feel that i can't get out of the perception that has already been labelled on me. Its infuriating and frustrating. I know some things in life only comes onces, but i also believe that everyone deserve a second chance. Well we deserve every chance we get don't we, but i don't think we deserve to be judged and put in a box labelled "bad".
Is this about chance or its about judgement or forgiveness?
I guess forgiveness. If a person has done you wrong. You get hurt, and then you think about it.
So if the person is sincere about the apology you forgive them right? Right?
Forgiving to me, means that i don't forget, but i feel that the poor soul feels bad and he feels the need to make up and maybe change. So i grant him a second chance to make it up, not to me, but to himself.
Because everyone make mistakes. But that's me, is everyone like me? No.
To give grace, is to know that people are imperfect and filled with different capacities. I fail to be full of grace sometimes *most of the time* but i realizes it within seconds. But i don't judge people very much, because i feel that i will never understand why they do certain things or say certain things.
Simply because i don't walk in their shoes.
Today i felt labelled and judged. I felt frustrated because i was robbed of a chance to show that i am changed because of someone's inability to forgive and give me my space of grace. I already feel judged before i can say anything. Its frustrating.
Then how am i to grow? Maybe growth is only for us to judge for ourselves. Maybe i don't need to prove to anyone....
I got only 30% and i will never forget the facial expression he had on his face back then. It was disgust and he has that look in his eyes. " You better not fail this subject " was what he said to me in frustration.
It was my first test out of the 3 tests i was supposed to sit for. I was frustrated because while he was ranting away about my poor performance, i was checking my answers. All my mistakes were so silly and it caused me that much??? On top on that i had to deal with this man who is judging me like i am a failure in life.
So i said " I won't fail this subject " and walked away very hurt.
It wasn't the 30%, i just felt judged and i felt i was already being grouped into the "failing this subject " group.So i got full marks the next 2 tests. The lecturer couldn't look at me in the eye in lectures.
And i did get an A in the final exam. I don't know if i got an A because i was defensive or i got an A because i can. Did i get an A to prove to him i am not a failure... to him at least?
I constantly feel that i am being judged for what i wear, who i am. What i say, the things i do.
And i have made so many mistakes. Yes i have, and i realize and i want to make things better.
However, most of the time i feel that i can't get out of the perception that has already been labelled on me. Its infuriating and frustrating. I know some things in life only comes onces, but i also believe that everyone deserve a second chance. Well we deserve every chance we get don't we, but i don't think we deserve to be judged and put in a box labelled "bad".
Is this about chance or its about judgement or forgiveness?
I guess forgiveness. If a person has done you wrong. You get hurt, and then you think about it.
So if the person is sincere about the apology you forgive them right? Right?
Forgiving to me, means that i don't forget, but i feel that the poor soul feels bad and he feels the need to make up and maybe change. So i grant him a second chance to make it up, not to me, but to himself.
Because everyone make mistakes. But that's me, is everyone like me? No.
To give grace, is to know that people are imperfect and filled with different capacities. I fail to be full of grace sometimes *most of the time* but i realizes it within seconds. But i don't judge people very much, because i feel that i will never understand why they do certain things or say certain things.
Simply because i don't walk in their shoes.
Today i felt labelled and judged. I felt frustrated because i was robbed of a chance to show that i am changed because of someone's inability to forgive and give me my space of grace. I already feel judged before i can say anything. Its frustrating.
Then how am i to grow? Maybe growth is only for us to judge for ourselves. Maybe i don't need to prove to anyone....
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