Grey Day and Grey Night..

I wonder how long will i be stuck with this feeling, feeling low, useless and lost. I am constantly battling with myself internally.I try, try and try and try, but why does it seem that people don't give even two cents about it?

Then i fall into a spiral of emotions, thoughts and questions in my head. Wondered if my actions were wrong?
Then i start to feel sorry for myself, and slowly realize that there is no one in this world that i can count on, or expect anything kind in return except God.

Then i wished the people who hurt me, would just go away, and stop adding salt to my wound. When they apologize ( if they do). All i do is want to condemn them, because it hurts so much, so painful - it just sends me to a place there i can see no one, no light, sometimes i feel that place is Godless too. But something inside me tells me, be kind - always be kind. Be the kindness you want to see.

I'm struggling with this, " be the kindness you want to see " , is very difficult for me. I think the people i am surrounded by are not so nice, and i should surround myself with only loving and nice people.
If that is true, then who challenges me? That would be no one.

Today is a very slow day, i wished i could get some tender loving care from loved ones, but they all seem so far away, so spaced out.. this is when i have to stand and keep walking. Even though i can't picture God, i will try very hard, to picture Him walking with me, or even better, carrying me.

I have a presentation tomorrow, and all i am doing is just dazing and self-soothing.
Have a lovely weekend you guys!!! =)

This little cutie pie is my younger sister... I have been meaning to write a post about my beloved sister, but i never could get around it, because it gets me all emotional.

She's the best thing that have happen in my life.She's my bestest friend.. hahhaha

A person whom i will always lookout for, take care of, love-alot, protect, scold, guide and knock sense into her. She is growing up, getting old and seeing alot of the world.

I am afraid one day she grows up too fast and has her own friends and will never need me again.

I still remember, i used to take her diapers, and feed her milk, and she plays Barbie dolls with me,

and dressing up and when she was younger she always follows me around.. and it usually pisses me off.

She's there when i am having a break up or break down, fat days, slim days,

fail days, pass days, birthdays..

I love you, please don't grow up so fast.

I love you forever Rachel.

You will always be my little sister.

You will be my maid of honor, and will wear Vera Wang too.

haha.

younger days

2010

Doesn't she look all hot and grown-up?
Sis's prom (2010)

My 23rd birthday

Having a moment.

Exams are nearing.... I'm currently preparing for my portfolio papers, which somehow has about 987923427119837498932 pages to be read. I hope i will survive this. After so long of doing numbers all day everyday for 3 years, i somehow cannot seem to fathom words easily as before anymore. Sadness redefined. I used to write beautiful essays, and my essays were published in my school book every year. ( It was kinda hard to get your essay to be published ) anyways, it was centuries ago.

I am so stress, i wished i could unwind really quickly. But here's what i learnt. All those stress built up in all those hours, cannot go away in 5 minutes of concentrated breathing. So i did yoga. Helped alot. I was kinda sick of reading, i know because, i am reading.. and re-reading the same thing,
but i cannot understand any single thing of it. In a limbo.

So i decided to go through my dresses and accessories, remembering that I once, had a life.I once wore accessories.( I still do) but you know, the glamorous ones, the beautiful ones,the ones you keep for that special day. I realized that being in uni, that special day will never come unless you're done with uni...

That's beside the point, so i was going through my necklaces and i found THE ONE necklace,that my mom bought for me when i was 14. I still remember how i bugged her to buy it for me. It cost 40 bucks, not very cheap for a necklace, for a girl my age, in that century. And i cherished it. Because don't have many necklaces through out my teenage years, and it was the most beautiful necklace in my jewelery box.  And i will never wear it, because i am afraidit would break or get lost or something, (*still waiting for that special occasion*)

And yeah, i had a moment, my mom. And i will work hard to buy her things that she loves too.One day, i will buy her something that she really wanted and could never have. (Of course my dad too). And now i remember why i wanted to be an actuary. To Make lots of money, and give my parents the privilege to stop worrying and making money for once. To have the privilege to send them for holidays, and present them with beautiful gifts, and help them pay their car loan once in a way.

Then for once we don't have to push who's going to pay the bill.Thanks mom and dad. I owe you both so much. And i will never forget what you both,as parents do for me, easier said than done, but i will try my best.

That reminds me why i have to read the remaining 987923427119837498932 pages, and do well in uni no matter how terrible it is.

And i will take time, to thank Jesus for coming, to die for me.
Tomorrow's Easter, the day Jesus is resurrected and gone to heaven to
be seated at the right hand of God.
I love you too God, for always being there for me, loving me unconditionally,
forgiving me my mistakes and all my sins, and still love me after that.
Happy Easter peeps!!!  

Singing and acting.

Bet you didn't know i am a suckers for musicals!! I am.
So i am rewatching The Phantom of the Opera because i'm feeling all lovey dovey and romantic....
By the way, i had my sunday test already. Its was kinda ok, next up are my finals.

So i am watching and there comes a part that is so romantic, when the hero(Raoul) promises her(Christine) no more darkness, only light.


RAOUL
No more talk of darkness,
Forget these wide-eyed fears.
I'm here, nothing can harm you -
my words will warm and calm you.

Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry -your tears.
I'm here, with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you . . .

CHRISTINE
Say you love me every waking moment,
turn my head with talk of summertime . . .

Say you need me with you, now and always . . .
promise me that all you say is true -
that's all I ask of you . . .

RAOUL
Let me be your shelter,
let me be your light.
You're safe:No-one will find you 
your fears are far behind you . . .

CHRISTINE
All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night . . .
and you always beside me
to hold me and to hide me . . .

RAOUL
Then say you'll share with
me one love, one lifetime . . .
Iet me lead you from your solitude . . .

Say you need me with you here, beside you . . .
anywhere you go,
let me go too -
Christine, that's all I ask of you . . .

CHRISTINE
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime . . .
say the word and I will follow you . . .

BOTH
Share each day with me, each
night, each morning . . .

CHRISTINE
Say you love me . . .

RAOUL
You know I do . . .

BOTH
Love me -
that's all I ask
of you . . .

(They kiss)

Anywhere you go
let me go too . . .
Love me -
that's all I ask
of you . .






Makes me feel pain all over. When you find your other half,
is that what they do, they really keep their promises, they really shelter you from darkness and harm and cold night, and you really don't have to fear anything?
They just make you smile all the time? and laughters only.
There's no bad times? then why are happy times projected all the time?
Its bad, it gives me and impression that all relationships are all about love, and warmth, and love, and smiles, and flutters, and butterflies, and unicorns..................................


Really? share with me.. =)


*singings along* 

Panic Attack.

I woke up feeling miserable, like a lost child.
the world seems to be turning around all too fast.

Then i felt that i couldn't breathe.
I sat for a moment trying to breathe, just trying to breathe.

When i manage to ease the tightness in my chest..
I thought, what is going on?

Then i took a cold cold shower,
to freeze my brains.

I'm having a panic attack, and its not nice at all.
Wanna know why?
Finals are 3 weeks from now.

i'll just shout a little.
argh!

Blogs and Time.

I was sleepy and tired a while ago. That moment just left me. Pppffffttt.....

And here i am snacking on my muesli!!! ( It's for breakfast!!!)
And i have a day off tomorrow and i really just wanna relax.
After the holiday, i fell ill, but i dragged my ass to uni anyway. Because time flies like mad and my course mates are graduating ( I'm deferring ), and i feel all emotional because there's exactly one month left, to loud like mad, and talk while lecturers are teaching and get ourselves called out to solve equations!! (the high of it).
And i particularly remember how my friends cheer me up when i am down after a test (after knowing all the silly mistakes i have made) All of us are smart, in very different ways. They are those who, if come across a difficult question, will try no matter what. and I am the type who don't bother trying because i don't have a clue what the question is asking of me!! In the end, we all get ZERO. So we just laughed out loud, at the ink wasted.

Time really flies. If i could stop growing old, i just wanna grow up.
What lies ahead of me, i have a dream. Many dreams to be fulfilled.
I am greedy!! If i can dream, i can fulfill it!!! =)

Ya... so, Mondays and Tuesdays are like.. Spin class, super tiring, it seems forever.
Here i am going through blogs.. after blogs. Just makes me feel a little better. =)

Are u listening?? Anyone out there? 

Life In uni,

The past week was just crazy. Exposures, loss models, gamma, alpha, beta, poisson, geometri... of UDD and de Moivre's Law, constand force of mortality, common shock, one life dies, another lives..
and there's anomalies, T-bills, Repurchase Agreements, and the expectation theory and the preferred habitat theory and so much more.

I am pretty glad that week is so over. But i wished i had more time, to study and master questions so i could have gotten high marks. But its all past, so just get over with it right. I still have one more last test on Monday though.

Today, is one of the days i feel empty but i don't do anything. I don't shop ( God know how long i have been in my room studying for all my test and assignments - i think its been about 3 weeks. )
So i tried sleeping.. if you don't know by now.. i have a serious sleeping problem.I lay there just tossing and turning - i am so exhausted but i just can't get the sleep. My body has been over working.. and most probably in shocked mode.. With sleep less than 5 hours a day, and classes, and test, and assignments, and all the reading...
I wonder how i survived.. aren't we all awesome, our body can go through so much like its nothing.. and i totally have to thank God for this awesome creation- my body.

Today i feel so lonely and empty. Maybe its because i haven't been going out to see the world.
I'm just here, in my room, being best friends with my book when the reality is that we're sworn enemies(periodically, not all the time). Only when i am stressed,we're enemies.

So i took a long bath, and tried studying. My head is really hurts, and nothing seems to be entering.
Now is the time i need some tender loving care.
So i think i am going to paint. =)

Sick and sick of it.

Yesterday i had a massive sore throat, so i tried my level best to fight it.
I felt a little feverish as well. I know very well why i was sick...

These are difficult time, i haven't got to rest properly for a reasonable number of days.
Stress is creeping up my shoulders. And i have no time to cook for myself
because i have to drown myself in my books, for my test and my assignments.
So i have been eating cereal for most of my meals.... hence the sore throat.

Today morning, i felt groggy... and by noon, totally feverish.
So i can't do my work and study.. because i need to think.. and my head
felt really heavy...

So i laid down to rest, and as my fever became higher and higher.. i could feel it
because i feel that my head is being fried... I tried to call my dad, and mom,
and my sister. But no one was free to bother.

So i laid down and fell asleep.

A while later i woke up with bloodshot eyes. So i dragged myself out
to get a cab, to go see a doctor. While in the cab, i just realized that...
Aren't we all alone in the end?

So the doctor said, rest well, don't stress yourself. The normal, drink
lotsa fluid and bla bla bla.

So while waiting for my cab, i really felt terrible, my head was painful and groggy,
my back ached like mad, and i just felt weak.. and guess what..?? That's the time
there was no cab to be seen. *perfect timing*

I don't like to be sick, because then.. i am weak. and i can't take care of myself.
And its the time i realized that there's no one else to take care of me.
So i can't study, i can't cook porridge for myself, i can't stand up for 2 minutes,
i can't think.. i can't do anything- while my due-dates are fast approaching.
And on top of that, i have to feel i'm all alone. Sadness redefined.

Satisfaction.

I am not satisfied that i wrote such a short blog.. so after studying a few pages... here i am!!

Satisfaction, as i mentioned in my earlier blog i am not in the mood to study.
A few days ago, my guy friend said something like ,
 " Van, can you look at the other girls? You need to be more like them "

I was hurt, i am not girlish enough to everyone around me. But if you look into me,
and my heart and my actions. I am indeed, every inch of me, is girly enough.
He was one of my close friends, and for him to say something like that just shows that
he doesn't know me at all.

But why am i looking for answer from other people. Why am i feeling hurt when people
say what they see. And why am i fussing over it, when i don't even show my true self in the first place?

Today i feel totally like.... rubbish. One of those days you wanna feel good but there's no amount
of comfort food can do it, neither does shopping, or music, or drawing. So i told myself *self deception*
for the coming event that i am going to attend, i have to get a knockout dress to look my best.
* The boost i give myself is to look hot and pretty - to compensate my emptiness.

And emptiness i try to fill, by looking answers not from myself from others.
I believe its me, its all me and my unsatisfactory life.

And then my best , all time favourite, i can tell him anything friend came along.
And he told me that besides being hot and sexy, there are also other another side of me.
He didn't wanna tell me but he did in the end.

He said i am warm, and the person i really am ... caring, fond and kind... and there are many other desirable traits..and i am hot and sexy.

I teared a little to hear him say that, life is harsh, i am more harsh on myself. Sometimes i really feel like
i am a lousy person. Like i totally suck. If i don't suck- I am not suppose to feel this way right..
If i am not lousy then why does it seem so blurry and why am i so lost.
I felt relief, hearing someone tell me that i am a good person, from a person who
really knows me inside out.

So maybe its just another average not so good day, if i had more true friends.
We all need a little positive info every once in a while, don't we?
Sometimes i need opinions from another dimension other than myself.

And its good to know, i am doing great. But still, satisfaction is not achieved by
listening what we want to hear, but from deep within. I will work on that.
Little baby steps.

Day in day out

Just a couple of weeks ago, one of my random friend, decided that bringing up a particular subject when we we're chilling out.

*topic was- Me, Vanessa is super emotional, and ALL my post on my facebook are emotional. *

I felt very uncomfortable when he said something like that, so i didn't bother to say anything back. After the attempt to embarrass me. He continued to be a jackass which he always was. So nearing the end of the night, he sarcastically said, " You looked pissed, why don't you just chill? "

" Fuck off jackass " i hissed.

And he made a face, like an irritating face, and he said, " Omg, this is the moment i am suppose to feel hurt but guess what, i am not- at all." He looked satisfied, as if he accomplished his mission- which is to irritate the shit out of me. { This particular friend, is nice, has a good heart, but he's currently 26-never had a girlfriend in his life, a total dick-head}.

So i went home angry with him, angry at the other friends who didn't say anything *maybe they think the same too* and most of all, angry with myself because

1) I know its not true.
2) Why do i even bother?
3) Even if ALL my post were emotional. Why is it his problem?

So i went to sleep and totally forgot about it... until...
I met another friend on my way out to the mall, we exchanged a few words and he asked if i was free to hangout, i politely decline because i'm currently in my mid semester and i don't have much time to hangout.

" Why do you always seem to have test? " he asked.


" I just do, its not something i can control you know " I replied.

" Well, its all OK, when you come out to work next time, employers won't look at how well you do in university, its the cert that matters only. And try not to get to emotional over it, your facebook shout-outs are emotional, especially when it comes to your studies" He said.

*Blood boils to the core* But i politely excused myself from him and headed to the mall.

WTF?

Why is so bloody hard for people to understand that i have test ALL the time. I am ranting because I have the right to do so. Even if i am ranting about MY LIFE, why is that they seem so distraught about it? And i feel so angry because he, is an engineer, and i am an actuary to be. Why does he thinks he is fit to give me advice about something he doesn't even know about, even 5%.
I have quizzes every week OK, and i don't have time to slack. And this semester, i have to freaking read 25 journals, and wall street stuffs- i find all these figures are too heavy for me..
I read about prudential assurance the other day, to be interviewed, your CGPA needs to be at least 3.0/4.0.
Enuff said, FML.

The part that puzzles me the most, why is it that i don't have my privacy to rant? Yes the cyber space is wide, and transparent...... so? It's my bloody wall.. Dudeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.............
I don't get to post things i wanna post, and even if i do. Which part of it hurts others?
And the best part is, i checked back my records. Maybe 20% of my post are emotional, and the rest is normally some random shit which other people can appreciate, i am saying this because if you can get 15 to like your post, trust me, Your post is a shared, common, and very likeable post. RIGHT? Of course.

Look, i don't really care what people post on anywhere, i don't care whether people are emotional or not.*unless you are emotional 365 days a year* Because why? Life is the way it is, everyday has its ups and downs, and i rather be an emotional person compared to having no feelings towards my daily life. So why am i being penalized for identifying my emotions right? And i know for sure, if you feel down today, or tomorrow, surely someday you feel like there's so much happiness and gladness that you can explode.

Is it really me, or is that they just have to comment on other people's life. Or they just need to have a say.. Why should i even bother about what these people say about me and to me, when all i see them is annually. It's either me or them, it's either i'm being a total bitch or they are just insensitive jackass.
Maybe a little bit of both. hahaha

Let it go.

if life was ....

if life was meant to get me down every time i am up, congrats.
but with each struggle, i can climb up higher the next time.

So, thank you very much.

Building castles in the air.

Today, i feel very empty. I know its all over, this bitter sweet relationship i have been struggling for many years now. A part of me is relieve, and i feel like the heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Yet a part of me yearns for him to call, to show he still cares. I put my phone on silent mode, to tell myself i am not waiting for his calls, but i am. I can almost hear my phone vibrating when its not.

That very same part of me, remembers how his skin smells like. Remembers how warm his embrace is.
Remembers how his kisses taste like. How he tugs me in bed at night. He covers me with my favorite blanket from my neck to my toes. Then he makes my favorite peanut butter and jam sandwich with much pleasure. And how he says a prayer for me whenever i have a nightmare.

Out hearts are still as one, but time, space and distance has truly taken a toil on our beautiful journey.
I know it, because his embrace are not warm anymore, and although he is here with me, he is not here with me. And i start resenting him and his stupid gestures when i used to love it before. And everything that he says is wrong, his every gesture is wrong.

Building castles in the air. I wished a hug would just make me feel better, but it doesn't help anymore.
It takes more than just love right? yup.I know i deserve better, i deserve the attention, time, love and effort. I used to get it, and i still should..... Whatever it is, it is just not working for me anymore. Maybe its just me. I'm at this point where i am looking for my life. I want to wear my passion on my sleeves. I want to have a fulfilling life, i think i have a fulfilling life, but i don't know why i'm not feeling it. Maybe i need that little vacation.

Life is beautiful, even if its difficult, it is beautiful. My life is just "ok", i don't want to live with ok.
I want it to be beautiful. I wanna see stars and be fulfilled, i look at the beach and be at peace.
I wanna sing my heart out and be happy. I wanna see lady bugs * i haven't seen them since forever*
I wanna walk alone on a busy street and not feel empty inside and lonely.
I wanna be fulfilled. And i need to fulfill my own heart from inside out, with things that doesn't hurt me. Love is still beautiful, it is powerful and amazing, will never give up on love.

Someday, that particular person can give me the warmth of a lifetime, and carry half of my burden with me, make me peanut butter jelly sandwiches every morning. Some day, i will be fulfilled but until then, i have to fulfill myself and my life with much pleasure, happiness and passion and life.
So with little baby steps, i am sure i can do it.

I just chucked my assignments and books aside so that i can listen to beautiful music and paint.
And i will remember this moment in my life, when one door closes another opens. Before it does,
i will mend myself. =) Cheers to life.

Food,maggots and green eyes..

Hello peeps, wassup? =)

It has been quite a while since my last post... was busy celebrating Chinese New Year.
It was a very small gathering, only my family.. but with lotsa food! Stuffed to the core!!!! =D
It was also a very quiet new year for us, i practically did nothing besides sleeping, eating (75%), and just greeting visitors so i could collect red packets!!
And surprisingly, despite all the inflation and bad economy, i received quiet a hefty sum. =)

*****

Because i had nothing to do, and i ate most of the time, i spend all my evenings running to lose all the extra calories. There's this beautiful place, like a secret little getaway, which takes your breath away everytime you just step your foot in there. It is a narrow stretch of 2 km, with alot of trees and knee long grasses.... its just perfect. There's also a little hill to climb up...
So while climbing that hill, i saw some movements in a tree, not exactly a tree.. more like a shrub, with many twigs and branches and leaves covering it... i looked closer..

And i almost died ... there were 7 cute little puppies... so tiny... just so... awwwww.
They were all snugged up, close together. And despite that i couldn't find their mother, they were
well fed.  =) [ I'm such a sucker for puppies ]

So i went back everyday just to get a glimpse of those cute little things... i wished i could bring them all home.. not one, but all of them. You should see them for yourself- its like they love each other so much. I wanted to touch them so much, but i was scared my hands would hurt them..
But i touched them anyway. My sister and I were having so much fun... until my sister found that
one of the puppies was sick, it was like .. out-casted, it was smaller and i guess it couldn't fight for milk?  It had holes in its body. Like HOLESSSS.
She being the caretaker of the universe was worried like hell. And off we went to buy Dettol, wanting to clean up its wound and help it be healthier all over again.

So the next day, off we went to rescue the little puppy, its was a white puppy with black spots.
I was really disgusted, my dad ( dog expert) was cleaning its wound.. and you wont believe it..
Fat maggots were crawling out of the wound. I stood away.. like far enough. Me and worms- NO NO.
So after one day, we came back and saw that its finally running around playing with its other siblings.
We we both delighted. =)

*****

I left my hometown for KL again, back to uni. I was so reluctant, so tired of travelling, and cleaning my room all over again.. Seriously, i really love all my clothes but I really hate it with a passion when i have to clean up my cupboard. Then wash the sheets and cook and study and tutorials, and assignments and bla bla bla... 

First day back was exhausting. Then i have to deal with... test this week. And test and exams don't stop until MAY. So yeah, my whole being was practically rejecting the whole idea of studying and mugging constantly. I wanted to cry..... why do i have to work so bloody hardddddddddddddddd..............

Irritated and sad... i just sat down and played angry birds. hhaahhahaha..

No homework done, no research done, no dishes washed, no clothes were folded.

Just me and my laptop. =) And my sister came to be with me so i won't go mad- just the thought of studying all those text books can drive me mad. I really have to make peace with my books.

While i was sending my sister back to the train station, [walking in the dark].

I was shocked as a man followed me really closely. I jumped and he apologized profusely.

Then we walked together back to our respective apartments. He had green eyes. =)

I am feeling the Monday blues... and i will have the Tuesday blues as well..

If i had a choice, i would chose to be a guy.

Because i don't need to wash the plate. again and again.
I don't have to cook with the same pot for breakfast then wash it, use it to cook for lunch and wash it and use it for dinner then wash it. Not only i have to wash for myself but everyone. And the best part is, why does no one feel the need to wash up.

Then i don't have to clean up the house.

I don't have to be clean, my room can be in a mess.

I don't have to go through periods. Period.

No taking care of myself and reputation.

I won't have to feel emotional most of the time. hahaha
Its proven women emo more because we have less serotonin, the happiness hormone,
and how can be get it, by eating carbs and choc and fatty stuffs. hahaha

I don't have to feel weak because i am a woman.

But then again, i don't wanna be stupid. So i rather be all these and do all these than being dumb.
hahahahhahhahahha.. or are they just acting dumb... so they can get away with most of the things ??? =D

IRRITATION.

Have you ever gotten mad at someone who you already know will make you mad? Then you suddenly realized what in the world did i even bother to care? It made me feel stupid.

So I'm kinda always stuck in situation where people are just irritating. Or is it just me? 

I feel my brains are too fast after studying too much math. SERIOUSLY. If i had a reading subject like history or economics or something. i would take hours to study a topic where else if it was a math subject.. takes less than 2 hours.... So here are some of the situation really makes me wanna rip people's brain out of their head.

Whenever i see my brother all dressed up and perfumed at dinner time, i would ask " Where you going ? "

Guess how in the world would he reply me?  Here you go " Out ".

At this moment, i would be in awe. I am like, isn't it obvious?

So i ask again, " Ya, where to ? " 

He  replies, " Out to eat "

So this is the time i wanna pull my hair out, and my blood starts to boil a little, " Dude, its dinner time, you're dressed up, don't you think its obvious you're GOING OUT for DINNER? "

He replies, " Err, ya.."

I feel like an asshole, trying to care about him.

*****

Then there's this one time, when i was in a rush to buy a train ticket, the queue was short but this lady in front of me............ Oh my, normally those who are in line, we are all ready with the exact fair in hand so that we can get our ticket in a flash and go wait for out train.

Well, this lady.. when it was her turn, she carefully unzip her bag, digging it to find her tiny purse.

When she finally does find it, she then pours her coin collection out of her purse. Then finally she got the fare that she wanted, then she remembers she has to also buy another 2 tickets for her children waiting at the side for her.

And after another excruciating scene of her calculating her coins, she carefully holds the 3 tickets in the hands and wonders where to place them, after that, she finally zips her purse and places it into her bag and zips her bag too. So she took 10 minutes away from me. I missed 3 trains. 

*****

Sometimes when you are pressed for time, its when everything comes your way. hahhahahah.

Have you met anyone who just wanna have the last say in everything but they don't know what exactly their are talking about. Lets say you learn economics and you know it in and out, so you have this friend who happened to like economics but he has no solid background about it. So during one of my outing *(about 10 of us). He started blabbering about the world,economics, how we are suffering with money and currency.. and bla bla bla... so knowing my stuffs i gave my opinion and no matter what i said, i was wrong to him.

Like....... He wanted to have the say... 

Why do i care about expressing my opinion to people are short sighted?

I felt dumb.

*****

Met anyone who doesn't know what they want? Don't know what to eat, where to eat, when to eat, don't know anything. All i can say is Good Luck. I have literally died.

I tried to plan for this kind of people, i had a mental breakdown. Given that there was a time constrain, along with traffic and human congestion, along with the uncertainty that hotels were all fully booked.

Kill.Me.Now.

*****

Somedays i am so excited to learn something, so i get all excited in lecture and suddenly there's this equation you don't know and its kinda hard. Thats the time the lecturer uses this phrase " Go back, read and try it out for yourself  ". Its sometimes funny that lecturer teaches all the easy sums but leaves the hard ones out for us to try for ourselves, and miraculously these are the ones would appear on the final paper. hahaha.

But funnily enough when i was writting this blog, i wasn't irritated at all. Its funny to me now.

You know why? I don't have to study and i am on VACATION. hahhahaha. =P

People who say they don't expect anything expects more than everything.

They expect you to love them unconditionally, understand them, take care of their feelings, make them feel special.

But they never do the same for you. Wonder why. I am the one who has to understand, has to love them unconditionally along with all the hurt they caused. And they never fail to make me feel special- like rubbish. 

Then i asked myself again. Why am i making this person a priority when i am just an option to them?

My choice, i choose that option. I let people treat me that way............

ahahahahah.... new year's resolution to be stronger and don't expect anything. don't give everything.

But the Lord said, love each other, love your enemies. Bestow grace upon those who doesn't have my grace and love. So, is my feelings important, or am i to love those who even hurt me.

So what's next...

So uni has already begun... classes are awesome.. I feel great but i don't really feel that great.
See, i have conquered the highest peak in SEA, ran my 10KM run in an hour. I felt high and mighty,
on top of the world, like i could do anything in this world. The adrenaline is wearing off..
I am starting to feel like a regular person again.. like everyday regular... like

      Hit the snooze button, take a shower, rush for the bus, take out my pencil,
      scribble on my paper what the lecturer just mentioned, come home,
      study, msn, facebook, google, blog sleep.

I guess i need something more than this, i need to keep reminding myself there's something
better and bigger, worth living for out there. Struggling. I guess i just have to believe it.

I feel mentally exhausted. Prior to all the awesomeness, i was in a pretty deep shit hole.
I don't know how i crawled out of there but i did!!!. So i am back, feeling like another regular
person... i feel like i have to clean up my mess... and all these emotional stuffs are so hard to deal with.
I can literally hear loud bangs on the wall on my heart saying- "Listen to me, please stop ignoring me".

That very night, i sat in the dark on my bed, i was up the whole night. I didn't know what shit when
through my head, but i knew it was shit. Because the next day i forgot what was it all about.
But today, i know what is it. Its all the emotions i held back, all the hurt, all the disappointments,
all the hurt and pain. I can't cry, i am so numb i can't cry. But i am taking each day at a time.

I can't keep doing this to myself.. I can't keep telling myself that i need a holiday, and run away
from all the mess right here. Even if i could.. where the hell am i going to get the funds to keep travelling..
But i secretly wished i could =).   Ooohhhh... sometimes i need something bigger than myself, to
remind myself that whatever i am thinking now, worrying, obsessing, what i am hurting about is ......
definitely absofuckinglutely not worth my time. So, let me marvel at your greatness O God... Its actually there, i just have to open my eyes, and appreciate it.

Baby steps baby steps baby steps baby steps. slowly but surely i will get there.
Maybe i should start planning for my next holiday =)

Moving on.

It has dawned upon me that, what keeps us going. Maybe for some of us, its sheer excitement, responsibility, passion, money, satisfaction and whatever else it takes for us to move on.

But what happens if we can't move on? What happens if we fail?

Do we stop doing the things we do because we are restricted, or we try something else.

When we fail, what happens? Some of us, just don't think about it and pretend like nothing ever happened. What the hell is that? Some of us party so hard and puke so much. Or some of us-

We can sit,cry and ponder what went wrong. Soothe yourself with a tub of ice cream. Or go shopping. Have a bottle of wine. Take a long bath. Lit up scented candles.

Or we go on a holiday for a break so that we can take a step back to see what has been going on lately.No matter what we do, it comes back to us, we can try running away for a holiday, run to the club and shake all your problems out. It.is.still.there.

How do we cope with it? As in really deal with it? For some people, when there's a problem, they just disappear, because by disappearing you make the problem go away. Like i said, some live in denial. Some deal with it positively. Some take in all the disappointment and sadness and turn it into a flower. Some go to the gym. Some meditate. I am sure we all didn't wanna do any of these when we knew that we failed. We just did WHAT we HAD to do, to repair our souls, to stay sane and alive just to take you through the next stage. Then when you get there, your mind set must change.I meditate, i know.. whatever.. It is so funny that sometimes people think that we are running away from the problem. It is actually the total opposite. You take time out to sit down, for hours, in silence. And it is the time you face the truth- your fears, your insecurities, and be real with yourself. Trust me, we all know the answers to everything, but can we just silent the mind to access them? Meditate.

Then when the change has taken place, when you are ready to take on the world. What would you choose? Would you continue to try to strive for success in whatever situation, or would you just leave and start afresh again. If you could continue and still try again, it is strength. If you quit, and decided to start afresh, it is also strength. I am sure in both scenarios, striving for the best requires the same mentality, same strength and same commitment level.However, being a winner is when you can be honorable, know when and what choice is for the best, regardless of what you want. Take what you need and move on, even if it means staying at the same spot, having the same dream but taking a different route.

Mistakes

We are all flawed. We all make mistake, some small some big. Someone told me that good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from mistakes. We make all kinds of mistakes, often we also forget that people make mistakes too.

I can't forgive myself for my own mistakes(ocd case) and i easily forgive the mistakes people commit unto me, or unto themselves. Its so easy for me to tell them, in life, we all make mistakes, and its so easy for me to not judge them,because i believe that they are imperfect. Somehow, i can never convince myself that its ok to make mistakes. However, there are also those who makes mistakes every now and then but forgives themselves easily but hangs on to it when other people makes the mistake.

Funny isn't it. Apparently i have to take a chill pill. But i dunno how... I made that one choice and boom! Some mistakes made only leaves nothing but slight pinch, some scar, some permanent damage. Some mistakes change you so much you get lost in a limbo. I am so negative i could kill myself. If i have to repeat myself 3 times, my blood boils. This is what happens when you study too much maths,because your brain workers faster in a special way-why? there's no time to lose, time is everything. once its gone it will never come back. Speak once, loud and clear thats it. Be specific. Don't repeat-you're nagging. Don't tell me how to do it,because there's not only one way to solve the equation. Don't expect me to read our mind. I keep expecting people not to waste my time.. i am so fast. and i expect everyone to be like that. And i am truly sorry.

People will never understand what goes through my head, heart and mind, they don't understand. People will never understand, they only nod and say yes, but they never do. Walk in my shoes for one day-pls. Then tell me, then you judge me. I am still trying to accept that i am flawed. I wished i could take time to hear the birds sing, feel the rain on my skin. Let the first ray of sun light to light up my life. Look for purple butterflies. Lie on lavender fields. Play with the snow. And be at peace.