Feeling,being,becoming.

You know, that little voice in your head which you cannot tame - has successfully gotten into my head and stayed there for hours now. I have tried to reason with that 'voice' to a point, to many points. And now I have no outlet to release this cloud of thoughts. I really want to run in the rain right now- but there's no rain right now and it would be very mad of me to run right now.

I have been through this again and again and I'm honestly getting a little annoyed with myself. I have successfully allowed that voice to doubt my capabilities, abilities and my self-worth. I feel hollow. I have many world things and according to the worldly - o - meter, I have passed. Big time.

What did I miss while going through this all the other times. I'm sure I have missed something.  I want to go beyond this point. I'm very sure the repeated experiences are to teach me something I do not want to learn. 

So much easier said than done. 

Life is a game, of will, speed and wit, accompanied with many failures and highlighted moments of success. And I accept that life is all about trying and being. But at this point - I am totally clueless how to go about this. 

I have booked that flight to paradise. I have forgiven my past lovers. I told my heart to love freely and unconditionally. I have commanded my brains to work better. My legs are running further and faster. My belly with happier with the food I feed it. I drink in beautifully written books. I enjoy my chocolate cake like a boss. I have laughed louder and harder. I have cried more and meant all my tears. I have helped just because. I appreciate every sunrise I have seen. I have felt the rain on my skin. 

Yet this hole. Inside me. Is. like. A. Big. Deluge.

And the best part? It comes with different times, in waves that varies in tidal lengths, sizes and duration. I do not recognise it because it has no one exact shape or face. It appears and vanishes at different points in my life, involving different people and in different circumstances. I'm feeling vexed with all these thoughts when I'm supposed to be resting. Life is beautiful, one way or another.

Adoration.

I love that I get to see the sunrise every morning; watching the colours in the sky change makes me feel blessed. I love honest people, honest emotions. I love the look on peoples face when they get something they want. I love how emotional people get when their favourite character dies. I love the smell of freshly cut grass; and how I am totally immersed with my inner child when I’m playing in the rain. 

I love that I laugh out loud so much – to the extend it annoys people enough for them to call me silly and crazy. I love the moment when I close my eyes and get drifted to somewhere.. into the clouds. I love seeing new places and travelling. I love eating and cooking.I definitely love maths and arts at the same time.

I love people who admit they are weak. I love individuals who are different – they somehow let me  be who I truly am inside. I love that I am not strong all the time, I love that I feel both extremes of emotions. I love that I breakdown sometimes and I love that I am so macho sometimes. I love that I sometimes have all the answers; and yet can be totally clueless as well.

I love that everything is so unpredictable. 

I love that I love myself; well of course there are days I do not. But I do somehow.

Thoughts channeling through my scrambled brains.

When your good-natured values is like a double-edged sword, constantly, slowly and steadily taking away your ability to give your all gradually, each of all the other next times. That is what makes living to the fullest … a little more extra effort.

The most important things in life is indeed hardest to see and difficult to talk about. There are so over-whelming you will need to close your eyes wide shut to .. just be in the moment and acknowledge it and then let it take you higher.

And then life is just a series of effort leading to these kind of moment and flanked by many more failures to reach this moment.  A necessary and evil cycle, depending on how you look at it. If a fulfilled or successful life is living for these moments (when we achieve our goals, or what we want), means we have to spend every moment of our life trying. How exhausting can it be? or more importantly - how fulfilling and satisfying it can turn out to be.

In the midst of this whole process - breathing, working, mending and keeping relationships. Can be very trying. But try anyway. Its always good to live for yourself, but once in a while, we have to live for somebody/something else. Losing yourself is essential of living life to the fullest.

Just remember the earth turns one way sometimes and all we can do is try to learn, and it most certainly has a wicked sense of humour.

Opinion.

pic

Remember that feeling that you have - when you think about your dream job, your dream house, and whatever you want. Or be it your yearly resolutions.

This particular year, I didnt pen down any particular resolution. Instead I had a detailed plan on what I want and what my purpose was, for the coming 5 years, 10 and 15 and 20. Coming up with the plan took a little while - because I wanted to make sure it was a gradual learning and growing process instead of an out of reach dream.

To much surprise - I have manage to tick every number in my 5 years plan and, surprisingly moved on to tick a couple of points in my 10 year plan.

Thinking that if it was sooo achievable - it wouldn't be so easy to be ticking all the points in like - less than 6 months. Well, thinking back, I did work very hard for the last few months.
Achieving so much, ticking all that I want to do and achieve. Honestly it didn't give me the satisfaction I thought i would get when I wrote those purpose down.
What happens next?

When you are at the point you want to be - but the smell and taste of it doesn't taste like victory or success.
 What have I gain on the way here?
 What did I sacrifice - what did I risk?  Did achieving my dream really made me happy?
 More importantly - was it what I really wanted. ?
 Should I continue sailing on this journey or throw my anchor into the vast sea and think for a bit?

Was it all the wrong things?
Was it all the right things?

Where you come from, where you belong, where's your future.

Maybe its just me getting old. Really weird feeling where i do not belong anywhere.

In the office - I see mediocre people with mediocre thoughts and ways. Being a superior - I have to constantly have higher ways to solve problems ( and I admit sometimes i just want to do it the easy way - coming up with good solutions is not an easy task - i struggle alot with that ).Being the light on a constant manner is exhausting and not to mention - my ways are therefore weird and good (feasible)

I never truly felt that I belong somewhere other than home. Even then - staying far away from home has made me feel even worst about that. Somedays when I feel terrible I guess being home won't be able to fix me anymore. I feel like i do not belong to my new home, neither I would feel at home at my parents. I believe it is a very awkward feeling.

That I do not belong to the crowd. To my colleagues. To the people at the bar. Neither do I feeling like I belong to the world. Peanuts in the midst of Walnuts.

Let the war begin.

What 3 things are you grateful for?

Today it was :

1) Chocolate cookies from the random guy
2) That my mom calls just when ever I need an angel.
3) That dad is still alive to annoy me. He loves me so much.

Every other day:

1) Playing in the soft rain.
2) Swimming in the moonlight.
3) Whispering before falling asleep.

Watching the sun in the morning, friendly dogs, Amber street lights when the world is sleeping.
So many things to be grateful for - that i'm foolish and innocent, So straight and can be deceived so easily,
that i'm alive and living intensely, that i have loved someone more than myself , I have watched loved ones died, i have cried like a baby, laughed everyday at everything and still keep my sanity. I'm so so happy I have no regrets. Everyday is a beautiful day - come what may.

This is one of those song - that makes me want to drive a stretch of 1000 km

and feel the wind in my hair.

So much love!

Happy weekend.

Question.

Do we really grow up?

Or 

Do we just grow old..

Is Good Enough?

When he buys me something i like, i get all jumpy. If he suggest we go have our favorite ice-cream i will almost jump for joy, and i will jump if there's sprinkles on it. If he makes me breakfast, I will just sit and marvel at his face...... Worldly things, nice once in a while, but not sufficient for me.

Define good. What does it even mean to you. When he knows his way to your heart? Or knows how to love you, in simple words - ignore you and just go with the flow when you're being crazy. 

Is good enough. Question Mark. 

Allow me to be honest with you. No woman should desire to have a "good" man. I desire, a broken-hearted man, a changed man. For some, a "good" man could mean he says nice things, gives her gifts and appreciates her family. However, I desire a man who is willing to pray with me and for me, lay down his life constantly for me, and give up any worldly enjoyments he may have and become uncomfortable for my comforts. I desire a man to make my way easy and take on the burden that may be placed on my shoulders. Its should not be enough that he is "good". 

That should never be enough. Don't ever settle for less.

But breakfast for me is .... fireworks in my heart.

here

A shoutout A whisper

How are you doing? Sorry for the lack of updates. I have been so busy lately with ... absolutely nothing. :)

Things have been going pretty well for me. How are you holding up? 

I have been travelling back and forth between KL and SG, spending precious time with loved ones. Everyone seems to want a piece of me. And it's so difficult to multitask between all these beautiful souls. But isn't that what life is all about, prioritizing important people and things. But it's so difficult to choose who to spend my time with, and so difficult to let everyone get a piece of me because its time consuming and energy draining. I've learnt to just go with it anyway because time never stops running. I have been saying 'no time, no time' to alot of precious people and the more times i utter those words the more disgusted i feel with myself.

So no more 'no time', just better time planning. But sometimes i really don't have the time. Like what i'm doing to this blog. 

Something to think about:

I can't help but notice how most young parents teach their toddlers or control them. Using the one thing that is not right. Terror. I'm not a parent and i don't know how difficult it is, but i know enough that i can't handle one right now. I think using terror is not right. Honestly i think authority and power comes from firmness and properly assertion, definitely not from yelling or terrorizing the kid with the cane. Heard of the 'tiger mom' book? Read it. Interesting but not for me. 

Soon i'll be put in a place where i have to exert firmness and proper assertion. I have so much to learn still, being a leader is no joke. No doubt i know i can do it, but the learning curve is going to be so steep. You can expect nothing, not even white noise from this blog.

But till then, take care. And with much love. Have a wonderful wonderful day..

The pen is mightier than the sword.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ever felt smaller than a word used to describe you? Most probably all of us have. Felt inferior to the adjectives people use to label us.

 

If you are a wise person, you will definitely know the power of words and how it can help to shape and mould a person's persona,character, his mentality, and of course his future. You have no idea, how good it feels to encourage and to be the positive spark in someone's life.

 

Always choose to uphold somebody with kind words. It doesn't cost a thing.

 

 

 

Right-brain VS left-brain.

"One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving." - Paulo Coelho



I was just pondering about the quote above. I it made me stop and think for a bit.

Emotions right, because you feel like it.. so no real reason behind what you're feeling or you want to do. If you want to love, you love. Because you can. Or is it just because we are utilising the 'right-brain' more... which is said to be more intuitive,thoughtful and subjective?

I can relate to that, answering to all the jitters love has to offer.

But my left-brain tells me the quote above is just good writing. To create a stir of emotions in the heart. Just being melancholic and nostalgic.

Why do you love?
Because you can? Because you are infactuated with the persona? Because you are feeling lonely? Or because the time has come. Not everyone is for this journey. Love is a big word.

What is love anyway? How would you describe it? Is it that feeling that you wake up everyday knowing you have someone who cares about you? Is it kisses and hugs? Is it walking hand-in-hand?
Or a shared piece of cheese cake?
Or you could look at it this way. Its hardcore commitment - mentally,emotionally, physically. Maybe just plain sacrifice. Perhaps gratitude. Or you love because the other party makes you feel safe. Or you love because you want a witness to your life.
Love is a big word. Sometimes overwhelming.

There you go, for trying to explain love. I'm a fool. I'm a well centered-brain person. Guess where all the wisdom came from?


"The wise are wise only because they love. The fool are fools only because they think they can understand love." - Paulo Coelho.






 

When i stepped into the light

Clear blue skies are ahead of me. The storm is of yester-years. I'm glad, today, i had some balls.
To want to change my future. I did it.

I feel so unsafe now, so not in my comfort zone. And i'm going to make all of it into my comfort zone.

I took a leap of faith. It shook me, made my heart tremble a little. But i did it. And i am glad.

 

I would do everything. legal. 

 here

Drowning in my dreams.

Lately I have been cruising.. Just letting my life and days cruise by. Because i'm afraid to move, to change it, to mold it according to my mind maps. And as disgusted i'm with myself for letting that happen to me, i am glad too.

I have been just dreaming, waiting for it to happen to me. Just hoping i don't have to work hard for the life i have planned myself. And a few days ago, i just sat down thinking and thinking.. and just got so sick of not making things work, when I know i can move mountains someday, not today or tomorrow but i know someday soon.

So what was I actually afraid of? Was it failure? I guess you could say so. But mostly i would say i didn't move my ass because i was too cautious. I wanted to make sure that it was the 'right time', the 'right thing' and of course the 'right move', on whether it suited me or not. Well, I most certainly know that there is no such thing as the right time or right move. I just got to do it. However, i also know that there is such thing as luck and amazing opportunity knocking at the door just at the 'right time' - if you know what i mean.

But i'm gonna work hard for the future i have in mind.. I'm gonna embark on a new journey, a very significant one in fact. I'm so excited for myself, and, you, my dear readers, if i ever lose hope or side track. Please do not hesitate to nudge me back into the right track.

Great things are coming my way. :)
Almost can feel it coming. Wish me luck.

So much love for you guys.

Take A Leap Of Faith.

You know something, i realized that something things should have been easier in life. I was talking to a friend, he mentioned that if things are meant to be for you, it will be smooth sailing, almost perfect.

At first i disagree, i think i disagreed way too fast without thinking. I mentioned that if you want something, sometimes it is harder to get it. {Hello! - forces of nature!} Naturally things won't come to you easily when you want it the most.

Then he went on to explain that if you have to put so much effort for something 'regular' or something 'normal', at the end of the day you have to ask yourself if it even worth the effort. For something 'regular'. Then he went on to say its better to leave, and something that is naturalling effortless will come along.

I kept my mouth shut later. Because it made so much sense, but sometimes i know you have to struggle in order to obtain something. And often we still don't get the end results/product that we desire so much in the beginning. So we just take away the experience from the journey.Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. { Does this means that i am experienced }. However experience is also the most valuable thing anyone can offer.

So are there things in life, which are not working out miraculously for you? Is it worth the effort and time? Are the things you pursuing even worth pursuing. After this conversation with my friend, i have to admit that there are so many things i have to check again if its even worth pursuing.

Knowing what is worthy of my time is one thing, having the balls to eliminate it and move on in life is a whole different thing.. I really want to take a leap of faith.

The memory post.

Memories.

The earliest memory that i could recall from, is just snapshot of pictures taken when i was young.

Maybe when i was about 3 or 4 years old. I remember wearing nappies without shirts,

playing scramble with my brothers ( i had no idea what i was doing, remembering that i loved arranging the lettered-tiles when i see my brothers doing so).There were spider-catching afternoons and hide-and-seek at the playground.They would often play with their friends and leave me with mom.

Mom was a home maker at that time. We use to hang out alot. Morning markets, in the kitchen, at strangers house(when she has teas with other moms), having baths together, but mostly in the living room...where she would braid my hair and we would watch cooking tv shows together, and cartoons.

I had a small rocking chair that i love to sit in all the time, and my smelly soft toy rabbit which i carried around everywhere.Mom says i love to dress up, and like to change a few dresses before deciding what to wear..(still the same... maybe sometimes).. Mostly i remember her manually washing the clothes then scrubbing the toilets.

Then i remember patting her back every time she vomits..sister on the way!!!Then my sister came.

Then i remember being angry,I had to take alot of things for my mom, like nappies, powder, and pins, and baby clothes. And carry the baby and feed her. and love her. and take care of her.

This is her. 

A couple of weeks ago, she had to dress up, she doesn't put on make up and normally wears my shoes and carries one of my bags for these 'dinners'. This very memory came alive.

I remember, it was concert day in school. She applied make up for me-Every kids' dream. 

She even sew the skirt that i was suppose to wear for the concert.

My lips were red, pink cheeks and some eye-shadow.

She's not exactly an expert in doing so, i remember one cheek being red-er than the other.

I was 6, she wore a polka dot dress and my sister wore something blue.

When i was singing on the stage, i looked for her. Everywhere.

But there were too many people in the room. 

It was hot, and camera clicks all over the place.

I couldn't find her. But she said she saw me singing.

Now the roles are reversed, sometimes i help her dress up.

I cook for her the things she likes to eat.

When i paint her cheeks, both of them are of the same intensity.

While lining her eyes, i was taken aback. She's much older now.

Very much older already.

Seems like just yesterday dad and i were waiting in the car,

for her to come home from work.

I loved her hugs. And sleeping on her lap.

My turn to keep a look out for her, and i will. For my dad too.

Now there's a huge lump in my throat. 

I Can Be Who I Want To Be.

You know, i want to do so many things. It has been playing in my mind for quite a while now. I am actuary.
Honestly i feel embarrassed to even say that aloud. I don't feel like i have learned anything from the past years while reading in my prev uni.

I have been toying with the idea, about going back to school. Don't know to read what yet. I wanted to be a doctor badly when i was young, i still remember the scene, at every grade, i would write 'doctor' in the what do you want to be when you grow up column. And i still remember it until today. The reason - i didn't make it to med school was because my results weren't good enough, secondly, considering my parents' budget. Was a big  no.

I want to be a doctor, to open a bakery , and to be a social worker, a full-time mother. I want to be so many things. The thing with me is that - i am so versatile i can be any one of the above, in fact i can be everything - not at once definitely. If i map out and prioritize each one of each at a specific time in my life and focus on it.

I was just thinking the other day, was would be the one thing that i would regret not doing. Would it be - not chasing my dream hard enough ? Or should i just focus on being a kick-ass actuary.?

Maybe i'm just lost. I think this is what people call the quarter life crisis.

I would love to attend classes at the Le Cordon Bleu Paris Culinary Arts School too.

Fighting my own war.

Hello readers!! I don't know all of you, but i wish you well. I hope you had a great weekend and wishing your week ahead will be easy, breezy and beautiful!!

Lately i have been rather down, with my own set of worries. I hung unto some close friends and family and now i am feeling better. Today i will be talking to you why i have been so bitter lately.

I am not a gentle person, but i am a gentle person ( get what i mean? ) I can't be a gentle person, i could if i want to, but i can't - because everyone's worries and troubles and agendas are on my shoulders. I bet, you would ask, then, why not just let things go and not worry.

Honestly, there are people who worries, i am one of them, but not a chronic case. I worry because no one else worries. Maybe they do, but never shown on the outside. I do so many things because no one does them for me, or for themselves. So i often i over-work myself and i get tired of that cycle and frustrated with everyone, especially men.

I'm sorry (guy) readers, but my blog has often been the only thing that i talk to, and it comforts me greatly. And i have to be honest, but bear in mind that these are my experience, it may or may not be the true out there.

I have very little faith in men, simple because no men so far has proven to have any sense of responsibility, sensitivity, or humility. The men i meet are really, "raw" . I wished there were more dynamic, responsible and open men out there. Whenever i need a man to step up to the situation, most of them back down, acting like a complete wuss. It happens with the small situations and the big ones.

They just simply don't want to/ afraid to say things that is needed to be said, do things that is needs to be done and take responsibility for their actions, behavior and words. They will just keep quiet and pretend nothing happened. Sometimes i step up to it, and i know it makes people uncomfortable, i mean someone's got to do the job. Someone has to got to be the bad cop, and i am the bad cop - simple because i posses something call " straightforwardness, bluntness and i will always be truthful ". And i wished someday, someone will stand up for me, and be the bad cop, so for once in my life i don't feel like a bad person, an over-worked,frustrated, tired person.

I know i wrote that men should be emotional, but until a state it erodes the things that a man can really and should do - it's just wrong ( for me at least ). I see this more in the younger generation. I have the uttermost respect for my dad, because he is truly a man - he does the right things even when he doesn't like it simple because it is for the better, he does things for others because he has to, he steps up to it, no matter how heavy, difficult or ugly the situation may be. In someways i see myself in him, but i don't want too - because it is tiring. And i know how tired is he, hopefully someday i can show him how grateful i am for stepping up for me all the time, in all situations.

Maybe it comes with age and maturity. Maybe they change into such beautiful men when they have children - to practice selflessness. If i can find some friends who i can really count on, or a man who can step up for me. It would be very nice. I would really like that.

 Sincere love for all of you, :)

A beautiful song for all of you beautiful readers.

Is it what it really seems to be?

I just had to blog on this topic, i felt that it was crying out to me.. 

I read about it in the newspaper a few days ago, the writer (Asha Gill) explained the importance of crying, for both men and women. The benefits of crying, and she too, cannot fathom why crying, in your own space/public is seem as weak, unacceptable.

I for one, cannot agree more.

Both men and women are capable of falling in love, feeling happy and sad and we both grieve.
If you think about it, we are the same. Yes, indeed we both men and women work differently on many levels. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, right? or the other way around? either way, i disagree.
Because deep down, when things really matters, we all act the same way, we all feel the same way. Men just hide it because .... it's what they are supposed to do.
I can't help but wonder why - is it because they are brought up that way?Men are supposed to be macho about most things, they normally don't show an ounce of emotions, maybe a few - happiness, anger, excited. Maybe crying, in this terms, for men, are way too extreme. However, i constantly find myself bewildered (among friends), the enormous amount of ego men can produce when they need to cover their feelings and emotions - although we all know what these poor men really feel deep down inside.

Some of my friends say that men, do feel all the same things women feel, it is just the way it is conveyed. Men just can't expressed as well as ladies. Me : That is where the problem really starts, don't you think in any situation it is always better to sit down and talk about it - which generally leads to solving the problem, rather than just showing your emotions in a negative way { in this case, i would say frustration and anger }. Generally, the men i know, don't express themselves at all, and i am so angry with myself when i am placed in this kind of situations, simply because, i really want to help by listening but i can't at all because i don't know what is going on inside his head and his heart. And i can see the sadness in their eyes, but they just can be explained or express in words!

I believe that if a man is capable to love, he is capable of a heartbreak ( he won't show it- i know ). He might not cry in the toilet, or on the bus.. but i think sometimes he really want to. Guys, your macho-ness won't corrode away even if you show the gentle and softer side of you. Those who do show it, you have all my respect to go against the odds to show them.

Cheers to all the men out there who can identify their feelings, and lay them out!! =)