Ever since i started working, my whole daily routine has changed dramatically. My sleeping patterns, and exercise plans, even eating habits. Sometimes change can be very difficult to conquer.
I wake up early most of the days, unless i had a late night. Walk my dog, and then go for a run and house chores would be everywhere in between. But i always had the luxury of an afternoon nap. I obviously can't be sleeping in front of my computer at work now.. If you don't know already - i have a bad sleeping problem. I have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. Sometimes i don't sleep.
The Effects?
1) Bad skin.
2) Please type sleep deprivation on Wikipedia.
I honestly envy people who can just fall straight to sleep and just stay asleep for hours. It seems like a very difficult thing for my body and mind to do. I would like to think that i have tried the many ways to try to sleep, from having warm milk, to a relaxing bath, to lavender oil, to getting drunk(WORKS!), and of course the last resort would be popping the pill - this only happened twice when i couldn't sleep for weeks.
I would really like to sleep. It is so frustrating, because most of the time i wake up the next morning feeling more tired than i was the day before.
Ever since i started working, i have included yoga into my daily routine, and i noticed that i have been experiencing terrible migraines.
Today i feel a little grey and i can't seem to shake it off... Sometimes i get angry how nature works, how timing and places work.. How you really want things but its just never going to happen, there's absolutely nothing anyone can do..but to just deal with it.. I can't control it, that why i am angry.... because i constantly have to beat myself to be my best.. Every time some one dear passes away, it always makes me love my life even more.. In the guest book, his daughter wrote , " I love you, daddy"..
I can't imagine how she would be feeling, losing her dad a few months before her wedding.. I can't imagine losing mine, at any point of my life... simple because he is my pa, and he will always take care of me,love and uphold me until his last breath. I am lucky, blessed, and honoured to have such a responsible, dedicated and loving father.
Christmas is next week, i don't want presents or gifts, i just want more time to spend with the people i love, more wisdom to discern between good and bad, and the courage to take that step, more patience to be around people, more love for those who need it, and more warmth to heat up the cold hearted, more grace to accept that sometimes things don't go according to plans. To be more kind to those are undeserving, to love myself more each day. and to say i love u to my mom and dad, before its too late. ( i just can't ).. To be less rigid and fearless and just sail into the rough seas, and if its me alone-so be it.
Sometimes it seems so difficult, but it gets better everyday doesn't it? In His own time, His will be done, not mine. One day i will get it right. I hope that there's not a sight of grey cloud over you today!! Lots of love for all of you, may you all have a pleasant day. =)
Monday, December 12, 2011
Hey you guys, i have been pretty sick lately.
This version is so beautiful, brings back fond memories.
Worry? I worry way too much when i'm sad and down. I'm afraid i won't laugh again.
I'm afraid i won't wake up and appreciate the sun.
I'm scared of the future.. but when i am happy i embrace it with much love and look forward to every adventure.
I am scared if my parents die too early.. I can't remember the last time i kissed him.
What if i am always going to feel this way. I need something bigger.. to remind me how small i am, and how tiny my worries are. I feel so insecure, and i know it takes time to heal.
Did i ever mention i am way too impatient. I feel like yelling at my wounds, " Heal already ! "
It has only been 24 hours. Its going to be a long and winding road.
I wished things would just go away, i wish for many many things. But reality remains.
Yesterday i couldn't even sleep... drifting in and out of sleep. I had to cancel all my plans today because the moment i opened my eyes i was feeling numb and i had a thudding headache.
I was a having a horrible day, i was sitting in my hall, in my empty beautiful house.
Like the house, i feel empty too.
I could hear the clock ticking, seconds just kept ticking away and with each tick the pain grew greater.
I was was disappointed, sad and angry with the things that kept happening to me.
I cried until my swollen eyes couldn't cry no more. I wish i could do something, break things. Get angry at the world. Wondered why it is so easy for everyone to keep together. Everyone seem to has the key to everything but not me. What have i been missing?
I realised that the mistake was me, i was valuing myself through my failures and obstacles... never the other way though.
So i failed, not just once.... many many times in many many things.And through all these failures i learn, unfortunately the hard way. I am growing - a lot, but the pain is greater and more vast than the sea.
Sometimes it gets hard to breathe. Time don't heal, you heal when you let things go. I feel like i can't go on, not even one more step - not even an inch.
So i thought i was having a bad day... like as if it couldn't get any better. Like as if i were in the dumps.
Really?
What about those who are lying in the hospital dying? What about those mothers whose baby dies 2 minutes after being born... What about those who had dreams but were cut short because they died in the operation theatre? What about those who were counting their days.... here i am .... having a bad day...
These past few days i have felt so low i can just melt into the ground without anyone noticing, hahhaha.
So i went back home to be nurtured, by my parents, siblings and of course my dear dear companion - my one and true companion. His love for me makes me want to weep - when i am the first person he looks for when he wakes up, and I am the person he follows around the house ( even to the toilet ).
Like every Sunday, I went to church, and this time i felt that God was speaking to me directly. The message was for ME. On how i should love the person who first loved me, and how i should sow good seeds in my life. And the ultimate advise - You will reap what you sow.
In all these chaos, i managed to read this book on the journey back home. It revoked many feelings on how love should really be - and it should stand the test of time. I was really amazed at the writers descriptive skills. It made me giggle, laugh and definitely cry.
This movie talks about a father's unconditional love for his young daughter. I don't know what was i thinking watching this movie again, 20 minutes into the movie, the waterworks began!! Damn! This movie gets to me every single time.
I have been very down, and i thank you all for reading my grey grey posts. hahhaha
But it all ends today. Starting from today I am going to sow (more) beautiful seeds of my life. To you,
No matter how bruised I am, i will always love you and i wish you nothing but the best in life.I know i will miss you terribly. I also acknowledge that sometimes love is not enough, i have never seen you as a failure but a person who has so much potential hence the pushing. In my eyes, you are far from a failure. Sometimes what we think we feel - it is just one dimension of the thousands. But still, nonetheless. Love for you and all my readers.
I hope you have a great great week. And what is life, if there is no ups and downs. What are downs if you don't cry when you hit the ground. I will keep in mind that God loves me so so much, that he has saved a place in heaven for me. And i will live for Him instead, and me, and those whom love me dearly and wants to see me grow.
A little quote for you:
"Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation" - Kahlil Gibran
The saddest thing, is when you are not capable of feeling any emotions.
I wished i wasn't feeling this way, i wished i was feeling all jumpy, excited and happy to correct my mistake. Not exactly a mistake.Shit just happens. I am so numb, i don't know what to do. Some days i feel like screaming, i feel like banging the walls, just to release the anger and frustration.... to ruin something. So that i can see something ruin, other than my heart.
Yes, i am laughing, but it is not the laugh you think i am letting out. I wished i am here now, present but i am so distant - away to my own place.
All i can think about is what is going to happen, are we going to make it, if yes, can i truly laugh again with you. Can i feel joy with you, are you going to be enough. If things really take for a better turn, will our past be dragged along and are we going to battle with our demons everytime the going gets tough.
Yesterday i lay at night, i close my eyes and all i see is our past - out present seems grey and the future is ... something i dare not think about.
People keep telling me it's ok, it's ok. It's not freaking ok - don't you just hate it when people use that phrase to try to comfort you, but it just makes you feel sillier because you know it's not going to be ok.
But i can't blame them, that's all what they can say.
All the laughters, all the joy, all the jittery feelings, all the bear hugs and .... just memories. Sometimes love is just ain't enough huh... Time will definitely tell, but that is the problem i can't wait. I want to know now so i can be prepared. I hate it when i see things only in black and white when clearly we are in a grey area.
It is a bad bad time for me, i can't even find joy from the new sexy dress i just bought. All i want is for God to come help me deal with this, carry all my worries and sadness, better yet - carry me through it all.
Because it is a cold, and quiet night. and i need some loving.
I really want someone to scoop me up and take me away. Give me something i deserve. No matter how hard i try wishing, the fact remains that no one will be there at the door for me.
Happy Wednesday to all of you. =) Don't worry i dug hard and still found some love for all of you out there. Have a great day/night. I'm just going to be sad for a while and let it go.
Hello readers!! I don't know all of you, but i wish you well. I hope you had a great weekend and wishing your week ahead will be easy, breezy and beautiful!!
Lately i have been rather down, with my own set of worries. I hung unto some close friends and family and now i am feeling better. Today i will be talking to you why i have been so bitter lately.
I am not a gentle person, but i am a gentle person ( get what i mean? ) I can't be a gentle person, i could if i want to, but i can't - because everyone's worries and troubles and agendas are on my shoulders. I bet, you would ask, then, why not just let things go and not worry.
Honestly, there are people who worries, i am one of them, but not a chronic case. I worry because no one else worries. Maybe they do, but never shown on the outside. I do so many things because no one does them for me, or for themselves. So i often i over-work myself and i get tired of that cycle and frustrated with everyone, especially men.
I'm sorry (guy) readers, but my blog has often been the only thing that i talk to, and it comforts me greatly. And i have to be honest, but bear in mind that these are my experience, it may or may not be the true out there.
I have very little faith in men, simple because no men so far has proven to have any sense of responsibility, sensitivity, or humility. The men i meet are really, "raw" . I wished there were more dynamic, responsible and open men out there. Whenever i need a man to step up to the situation, most of them back down, acting like a complete wuss. It happens with the small situations and the big ones.
They just simply don't want to/ afraid to say things that is needed to be said, do things that is needs to be done and take responsibility for their actions, behavior and words. They will just keep quiet and pretend nothing happened. Sometimes i step up to it, and i know it makes people uncomfortable, i mean someone's got to do the job. Someone has to got to be the bad cop, and i am the bad cop - simple because i posses something call " straightforwardness, bluntness and i will always be truthful ". And i wished someday, someone will stand up for me, and be the bad cop, so for once in my life i don't feel like a bad person, an over-worked,frustrated, tired person.
I know i wrote that men should be emotional, but until a state it erodes the things that a man can really and should do - it's just wrong ( for me at least ). I see this more in the younger generation. I have the uttermost respect for my dad, because he is truly a man - he does the right things even when he doesn't like it simple because it is for the better, he does things for others because he has to, he steps up to it, no matter how heavy, difficult or ugly the situation may be. In someways i see myself in him, but i don't want too - because it is tiring. And i know how tired is he, hopefully someday i can show him how grateful i am for stepping up for me all the time, in all situations.
Maybe it comes with age and maturity. Maybe they change into such beautiful men when they have children - to practice selflessness. If i can find some friends who i can really count on, or a man who can step up for me. It would be very nice. I would really like that.
Sincere love for all of you, :)
A beautiful song for all of you beautiful readers.
Holidays are almost up, this time around, my holiday is much of a roller coaster ride.
With disappointing events, and my pup being knocked-down. I am pretty much exhausted.
But most of all, i am just feeling down, with recent events in my life.
Have you ever wondered the one thing that keeps your from being happy or successful.
For me it is patience. I have none. Actually i have heaps of them, but i am impatient.
Because i feel so tired. Tired of trying, Tired of waiting. Tired of everyone.
Because people are just such a pain sometimes. We are all so unstable, always-wavering. And all i want is just a definite answer or something that doesn't move or change. And patience is energy and time - and if you realize time IS everything.
I guess God has His very own way to teach us what we have to learn. And this time around. The situation He placed me in, just spells -
P A T I E N C E
Nothing i can do but to accept it, although quite reluctantly, i will- maybe in a few days time.
I can either be bitchy, bitter or have a better attitude about this. I am certain at the end of all these, i will definitely be better than i am today.
Thank you Lord, for loving me, still wanting to teach me the lessons of life, i believe in this situation - that will help me cope with my life better. I might not see the bigger picture, and sometimes wrestle with you because i really don't like to go through the things that you put me through. But thank you. I know only You know me best and mean well.
Today i am feeling a little down, nonetheless , have an awesome weekend peeps!!!
Despite me being down, i still have lotsa love for all of you!! =)
Blues never even made it through the window today. I had a paper earlier in the morning, it was (g**d) {i have to refrain from talking about it. Know more about it here. }, but i almost didn't have enough time.. so much to be done and drawn in that tiny interval of 2 hours.
Anyways, i am feeling awesome today ( Aha... wait till tomorrow, the paper is going to be a killa - just know it).So whats up peeps? I had no internet line for 2 days, i think it's because of the massive rainy weather... I think God secretly made it that way so i could study and not check on my mail, or rant away on my blog page.. hahaha.
Today i feel rejuvenated although i am really, really exhausted from all the mugging. I feel relieved and i feel ready to take on my next chapter of life. Well, it took me long enough to know that i have out-grown the people around me, sometimes i just feel a little dump to lower myself down so that i can accommodate to their level of maturity, thoughts and emotions. So i gave myself an ultimatum, it is either that i climb up or remain stagnant - so i could feel safe.
Yeah, there you go, i said it. I want to feel safe, in my circle and i didn't want to step outside my comfort zone, because stepping outside will mean that i have to start all over again, from the scratch - and i am scared.
It will mean that i will be alone, having no one to laugh with me at my lame jokes, no one to share my cheesecake with, nobody to flaunt my newly bought dress or my super high heels to, and no one to be a baby with when i am down with a flu, no one to share my sadness and most importantly, my happiness and the abundance love i have in me.
I was so overwhelmed with emotions - like as if a ball is stuck at my throat,choking me. I realized that i have to find my own happiness.So I dug up my courage and choose to move on, well i need a whole lot of strength to overcome this hurdle, it won't be easy i know and i will need heaps of encouragement and love from those who love me, and of course from God. Today, i will value myself enough to let go of the feelings that are holding me back from becoming who i might have been and proceed forward with courage.
Isn't life all about reconstruction? I am fixing myself, piece by piece.
And i am so glad, because i know one day i will look back and will be thankful and grateful that i choose to evolve and grow.
"When I let go of what I am,
I become what I might be.
When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need."
-The Tao Te Ching
Mr. Brown sends his unconditional love:
My fur ball.
May you all have a lovely,lovely Monday. Sadness is all around but happiness is just ahead of me.
Wish me luck for tomorrow.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Sometimes it is comforting to know at least one person understands the pain- God. This song is stuck in my head, playing like a broken record. It is some how comforts me - greatly.
I wonder how long will i be stuck with this feeling, feeling low, useless and lost. I am constantly battling with myself internally.I try, try and try and try, but why does it seem that people don't give even two cents about it?
Then i fall into a spiral of emotions, thoughts and questions in my head. Wondered if my actions were wrong?
Then i start to feel sorry for myself, and slowly realize that there is no one in this world that i can count on, or expect anything kind in return except God.
Then i wished the people who hurt me, would just go away, and stop adding salt to my wound. When they apologize ( if they do). All i do is want to condemn them, because it hurts so much, so painful - it just sends me to a place there i can see no one, no light, sometimes i feel that place is Godless too. But something inside me tells me, be kind - always be kind. Be the kindness you want to see.
I'm struggling with this, " be the kindness you want to see " , is very difficult for me. I think the people i am surrounded by are not so nice, and i should surround myself with only loving and nice people.
If that is true, then who challenges me? That would be no one.
Today is a very slow day, i wished i could get some tender loving care from loved ones, but they all seem so far away, so spaced out.. this is when i have to stand and keep walking. Even though i can't picture God, i will try very hard, to picture Him walking with me, or even better, carrying me.
I have a presentation tomorrow, and all i am doing is just dazing and self-soothing.
Have a lovely weekend you guys!!! =)
Hello knee, i am truly sorry for hurting you.
Please, i really love you and i need you to get better.. quickly.
I miss walking properly and jogging and cycling and swimming...
I miss tossing and turning at night without having to hold you and
place you properly before i turn my body...
So please have mercy.. i haven't had any release of endorphins lately,
so please have mercy....
