People who say they don't expect anything expects more than everything.

They expect you to love them unconditionally, understand them, take care of their feelings, make them feel special.

But they never do the same for you. Wonder why. I am the one who has to understand, has to love them unconditionally along with all the hurt they caused. And they never fail to make me feel special- like rubbish. 

Then i asked myself again. Why am i making this person a priority when i am just an option to them?

My choice, i choose that option. I let people treat me that way............

ahahahahah.... new year's resolution to be stronger and don't expect anything. don't give everything.

But the Lord said, love each other, love your enemies. Bestow grace upon those who doesn't have my grace and love. So, is my feelings important, or am i to love those who even hurt me.

Hide and Seek

We meet all types of people in life, some are awesome, some psychotic, some painfully smart.....

But i wonder why i meet a lot of people who are of the same category.. Confused people.

I wished it was funny. Sometimes i think it doesn't involve me because its their life right? WRONG.

Confused people are those who doesn't know what they want in life, and it really shows.

They can't pick a restaurant, they don't know what they want to do, what to eat, they have no idea

about what's next. Then there're some who just can't decide between yes or no.. so one minute they are the yes people the next minute , they say no.. then yes then no...... Its like they just wait to follow people's foot steps. I don't know why, why don't for once, just take the lead, say what you really want to do, say what you feel. Get a backbone. 

Its like they're zombies, just dead people walking, no emotions, no desires, no dreams. You just do what you're supposed to do. Its like they have no appetite for life. I feel deeply for them. Oh my.

Don't you ever want to eat pizza, or double chocolate fudge cake, or just down the damn beer?

Is it that they compromise too much? Or is it that we're so advanced now, given that there are so many

choices out there, we can't choose ( The curse of too many choices? ). Maybe they're not leaders, just followers...  It really drives me nuts, especially when you're out with a group, everyone's waiting for someone to make a decision about where to eat, and so i command. ( If i don't we'll be standing there for - i dunno how long ). Then when we're having our meals, thats when they speak up.. like we shouldn't have came here, we shouldn't this we shouldn't that. [ Ya, we could have not come here, if you spoke up 20 minutes ago !!!!!!!!! ] 

I have this problem mainly with girls-thats why i stay far away from them. About 60% of guys i know are like that. Its kinda frustrating. Sometimes i just want to see a man do his thing. Just for once, make me feel like a woman. Be kick-ass, pick one and stick to it. Be decisive. Same when it comes to emotions, there was once a guy told me he likes me, then a few days later he say no, he doesn't like me anymore.
I mean how can you get confused? Dude..... WTH..... And if you love someone, can you love for one day and not the next? No, you can't .. so what got in the way between your heart's desires and what comes out from your mouth? Was it your ego? or you just don't have the courage to tell what's really happening in there.... Its a waste of time isn't it. As if we don't have enough equations to solve in life... the last thing i need is to get entangled with confused people.

No more hide and seek please we're no longer kids... I don't have all morning to look for you, or your thoughts or your desires. Look for yourself and lay them out..

 Am i expecting too much here? 

Mistakes

We are all flawed. We all make mistake, some small some big. Someone told me that good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from mistakes. We make all kinds of mistakes, often we also forget that people make mistakes too.

I can't forgive myself for my own mistakes(ocd case) and i easily forgive the mistakes people commit unto me, or unto themselves. Its so easy for me to tell them, in life, we all make mistakes, and its so easy for me to not judge them,because i believe that they are imperfect. Somehow, i can never convince myself that its ok to make mistakes. However, there are also those who makes mistakes every now and then but forgives themselves easily but hangs on to it when other people makes the mistake.

Funny isn't it. Apparently i have to take a chill pill. But i dunno how... I made that one choice and boom! Some mistakes made only leaves nothing but slight pinch, some scar, some permanent damage. Some mistakes change you so much you get lost in a limbo. I am so negative i could kill myself. If i have to repeat myself 3 times, my blood boils. This is what happens when you study too much maths,because your brain workers faster in a special way-why? there's no time to lose, time is everything. once its gone it will never come back. Speak once, loud and clear thats it. Be specific. Don't repeat-you're nagging. Don't tell me how to do it,because there's not only one way to solve the equation. Don't expect me to read our mind. I keep expecting people not to waste my time.. i am so fast. and i expect everyone to be like that. And i am truly sorry.

People will never understand what goes through my head, heart and mind, they don't understand. People will never understand, they only nod and say yes, but they never do. Walk in my shoes for one day-pls. Then tell me, then you judge me. I am still trying to accept that i am flawed. I wished i could take time to hear the birds sing, feel the rain on my skin. Let the first ray of sun light to light up my life. Look for purple butterflies. Lie on lavender fields. Play with the snow. And be at peace.

Expectations

Today, i was let down by a friend. I wasn't expecting anything from Z, until she told me that she would want to commit to what she said. I got excited too fast, too much. And i ended up being burnt.I felt rejected, i was sad because it wasn't like we had the chance everyday. It felt like i was in a box, and i was option A but she didn't pick me, she picked me over her own emotions, she said she couldnt make it because she was broke and she felt that it was wrong to borrow to go out with me.I felt angry, i thought she was selfish, but it has been so long we talk about this meet-up. I felt like a fool. She said she missed me and wanted to see me badly, but i guess not enough to make it happen in reality.

I am the selfish one? its a equation i can't balance. I feel its so unfair, cause everything single time when something good is about to happen.. *something i really look forward to* it really never happens- it makes me feel unworthy of people's time and energy.

When there's a will, there's a way right? for me at least, never say die until i get what i want.. maybe thats why i can;t understand why some people don't hold values like how i do.

Maybe i should try to understand why they can't.. but i can't accept things like , " i really wanna come but i just can't make it" - its just infuriating to hear that.Why do you want something, you feel the desire but you just can't make it happen... i can't figure it out. We all know, good things don't come by often.

Sometimes i wished these people would just take a step back to see what's happening, instead of indulging in their own ego, make the step and stand up to it. Then you will see that its just your ego holding you in the way, from something more beautiful. Easily said than done for a lot of people, but when you overcome your own feelings for something great, you'll barely remember that it was a great deal in the first place. I feel sad for this type of people, because they have so limited emotions that they just tell themselves that they can't. They don't think of others but their own conveniences. So Z, i guess you'll meet up with me, when its convenient and easy for you. If you're being put in the spot, you'll just back out and give some lame ass excuse.We could have hung out in the cheapest stall, eating cheap yucky food, but laughing away about it for a few hours. But i guess it was hard for you to think like that, because Z, you're so sensitive to your own feelings that you can't see mine. Its heart-wrenching, that you my best buddy, can't see others but yourself.

It goes the same for expecting for anything else in the world. Money, good grades, respect, love...

Respect and love is earned, not given readily. Good grades.. i have learned that it doesn't mean that we study hard, we get what we want. I have to learn this through the hard way, failing my subjects was devastating, but i learnt to pick myself up. Money is everything in this world, we can buy almost everything with money, but to me, money its nothing. It stands no where in my life that i have to worship and slog to earn it. It should be earned smartly. I'm glad i have my parents, my great siblings and God, always there for me through thick and thin. And through love, happiness, sadness and tears with these people make my life worth while. I'll lay down my life for them. As for you Z, you are not worth my time at all, its a good thing i found out today. Better late then never,because i am worth it.I am.