On the other side.

I am stressed ok! and i really miss my puppy. All i can think about is him, everytime i take a break i look at his pictures and i was tossing and turning last night, i spend ONE whole hour thinking about him.
Talk about OBSESSION!!

I can't take it, being away from him. I know it sounds like its too much, but i really can't take it anymore.
I spoke him over the phone, and my sister said he came nearer to the phone and started making whinny noises.
My sister says that he waits for me everyday at the door, to play with him. I can't even imagine his pretty 10 cents puppy face.

This is me all pretty and happy

This is me + stress.

Wish me luck!!!

Judgement Day

Hello people, tomorrow is the day. Where i have to go into a hall and be judged. Hah! I hate it - well because i am scared, anxious, panicky. Most of the time i can;t remember what i have studied and will completely scribble rubbish on my papers. Wish me luck!!! =)


Here's a little song stuck in my head,

p/s : My dad and sister brought Mr. Brown ( yeap, we decided to name him as such ) to the vet!!

SEE, i AM missing ALL THE GOOD STUFFS!!! Anyway, he sends this love. =D

What we learn in class

 1+1

Homework:

-55x+2.5y

Test: 

9048240x^2(3454x+84) + 8343x(x - 454)(354 -x)

Finals:

Find X when:

 98372 xy  where  is 9.45

Let the count down begin...

*stress level : 120%*

I am re-reading my notes, so it all goes inside my head. All th facts, and causes, and forces..
10 Minutes into it, all i'm seeing is black lines.....
I read, and re-read, and re-read again the same line.
Nothing goes in, all is going up is my frustration meter, and my head is going bonkers.

Hahaha... so guess what. I'm painting my nails, and typing with newly painted nails is not easy!!
After this, i am sooooo switching from words to numbers.
I hate having back to back papers, makes me so guilty when i am studying for one paper
and not the other.

How was your Tuesday? As boring as mine? Have a great day ahead peeps!!

Oh my love...

*Pls take note: stress level 90%*

I am so stressed i can't breathe. So i here i am, blogging and listening to music.

Did you know, i play the piano, Used to. hahaha..

Now i am away from home, can't really play much.

I love love love love love love love classical music.

Mostly from the romantic era, Tchaikovsky is my first husband, follow by Chopin.

And then we have Brahms and yada yada yada.....

And everything i here this piano concerto played by music prodigal Evgeny Kissin, conducted by the infamous 

Herbert von Karajan. It is so beautiful, intense and consuming- i would cry. You should try listening to him, he is a genius. Humming songs at 1,playing in orchestras at such a tender as of 10.

And this beautiful waltz by Brahms, also played by Evgeny Kissin

Oh My.....

Dreams and Reality.

Hello!!! how are you been? Its MONDAY. 3 days away from my paper.

I just had a moment of, you know. A scene, where i have dreamt of months ago, and it just flashed before my eyes. I know its a dream because its definitely not deja vu.
I normally write down my dreams into my diary. Because i have this thing, i always dream about things sometimes 6-12 months before it really happens before my eyes.

However, its not like a dream where i can change the world. Its normally just a fragment of what i am doing.. in my daily life. Like where am i at what time, and what am i wearing and who is with me.
Isn't it weird.

How come i don't dream of answering questions in the finals.
Sometimes my photographic memory works like wonders. =D

Anyways, have a pleasant Monday ok!! 

Shift left, shift right. (Stress 2)

What it takes for a person to change?

paradigmatic shift?.

I totally need that.
I feel a burning desire to do all these..

Start re-doing yoga (hurts like mad after centuries of not doing it)
Run 5 clicks a day...
Buy myself a new closet of clothes.
Have more time to bake and cook.
Paint more.
Watch more movies.
Shop more.
Eat more.

and be merry.

But all i have to do now is just study...
sadness redefined.

But...

I just made the most delicious chocolate pudding ever. =D

Ohhh Yea...

I know this feeling.
It seems to be very familiar.

Wait a minute......

S

T

R

E

S

S

!!!

A little inspiracion!!!

So today, i went for a little grocery shopping because my @*!!&% house mate went to de-froze the fridge without considering that i have food in the freezer!! and it's all bad. Ahh.... continue with the groceries...

I bought a tonnes of stuffs, because F I N A L S are approaching, and cooking is therapeutic, so is eating.
And i made beef burgers today from scratch! Awesome, never going to fast food joints anymore.
Cooking is just so awesome you know!! Your patty can be square but it still taste like heaven.

So over with the cooking and i wanted to share with you a little something that has been bugging me for the whole of last week. Yes, yes in the midst of having tests and assignments, i still have to time to listen to my friend's worries. He told me that his partner is so insensitive to his feelings, and he sometimes don't know if he is being over-sensitive or is his partner just plain insensitive.

Now,I have heard about this worry from this particular friend a few times now. So i told him, not to worry and just sleep on it. So he would feel better tomorrow.

Truth is, there is no feeling better when your partner is a insensitive person. How do you actually tell a person to be sensitive. It is a trait you cannot work on, maybe you can. Very difficult.
When a person cares for you, he will be sensitive right? Yes.
When he loves you, he cares about what you feel, and how you react, and he wants to take care
of your heart right?

Full stop.

Or maybe he doesn't take the effort anymore. Too comfortable?

How do i tell my friend this? Maybe i'll just make him a burger too!!

=)

Dry Spell.

Dry spell period. I don't know what to write. Hmm.. i do know what to write but i have been pretty busy lately with test and quiz and assignments. *2nd wave* and pretty soon i will be having my finals.. in approximately 12 days to be exact.. I seriously have to start studying everything.

So much has happened during my absence. I have gone a little off when i had 3 test in 4 days.....
And there's the part of me wanting something new.. like a new hair style... maybe bangs? or shorted hair...
And recently, when i am stressed up to dunno where, i just go online shopping... *totally addictive*
and you just keep adding thing to the bag!!!!!! But nothing beats real shopping, but back here, we don't have many things compared to what the internet can offer..

And there's the part..... I have been rather sickly lately.. almost 3 weeks now... And i haven't been to the gym for 3 weeks, i feel horrible. Like i feel so tired all the time... =|
And on top of that, i will be going for a short vacation with my friends from uni.. so i really have to get back into shape.. 5 clicks and yoga everyday!!!!!

=)  How did the past few days treated you? Hope you are doing fine!!!
Do have a wonderful weekend!!

I have a test on Sunday..............................................  so there goes my weekend. 

Panic Attack.

I woke up feeling miserable, like a lost child.
the world seems to be turning around all too fast.

Then i felt that i couldn't breathe.
I sat for a moment trying to breathe, just trying to breathe.

When i manage to ease the tightness in my chest..
I thought, what is going on?

Then i took a cold cold shower,
to freeze my brains.

I'm having a panic attack, and its not nice at all.
Wanna know why?
Finals are 3 weeks from now.

i'll just shout a little.
argh!

Blogs and Time.

I was sleepy and tired a while ago. That moment just left me. Pppffffttt.....

And here i am snacking on my muesli!!! ( It's for breakfast!!!)
And i have a day off tomorrow and i really just wanna relax.
After the holiday, i fell ill, but i dragged my ass to uni anyway. Because time flies like mad and my course mates are graduating ( I'm deferring ), and i feel all emotional because there's exactly one month left, to loud like mad, and talk while lecturers are teaching and get ourselves called out to solve equations!! (the high of it).
And i particularly remember how my friends cheer me up when i am down after a test (after knowing all the silly mistakes i have made) All of us are smart, in very different ways. They are those who, if come across a difficult question, will try no matter what. and I am the type who don't bother trying because i don't have a clue what the question is asking of me!! In the end, we all get ZERO. So we just laughed out loud, at the ink wasted.

Time really flies. If i could stop growing old, i just wanna grow up.
What lies ahead of me, i have a dream. Many dreams to be fulfilled.
I am greedy!! If i can dream, i can fulfill it!!! =)

Ya... so, Mondays and Tuesdays are like.. Spin class, super tiring, it seems forever.
Here i am going through blogs.. after blogs. Just makes me feel a little better. =)

Are u listening?? Anyone out there? 

Frustrating.

Hey peeps, wassup!!!

I haven't been able to rest properly since my last paper ended. Simply because my body is cranky and its going haywire. That's exactly what i feel today too..

I went to the gym, someone was supposed to be in there already, but when i went there. No one was inside and that particular person.. might have finished and locked up. So, i really wanna use the gym ok.. And i am super tight for time, i have exactly 30 minutes for a quick run before i start my day.. Normally i would go to the gym during evening or at night.. And i know today i won't make it through the day as well because my body is tired..

So there you go. Frustration. Don't like it. But there are people in this world ... who adds to it.
AArrrrggggghhhhh. Sleep deprived, and frustration. I will bark. And Bite. Today.
hhahahahahhahaha

Of brains and gym.

HElllllllllloooooooooooooooooooooooo...

This whole week is just crazy.. its just amazing how am i still alive...

I had a test today, which i have been study for since the last weekend.... 

It was relatively easy and i could do it, but i'll never know how many silly mistakes i made..

I was disturbed by the fact it was easy, but i couldn't score... its definitely better than being.. getting a super 

hard paper and getting zero... I mean.. it's totally me... Why the hell can't i just do it right without all the unnecessary nonsense......

I just let it go because it couldn't change anything.. 

After class i came home and tried to get some sleep, so i kept sniffing the lavender oil, because it really helps me,

to calm my nerves and it puts me to sleep really quickly...

So i fell asleep.

And when my alarm rang.. i felt so tired. My body felt really heavy.. and i just wanted to

lie back down to continue sleeping, but i can't because i have a paper tomorrow as well and i need to rush some assignments. So i sat on my chair, my mind is blank.

I can't think, i don't wanna waste time... but i realized my brain really couldn't work because is going in..

It's not working because its too tired...  OMG. 

EXHAUSTION REDEFINED

So.. here i am just typing words.. and its not going through my mind.. i am going to the gym now..... to kick start my exhausted mind..

How to people do this shit?????????

Satisfaction.

I am not satisfied that i wrote such a short blog.. so after studying a few pages... here i am!!

Satisfaction, as i mentioned in my earlier blog i am not in the mood to study.
A few days ago, my guy friend said something like ,
 " Van, can you look at the other girls? You need to be more like them "

I was hurt, i am not girlish enough to everyone around me. But if you look into me,
and my heart and my actions. I am indeed, every inch of me, is girly enough.
He was one of my close friends, and for him to say something like that just shows that
he doesn't know me at all.

But why am i looking for answer from other people. Why am i feeling hurt when people
say what they see. And why am i fussing over it, when i don't even show my true self in the first place?

Today i feel totally like.... rubbish. One of those days you wanna feel good but there's no amount
of comfort food can do it, neither does shopping, or music, or drawing. So i told myself *self deception*
for the coming event that i am going to attend, i have to get a knockout dress to look my best.
* The boost i give myself is to look hot and pretty - to compensate my emptiness.

And emptiness i try to fill, by looking answers not from myself from others.
I believe its me, its all me and my unsatisfactory life.

And then my best , all time favourite, i can tell him anything friend came along.
And he told me that besides being hot and sexy, there are also other another side of me.
He didn't wanna tell me but he did in the end.

He said i am warm, and the person i really am ... caring, fond and kind... and there are many other desirable traits..and i am hot and sexy.

I teared a little to hear him say that, life is harsh, i am more harsh on myself. Sometimes i really feel like
i am a lousy person. Like i totally suck. If i don't suck- I am not suppose to feel this way right..
If i am not lousy then why does it seem so blurry and why am i so lost.
I felt relief, hearing someone tell me that i am a good person, from a person who
really knows me inside out.

So maybe its just another average not so good day, if i had more true friends.
We all need a little positive info every once in a while, don't we?
Sometimes i need opinions from another dimension other than myself.

And its good to know, i am doing great. But still, satisfaction is not achieved by
listening what we want to hear, but from deep within. I will work on that.
Little baby steps.

Procastination

i have so many tests coming up.
But i don't feel like studying a bit.
Telling myself "later later later"
I'm going to cry my eyes out cursing that
if only .... i had more time....
then maybe i would have gotten an A....

Can't do this shit. I HAVE TO STUDY NOW.
Bye.

Stress Alert.

Yesterday was a bad bad monday because i didn't get to sleep like a baby. This is how sometimes i hate myself for having insomnia.

1 am      : I off my lights, put some lavender oil on my pillow. Tuck myself in.
1.05 am : Looks at the ceiling.
1.06 am : Looks at the cupboard.
1.07 am : Looks at the wall.
1.08 am : Looks at my table.
1.09 am : *finding that comfortable spot*
1.10 am : Talks to my little ashley *cute little red pig*
1:11 am : Close my eyes and pray to God, to give me rest.
1:15 am : Opens eyes.
4.30 am : Looks at the ceiling.
5:00 am : Still tossing and turning.
5:30 am : Finally, i'm drifting away to dream land.
7:00 am : Alarm ringssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

Yea, so i dragged myself out of bed, bathe with my eyes closed. When i reached uni, i am restless, and tired and within 3 minutes of a tutorial or lecture i feel like dying. But the day got better because my friends were being so goofy and funny, i kept laughing until my stomach ached. So i got home at 7 in the evening. I have to study and do my tutorials, and go to the gym and cook dinner.
In the end i just ate bread, skipped gym and dived straight into tutorials.

I really don't understand how lecturers work...
  
     What is being taught in lectures :  X
     What is being asked in tutorials : Y + Z
     What is test in finals                  : 0.05X + 0.2(Y + Z)

What is the purpose? To teach one thing and ask us another thing, and test us on a fraction of both?
To cut the super long story short, every single time i do my finance tutorials, i end up sitting on my chair for hours, because i have to read the lecture notes again and again, and then try to search the net for answers. Showing up in tutorials with no answers is.... you will get beheaded.

So i went to bed,this time i just died. hahhahaha... Tuesdays are a bit more relaxing. Still 8-5 classes, but i have 2 hours break instead of just an hour... i skipped gym again today. I feel super tired, my chest is tight, like gasping for air??? Tell tale sign that my body is literally rejecting the idea of what is going to happen for the next few weeks.....

Week 8 - 3 test + 1 quiz
Week 9 - 1 test + 2 assignments due date + 1 quiz
Week 10 - 1 test + 1 quiz.

The quiz is such a pain in the ass, it goes on for 10 weeks, one mark per each quiz.
So for you to totally get 10 marks. You have to get 1/1 for each quiz, which consist of 10 questions.
Lecturers are mad.

Stress alert!!!!!!!!!!!!


But guess what? Even with all these stress, i still wanna study. However the only thing that is stopping me is ...... i keep wanting to go to the mall to get groceries.. totally crazy.

Stressed.

Its 3 am and i am still studying and my brain is fried. And i can feel it creeping up my shoulders.
Stress. Stress. Stress. My neck hurts and my shoulder blades feels heavy.

When i am stressed, i do all kinds of nonsensical stuffs. I would exercise like a mad woman, because it helps me release my stress and it gives me back my clear mind to i can continue studying.
And i either eat alot or don't eat. Both are equally bad. The worst part of stress is that, most of the days, i cannot fall asleep. My mind works all the time, and when i close my eyes, my brain still does all the calculations and i am still *miraculously trying to memorize all my equations. So, even if i get to sleep, i would wake up being more tired than i was before...

However, i also do realize that when i am stress... i become more creative.
Its the time i cook more, i wear more colorful stuffs.. and i draw more. And i do put on more make up,
i guess its also another way of therapy and releasing my stress.

Christmas is coming and i am so excited , however i have to get over next week.
I can't wait to cook for my family and i am so looking forward to spend time with my loved-ones.
So, there you go.. i'm off to my books again. =)

Hilarious!!!! =D

A glimpse of the frustration we go through... Check it out!!!