Feeling,being,becoming.

You know, that little voice in your head which you cannot tame - has successfully gotten into my head and stayed there for hours now. I have tried to reason with that 'voice' to a point, to many points. And now I have no outlet to release this cloud of thoughts. I really want to run in the rain right now- but there's no rain right now and it would be very mad of me to run right now.

I have been through this again and again and I'm honestly getting a little annoyed with myself. I have successfully allowed that voice to doubt my capabilities, abilities and my self-worth. I feel hollow. I have many world things and according to the worldly - o - meter, I have passed. Big time.

What did I miss while going through this all the other times. I'm sure I have missed something.  I want to go beyond this point. I'm very sure the repeated experiences are to teach me something I do not want to learn. 

So much easier said than done. 

Life is a game, of will, speed and wit, accompanied with many failures and highlighted moments of success. And I accept that life is all about trying and being. But at this point - I am totally clueless how to go about this. 

I have booked that flight to paradise. I have forgiven my past lovers. I told my heart to love freely and unconditionally. I have commanded my brains to work better. My legs are running further and faster. My belly with happier with the food I feed it. I drink in beautifully written books. I enjoy my chocolate cake like a boss. I have laughed louder and harder. I have cried more and meant all my tears. I have helped just because. I appreciate every sunrise I have seen. I have felt the rain on my skin. 

Yet this hole. Inside me. Is. like. A. Big. Deluge.

And the best part? It comes with different times, in waves that varies in tidal lengths, sizes and duration. I do not recognise it because it has no one exact shape or face. It appears and vanishes at different points in my life, involving different people and in different circumstances. I'm feeling vexed with all these thoughts when I'm supposed to be resting. Life is beautiful, one way or another.