Lent

Its the first day of lent, i was thinking hard what would i wanna do this time.

Its the time to go back to God, for repentance, and i don't wanna do something that i wouldn't challenge myself.
I don't wanna go vegetarian or just to show that my body is into it.
I want my soul, my heart, my thought, and my body to be into it.
So i was thinking about what i should do.

Then i thought about it, and i came a cross an article about how we should all be gentle and full of grace with our loved ones. So i thought , hey, why not i try this. Since i am not the so-gentle-type of girl.

Its not about being gentle, i am gentle for my loved ones, maybe not full of grace.
This would be a challenge for me, like 100% challenge.
So i pray God, that in this lent period, may i be more like you *a fraction*.
I am sorry for all the sins i have committed, when i shouted at my parents, when i let myself think lowly myself and wallow in self-pity, or i questioned You. So, i will try very hard in these 3 months to a little more like you. To know that You are always with me, and i am worth it and i should be more gentle and graceful, towards myself, my thoughts, my life, my parents, my siblings, and all around me, even the cashier-guy.

I want to be more graceful, and kind and gentle towards everything and everyone in this world.

Satisfaction.

I am not satisfied that i wrote such a short blog.. so after studying a few pages... here i am!!

Satisfaction, as i mentioned in my earlier blog i am not in the mood to study.
A few days ago, my guy friend said something like ,
 " Van, can you look at the other girls? You need to be more like them "

I was hurt, i am not girlish enough to everyone around me. But if you look into me,
and my heart and my actions. I am indeed, every inch of me, is girly enough.
He was one of my close friends, and for him to say something like that just shows that
he doesn't know me at all.

But why am i looking for answer from other people. Why am i feeling hurt when people
say what they see. And why am i fussing over it, when i don't even show my true self in the first place?

Today i feel totally like.... rubbish. One of those days you wanna feel good but there's no amount
of comfort food can do it, neither does shopping, or music, or drawing. So i told myself *self deception*
for the coming event that i am going to attend, i have to get a knockout dress to look my best.
* The boost i give myself is to look hot and pretty - to compensate my emptiness.

And emptiness i try to fill, by looking answers not from myself from others.
I believe its me, its all me and my unsatisfactory life.

And then my best , all time favourite, i can tell him anything friend came along.
And he told me that besides being hot and sexy, there are also other another side of me.
He didn't wanna tell me but he did in the end.

He said i am warm, and the person i really am ... caring, fond and kind... and there are many other desirable traits..and i am hot and sexy.

I teared a little to hear him say that, life is harsh, i am more harsh on myself. Sometimes i really feel like
i am a lousy person. Like i totally suck. If i don't suck- I am not suppose to feel this way right..
If i am not lousy then why does it seem so blurry and why am i so lost.
I felt relief, hearing someone tell me that i am a good person, from a person who
really knows me inside out.

So maybe its just another average not so good day, if i had more true friends.
We all need a little positive info every once in a while, don't we?
Sometimes i need opinions from another dimension other than myself.

And its good to know, i am doing great. But still, satisfaction is not achieved by
listening what we want to hear, but from deep within. I will work on that.
Little baby steps.

Procastination

i have so many tests coming up.
But i don't feel like studying a bit.
Telling myself "later later later"
I'm going to cry my eyes out cursing that
if only .... i had more time....
then maybe i would have gotten an A....

Can't do this shit. I HAVE TO STUDY NOW.
Bye.

A change of lappie.

Yooo.. peeps.. wassup...
I had a bad/ horrible + good weekend. I've been too busy to update my blog.
What really happened wass.....

Right after my last blog, my lappie crashed- like big time.
So i huffed and i puffed and i cried in frustration and begged it to be ok. But it won't go away.
All the worms and horses that haunted my little lappie..
So i had to go home, to get my laptop changed.

So after my class on thursday, i went to catch a bus to go home... it was a bloody boring ride.
There was no stars in the sky because it was about to rain. Thick heavy clouds..
And the bus was freezing cold, poor me.. i only had a thin piece of cloth called cardigan.

Being home is the beessstttt feeling ever, but it all gets better.. not only i get to change my lappie with Mr.X.
So i can take Mr.X's and then i can send mine to the workshop. =)
Guess what... i also got a new pair of glasses.. My previous one was about 3 years old and i am so tired of that boring look.. so i a super spanking awesome one!!! =D

That was pretty much about the exciting news. the bad news that i am way behind time.
For my assignments and also for my studying for all the tests... All my lappie's fault!! HAH!
So ... i need to work on my speed and my brain cells.  Lets hope i don't catch a fire.

Stress Alert.

Yesterday was a bad bad monday because i didn't get to sleep like a baby. This is how sometimes i hate myself for having insomnia.

1 am      : I off my lights, put some lavender oil on my pillow. Tuck myself in.
1.05 am : Looks at the ceiling.
1.06 am : Looks at the cupboard.
1.07 am : Looks at the wall.
1.08 am : Looks at my table.
1.09 am : *finding that comfortable spot*
1.10 am : Talks to my little ashley *cute little red pig*
1:11 am : Close my eyes and pray to God, to give me rest.
1:15 am : Opens eyes.
4.30 am : Looks at the ceiling.
5:00 am : Still tossing and turning.
5:30 am : Finally, i'm drifting away to dream land.
7:00 am : Alarm ringssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

Yea, so i dragged myself out of bed, bathe with my eyes closed. When i reached uni, i am restless, and tired and within 3 minutes of a tutorial or lecture i feel like dying. But the day got better because my friends were being so goofy and funny, i kept laughing until my stomach ached. So i got home at 7 in the evening. I have to study and do my tutorials, and go to the gym and cook dinner.
In the end i just ate bread, skipped gym and dived straight into tutorials.

I really don't understand how lecturers work...
  
     What is being taught in lectures :  X
     What is being asked in tutorials : Y + Z
     What is test in finals                  : 0.05X + 0.2(Y + Z)

What is the purpose? To teach one thing and ask us another thing, and test us on a fraction of both?
To cut the super long story short, every single time i do my finance tutorials, i end up sitting on my chair for hours, because i have to read the lecture notes again and again, and then try to search the net for answers. Showing up in tutorials with no answers is.... you will get beheaded.

So i went to bed,this time i just died. hahhahaha... Tuesdays are a bit more relaxing. Still 8-5 classes, but i have 2 hours break instead of just an hour... i skipped gym again today. I feel super tired, my chest is tight, like gasping for air??? Tell tale sign that my body is literally rejecting the idea of what is going to happen for the next few weeks.....

Week 8 - 3 test + 1 quiz
Week 9 - 1 test + 2 assignments due date + 1 quiz
Week 10 - 1 test + 1 quiz.

The quiz is such a pain in the ass, it goes on for 10 weeks, one mark per each quiz.
So for you to totally get 10 marks. You have to get 1/1 for each quiz, which consist of 10 questions.
Lecturers are mad.

Stress alert!!!!!!!!!!!!


But guess what? Even with all these stress, i still wanna study. However the only thing that is stopping me is ...... i keep wanting to go to the mall to get groceries.. totally crazy.

Nothing better to do...

Me most recently... @ cafe cafe.

I am bored, and i can't sleep and i tomorrow i will be having a 

LONGGGGGGGGG day.

Life is fair.

For there is so much bad, there is still so much good.
We don't realize it because we don't wanna see it.

For every tear drop you shed, there is, will be a full, stomach-tightening laughter you will experience.
For every hardship you go through, someday your life will be easier.
For every failure, you're a step closer to success.
For every setback in life you experience, you will come out stronger.
Every time your heart breaks, there will be a time it will be whole again.

Life is very fair, we are never short-changed. God doesn't short change us.
So, if you ever feel miserable, think of the blue skies above us.
Its just that we cannot see the bigger picture, and we will soon, in time.
Life is beautiful, all my good and bad times.