Expectations

Today, i was let down by a friend. I wasn't expecting anything from Z, until she told me that she would want to commit to what she said. I got excited too fast, too much. And i ended up being burnt.I felt rejected, i was sad because it wasn't like we had the chance everyday. It felt like i was in a box, and i was option A but she didn't pick me, she picked me over her own emotions, she said she couldnt make it because she was broke and she felt that it was wrong to borrow to go out with me.I felt angry, i thought she was selfish, but it has been so long we talk about this meet-up. I felt like a fool. She said she missed me and wanted to see me badly, but i guess not enough to make it happen in reality.

I am the selfish one? its a equation i can't balance. I feel its so unfair, cause everything single time when something good is about to happen.. *something i really look forward to* it really never happens- it makes me feel unworthy of people's time and energy.

When there's a will, there's a way right? for me at least, never say die until i get what i want.. maybe thats why i can;t understand why some people don't hold values like how i do.

Maybe i should try to understand why they can't.. but i can't accept things like , " i really wanna come but i just can't make it" - its just infuriating to hear that.Why do you want something, you feel the desire but you just can't make it happen... i can't figure it out. We all know, good things don't come by often.

Sometimes i wished these people would just take a step back to see what's happening, instead of indulging in their own ego, make the step and stand up to it. Then you will see that its just your ego holding you in the way, from something more beautiful. Easily said than done for a lot of people, but when you overcome your own feelings for something great, you'll barely remember that it was a great deal in the first place. I feel sad for this type of people, because they have so limited emotions that they just tell themselves that they can't. They don't think of others but their own conveniences. So Z, i guess you'll meet up with me, when its convenient and easy for you. If you're being put in the spot, you'll just back out and give some lame ass excuse.We could have hung out in the cheapest stall, eating cheap yucky food, but laughing away about it for a few hours. But i guess it was hard for you to think like that, because Z, you're so sensitive to your own feelings that you can't see mine. Its heart-wrenching, that you my best buddy, can't see others but yourself.

It goes the same for expecting for anything else in the world. Money, good grades, respect, love...

Respect and love is earned, not given readily. Good grades.. i have learned that it doesn't mean that we study hard, we get what we want. I have to learn this through the hard way, failing my subjects was devastating, but i learnt to pick myself up. Money is everything in this world, we can buy almost everything with money, but to me, money its nothing. It stands no where in my life that i have to worship and slog to earn it. It should be earned smartly. I'm glad i have my parents, my great siblings and God, always there for me through thick and thin. And through love, happiness, sadness and tears with these people make my life worth while. I'll lay down my life for them. As for you Z, you are not worth my time at all, its a good thing i found out today. Better late then never,because i am worth it.I am.