Nothing better to do...

Me most recently... @ cafe cafe.

I am bored, and i can't sleep and i tomorrow i will be having a 

LONGGGGGGGGG day.

Life is fair.

For there is so much bad, there is still so much good.
We don't realize it because we don't wanna see it.

For every tear drop you shed, there is, will be a full, stomach-tightening laughter you will experience.
For every hardship you go through, someday your life will be easier.
For every failure, you're a step closer to success.
For every setback in life you experience, you will come out stronger.
Every time your heart breaks, there will be a time it will be whole again.

Life is very fair, we are never short-changed. God doesn't short change us.
So, if you ever feel miserable, think of the blue skies above us.
Its just that we cannot see the bigger picture, and we will soon, in time.
Life is beautiful, all my good and bad times.

Day in day out

Just a couple of weeks ago, one of my random friend, decided that bringing up a particular subject when we we're chilling out.

*topic was- Me, Vanessa is super emotional, and ALL my post on my facebook are emotional. *

I felt very uncomfortable when he said something like that, so i didn't bother to say anything back. After the attempt to embarrass me. He continued to be a jackass which he always was. So nearing the end of the night, he sarcastically said, " You looked pissed, why don't you just chill? "

" Fuck off jackass " i hissed.

And he made a face, like an irritating face, and he said, " Omg, this is the moment i am suppose to feel hurt but guess what, i am not- at all." He looked satisfied, as if he accomplished his mission- which is to irritate the shit out of me. { This particular friend, is nice, has a good heart, but he's currently 26-never had a girlfriend in his life, a total dick-head}.

So i went home angry with him, angry at the other friends who didn't say anything *maybe they think the same too* and most of all, angry with myself because

1) I know its not true.
2) Why do i even bother?
3) Even if ALL my post were emotional. Why is it his problem?

So i went to sleep and totally forgot about it... until...
I met another friend on my way out to the mall, we exchanged a few words and he asked if i was free to hangout, i politely decline because i'm currently in my mid semester and i don't have much time to hangout.

" Why do you always seem to have test? " he asked.


" I just do, its not something i can control you know " I replied.

" Well, its all OK, when you come out to work next time, employers won't look at how well you do in university, its the cert that matters only. And try not to get to emotional over it, your facebook shout-outs are emotional, especially when it comes to your studies" He said.

*Blood boils to the core* But i politely excused myself from him and headed to the mall.

WTF?

Why is so bloody hard for people to understand that i have test ALL the time. I am ranting because I have the right to do so. Even if i am ranting about MY LIFE, why is that they seem so distraught about it? And i feel so angry because he, is an engineer, and i am an actuary to be. Why does he thinks he is fit to give me advice about something he doesn't even know about, even 5%.
I have quizzes every week OK, and i don't have time to slack. And this semester, i have to freaking read 25 journals, and wall street stuffs- i find all these figures are too heavy for me..
I read about prudential assurance the other day, to be interviewed, your CGPA needs to be at least 3.0/4.0.
Enuff said, FML.

The part that puzzles me the most, why is it that i don't have my privacy to rant? Yes the cyber space is wide, and transparent...... so? It's my bloody wall.. Dudeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.............
I don't get to post things i wanna post, and even if i do. Which part of it hurts others?
And the best part is, i checked back my records. Maybe 20% of my post are emotional, and the rest is normally some random shit which other people can appreciate, i am saying this because if you can get 15 to like your post, trust me, Your post is a shared, common, and very likeable post. RIGHT? Of course.

Look, i don't really care what people post on anywhere, i don't care whether people are emotional or not.*unless you are emotional 365 days a year* Because why? Life is the way it is, everyday has its ups and downs, and i rather be an emotional person compared to having no feelings towards my daily life. So why am i being penalized for identifying my emotions right? And i know for sure, if you feel down today, or tomorrow, surely someday you feel like there's so much happiness and gladness that you can explode.

Is it really me, or is that they just have to comment on other people's life. Or they just need to have a say.. Why should i even bother about what these people say about me and to me, when all i see them is annually. It's either me or them, it's either i'm being a total bitch or they are just insensitive jackass.
Maybe a little bit of both. hahaha

Let it go.

Question Mark?

I am scared, like really scared. Today,i was sitting on my bed folding my clothes.. and i had an epiphany.

Time is really catching up and i feel exhausted almost 20 hours out of my 24 dam hours.

And life is so fragile, everything is so fragile. My heart is super fragile although it appears like i don't have a heart *first impression,surveyed, confirmed and 100% true* . My dad is fragile, my mom is fragile, my brothers are fragile, my sister is fragile. 

I don't want things to change, i want to keep them the way it is. Sometimes the more i want something, it miraculously disappears faster and it normally takes double the effort for me to get it back. Law of attraction not working here? 

I am scared that my life is going to be just they way is it now, everyday, just everyday.

I want it to be full of passion, i want my life. But i don't know where to start. What to pick.

What to do. Sometimes i really don't know what the hell am i doing... Am i the only one feeling this way. I told my friend about how i feel, and she thought that i was ungrateful, never happy with what i have. Part of me agree, but part of me totally disagreed with her opinion.

Why do i have to feel appreciative and grateful when i have no hunger for life, why do i have to be like everyone else, just be like everyone else. I don't want to be just everyone else and life their lives like robots. I want satisfaction, fulfillment, passion, i feel so much hunger for my life, and i sometimes pity others who can't see my whole through my lens... To them i am just an ungrateful person.

I fear that all my dreams are too big for me, so much things to do, so little time.

People around me are getting married, having children, some of my friends have died at such a tender age, some just waste their lives away living other people's dream and life.

I am paying so much attention to all these details. Am i crazy?

I am scared. But then again, who isn't? If you're not scared, you're not paying attention to the things and people surrounding you. 

What am i to do. Question Mark.

Broga Hills. =)

I managed to squeeze in some time for a little hike up a hill.

Its called Broga Hills situated in the outskirts of kl.

The scenery is just perfect, but a little too packed on weekends.

The Little secret place behind my house.

The seven little things hiding behind the bushes.

They are just so so so cute. =)

Mr. Wormy.

It's so beautiful there. :]

if life was ....

if life was meant to get me down every time i am up, congrats.
but with each struggle, i can climb up higher the next time.

So, thank you very much.

Building castles in the air.

Today, i feel very empty. I know its all over, this bitter sweet relationship i have been struggling for many years now. A part of me is relieve, and i feel like the heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Yet a part of me yearns for him to call, to show he still cares. I put my phone on silent mode, to tell myself i am not waiting for his calls, but i am. I can almost hear my phone vibrating when its not.

That very same part of me, remembers how his skin smells like. Remembers how warm his embrace is.
Remembers how his kisses taste like. How he tugs me in bed at night. He covers me with my favorite blanket from my neck to my toes. Then he makes my favorite peanut butter and jam sandwich with much pleasure. And how he says a prayer for me whenever i have a nightmare.

Out hearts are still as one, but time, space and distance has truly taken a toil on our beautiful journey.
I know it, because his embrace are not warm anymore, and although he is here with me, he is not here with me. And i start resenting him and his stupid gestures when i used to love it before. And everything that he says is wrong, his every gesture is wrong.

Building castles in the air. I wished a hug would just make me feel better, but it doesn't help anymore.
It takes more than just love right? yup.I know i deserve better, i deserve the attention, time, love and effort. I used to get it, and i still should..... Whatever it is, it is just not working for me anymore. Maybe its just me. I'm at this point where i am looking for my life. I want to wear my passion on my sleeves. I want to have a fulfilling life, i think i have a fulfilling life, but i don't know why i'm not feeling it. Maybe i need that little vacation.

Life is beautiful, even if its difficult, it is beautiful. My life is just "ok", i don't want to live with ok.
I want it to be beautiful. I wanna see stars and be fulfilled, i look at the beach and be at peace.
I wanna sing my heart out and be happy. I wanna see lady bugs * i haven't seen them since forever*
I wanna walk alone on a busy street and not feel empty inside and lonely.
I wanna be fulfilled. And i need to fulfill my own heart from inside out, with things that doesn't hurt me. Love is still beautiful, it is powerful and amazing, will never give up on love.

Someday, that particular person can give me the warmth of a lifetime, and carry half of my burden with me, make me peanut butter jelly sandwiches every morning. Some day, i will be fulfilled but until then, i have to fulfill myself and my life with much pleasure, happiness and passion and life.
So with little baby steps, i am sure i can do it.

I just chucked my assignments and books aside so that i can listen to beautiful music and paint.
And i will remember this moment in my life, when one door closes another opens. Before it does,
i will mend myself. =) Cheers to life.

Food,maggots and green eyes..

Hello peeps, wassup? =)

It has been quite a while since my last post... was busy celebrating Chinese New Year.
It was a very small gathering, only my family.. but with lotsa food! Stuffed to the core!!!! =D
It was also a very quiet new year for us, i practically did nothing besides sleeping, eating (75%), and just greeting visitors so i could collect red packets!!
And surprisingly, despite all the inflation and bad economy, i received quiet a hefty sum. =)

*****

Because i had nothing to do, and i ate most of the time, i spend all my evenings running to lose all the extra calories. There's this beautiful place, like a secret little getaway, which takes your breath away everytime you just step your foot in there. It is a narrow stretch of 2 km, with alot of trees and knee long grasses.... its just perfect. There's also a little hill to climb up...
So while climbing that hill, i saw some movements in a tree, not exactly a tree.. more like a shrub, with many twigs and branches and leaves covering it... i looked closer..

And i almost died ... there were 7 cute little puppies... so tiny... just so... awwwww.
They were all snugged up, close together. And despite that i couldn't find their mother, they were
well fed.  =) [ I'm such a sucker for puppies ]

So i went back everyday just to get a glimpse of those cute little things... i wished i could bring them all home.. not one, but all of them. You should see them for yourself- its like they love each other so much. I wanted to touch them so much, but i was scared my hands would hurt them..
But i touched them anyway. My sister and I were having so much fun... until my sister found that
one of the puppies was sick, it was like .. out-casted, it was smaller and i guess it couldn't fight for milk?  It had holes in its body. Like HOLESSSS.
She being the caretaker of the universe was worried like hell. And off we went to buy Dettol, wanting to clean up its wound and help it be healthier all over again.

So the next day, off we went to rescue the little puppy, its was a white puppy with black spots.
I was really disgusted, my dad ( dog expert) was cleaning its wound.. and you wont believe it..
Fat maggots were crawling out of the wound. I stood away.. like far enough. Me and worms- NO NO.
So after one day, we came back and saw that its finally running around playing with its other siblings.
We we both delighted. =)

*****

I left my hometown for KL again, back to uni. I was so reluctant, so tired of travelling, and cleaning my room all over again.. Seriously, i really love all my clothes but I really hate it with a passion when i have to clean up my cupboard. Then wash the sheets and cook and study and tutorials, and assignments and bla bla bla... 

First day back was exhausting. Then i have to deal with... test this week. And test and exams don't stop until MAY. So yeah, my whole being was practically rejecting the whole idea of studying and mugging constantly. I wanted to cry..... why do i have to work so bloody hardddddddddddddddd..............

Irritated and sad... i just sat down and played angry birds. hhaahhahaha..

No homework done, no research done, no dishes washed, no clothes were folded.

Just me and my laptop. =) And my sister came to be with me so i won't go mad- just the thought of studying all those text books can drive me mad. I really have to make peace with my books.

While i was sending my sister back to the train station, [walking in the dark].

I was shocked as a man followed me really closely. I jumped and he apologized profusely.

Then we walked together back to our respective apartments. He had green eyes. =)

What a Beauty.

I was in the car, on my way back home to celebrate chinese new year.

My dad decided to avoid all other cars so we begun our journey at 5 in the morning.

Given the weather these days *its totally mad- it has been raining 2 days non stop*

the morning was still very dark up till about 7.15.

I was extremely tired but i can never sleep in journeys. 

So i lay my head back and look up into the sky... it was the most beautiful sight ever.

The city is often too polluted to have this beautiful sight.

Then i remember again, how small i am, and how magnificent and vast this world is.

It was really very very beautiful. I spend all the time looking at the stars.

Until the sunlight blocked them away.