Today, i feel very empty. I know its all over, this bitter sweet relationship i have been struggling for many years now. A part of me is relieve, and i feel like the heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Yet a part of me yearns for him to call, to show he still cares. I put my phone on silent mode, to tell myself i am not waiting for his calls, but i am. I can almost hear my phone vibrating when its not.
That very same part of me, remembers how his skin smells like. Remembers how warm his embrace is.
Remembers how his kisses taste like. How he tugs me in bed at night. He covers me with my favorite blanket from my neck to my toes. Then he makes my favorite peanut butter and jam sandwich with much pleasure. And how he says a prayer for me whenever i have a nightmare.
Out hearts are still as one, but time, space and distance has truly taken a toil on our beautiful journey.
I know it, because his embrace are not warm anymore, and although he is here with me, he is not here with me. And i start resenting him and his stupid gestures when i used to love it before. And everything that he says is wrong, his every gesture is wrong.
Building castles in the air. I wished a hug would just make me feel better, but it doesn't help anymore.
It takes more than just love right? yup.I know i deserve better, i deserve the attention, time, love and effort. I used to get it, and i still should..... Whatever it is, it is just not working for me anymore. Maybe its just me. I'm at this point where i am looking for my life. I want to wear my passion on my sleeves. I want to have a fulfilling life, i think i have a fulfilling life, but i don't know why i'm not feeling it. Maybe i need that little vacation.
Life is beautiful, even if its difficult, it is beautiful. My life is just "ok", i don't want to live with ok.
I want it to be beautiful. I wanna see stars and be fulfilled, i look at the beach and be at peace.
I wanna sing my heart out and be happy. I wanna see lady bugs * i haven't seen them since forever*
I wanna walk alone on a busy street and not feel empty inside and lonely.
I wanna be fulfilled. And i need to fulfill my own heart from inside out, with things that doesn't hurt me. Love is still beautiful, it is powerful and amazing, will never give up on love.
Someday, that particular person can give me the warmth of a lifetime, and carry half of my burden with me, make me peanut butter jelly sandwiches every morning. Some day, i will be fulfilled but until then, i have to fulfill myself and my life with much pleasure, happiness and passion and life.
So with little baby steps, i am sure i can do it.
I just chucked my assignments and books aside so that i can listen to beautiful music and paint.
And i will remember this moment in my life, when one door closes another opens. Before it does,
i will mend myself. =) Cheers to life.
That very same part of me, remembers how his skin smells like. Remembers how warm his embrace is.
Remembers how his kisses taste like. How he tugs me in bed at night. He covers me with my favorite blanket from my neck to my toes. Then he makes my favorite peanut butter and jam sandwich with much pleasure. And how he says a prayer for me whenever i have a nightmare.
Out hearts are still as one, but time, space and distance has truly taken a toil on our beautiful journey.
I know it, because his embrace are not warm anymore, and although he is here with me, he is not here with me. And i start resenting him and his stupid gestures when i used to love it before. And everything that he says is wrong, his every gesture is wrong.
Building castles in the air. I wished a hug would just make me feel better, but it doesn't help anymore.
It takes more than just love right? yup.I know i deserve better, i deserve the attention, time, love and effort. I used to get it, and i still should..... Whatever it is, it is just not working for me anymore. Maybe its just me. I'm at this point where i am looking for my life. I want to wear my passion on my sleeves. I want to have a fulfilling life, i think i have a fulfilling life, but i don't know why i'm not feeling it. Maybe i need that little vacation.
Life is beautiful, even if its difficult, it is beautiful. My life is just "ok", i don't want to live with ok.
I want it to be beautiful. I wanna see stars and be fulfilled, i look at the beach and be at peace.
I wanna sing my heart out and be happy. I wanna see lady bugs * i haven't seen them since forever*
I wanna walk alone on a busy street and not feel empty inside and lonely.
I wanna be fulfilled. And i need to fulfill my own heart from inside out, with things that doesn't hurt me. Love is still beautiful, it is powerful and amazing, will never give up on love.
Someday, that particular person can give me the warmth of a lifetime, and carry half of my burden with me, make me peanut butter jelly sandwiches every morning. Some day, i will be fulfilled but until then, i have to fulfill myself and my life with much pleasure, happiness and passion and life.
So with little baby steps, i am sure i can do it.
I just chucked my assignments and books aside so that i can listen to beautiful music and paint.
And i will remember this moment in my life, when one door closes another opens. Before it does,
i will mend myself. =) Cheers to life.
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