Blinding Beauty

When it comes, it comes..

When my mind takes over me.

Today, I feel really .. crazy. The amount of things that goes through my mind is mind-blasting.

Less than 48 hours ago, I just touched down from a very nice getaway. I travelled through Java, Bali and Lombok in 10 days. My - it was spectacular. I'll post pictures!

I got exhausted just by looking at my schedule. I can't sleep at night because my body is still adjusting to my daily routine. There was just too much beauty in my short trip. Sunrises, sunsets, plentiful lush green trees , smiling sun, beautiful and kind people.

Back to my schedule. Yap - consumed already. I'm working way too hard. Feeling way too tired. Worrying about way too many things. I'm tired and I feel old.

Was it because..

I took a year off and wasted time on 'thinking what I want out of life' ?
Or I just wasn't good enough.
Was it because I didn't score straight A's in uni?
Is it because I'm smarter?
Does this have to do with the number of books I read.
Or the almost un- increasing number of smart conversations I'm suppose to have.
Was it because I took short-cuts?
Did I eat too much pizza.

I keep a record of people's response

You're still young.
No rush.
Relax and enjoy your life.
Do what you love.
At least you're NOT 30.
Your time will come.

And I'm just so ready to jump on their face. I feel terribly tired. But looking at this beautiful picture, just makes me feel less insane.

The prettiest sunrise ever.

SUNDAY!!

Hello dearest people;

I'll peel a piece of my life now to fill you in about what red/yellow/purple cloud has been over me.
The last 2 weeks was crazy, i mean its always crazy but for the past 2 months. It has been crazy crazy. Like a way that I could have never imagined. The impossible happened and I'm terribly surprised how much stress my body can handle. Actually not much. Physically or mentally. On a scale of one to ten. Its a staggering 2.37..

Haha. Humorous.

I have had 2 nervous breakdowns - ALREADY!. That was just in a total of 2 weeks. Let me think, in the past two months... how many nervous breakdowns have i had? 683 times.

My social life is a big ZERO. Actually is a negative. Haha. I spend my weekends in bed. Oh. I know how this sounds like. But i'm so happy to be in my bed. Our relationship has literally grown - exponentially.

This weekend work is being nice and gentle to me. So I have had a few extra hours to stare in the space and breath without having to do anything. Man.. The perfect definition of happiness.

And I had my 10km run. Wind in my face. My breakfast is not oats and nuts. Its actually scrambled eggs, with sauteed mushrooms and half and avocado with the perfect latte.

Owh. Sunday - you love me don't you?

I love you more.

I want to jump for joy.

Magical Moments.

I like to star gaze. The only chance I get to do it.. is actually when I'm out of town.
Because there;s no chance of seeing anything in the sky with that level of light and air pollution.

And when I was just staring at the sky for almost 2 hours.

A shooting star.

With the vast dark but clear sky as the backdrop. Along with many other stars.
Was indeed a very magical moment.

Witnessing it, awoke my broken spirit. Makes me feel a little more alive - like something bigger and more interesting is out there for me to explore. For me to waste time on. Other than my world things.

I, of course made a wish.

I wished that I could love more, love better.

without you - it's a waste of time.

Why Don't You

 

Have that difficult 

conversation 

already?

1,24, 96 hours.

A big portion of me love writing. Well, I'm a very emotional person - although I don't show that on the outside sometimes, but if you can see the insides of me. It would be a chaos of thoughts and emotions. How do I convey it to the mass market is another art all together.

Sometimes I feel that no one is reading my blog, feels like i'm talking to a wall - which is good. Other times I feel awesome as well, when I know there are signs of people reading. Which is good also.

So, this post is not one of those hopeful and happy post. Why. Life happened.

Today, I was totally defeated.  The competitor? Myself. 

I was totally un-glued. I was all over the place.

Already exhausted with the the amount of workload September has to offer. On top of that, being bullied at work - not fun at all.  Further more, I woke up with a earth-shattering headache. And of all days, Wednesday decided to test my patience today.

Before 9am - Today I'm cool. I'm so cool I'm the epitome of coolness.

9;15 am      - My coolness turned cold. And I was fuelled.

Angry, frustrated and lusting to harm someone. I just wanted someone to feel the same pain and frustration. 

So …

While on the way to work.. in a cab ( I hailed 6 cabs and they refused to fetch me to my desired destination because… hello… traffic jam) . Imagine the mounted frustration. And so I decided to get a cab to the train station instead.

There in the cab. I started sobbing. Uncontrollably.

Like a baby.

Crying crying crying. Tears tears tears. Mucus mucus mucus. 

And the poor taxi driver just looked with much needed empathy and handed me tissues. 

And despite already going through a very rough morning. So I wanted to call someone to bitch about my bad day. Guess what. My mind decided that it was the perfect time to deal with THIS ISSUE - that I have NO ONE TO CALL to bitch about my life.

Can you believe my brains? Its too clever. 

So I called my mom. My MOM. I don't actually tell her my emotions. because I'm a private person. Actually there's only a handful of people I feel safe enough to talk about my emotions.

So my mom , is being a mom. And I'm glad she just told me to breathe. An action I forget to do from time to time.

Did I mentioned I cried all the way to work too. In the train as well. Poor guy sitting beside me. Must have been difficult for him to sit through all the crying.

So bla bla, i reached work 1.5 hours later than I am expected to be. And today is the due date to submit a report to HK headquarters. And my boss still wants to keep changing the content. No. Correction. She directs me to change the content. Again and again.

With my puffy eyes and stuck nose. I'm still all set to work.. Until I get bullied into doing things that are not my responsibilities. Mother of God. Seriously. 

Then, in the noon, a watch conference to attend. So when I went to ask the organiser the whereabouts and time regarding the event. 

SNAP in my face. 

So. basically my already emotion driven mind is now boiling. "Who the hell she think she is, just because she's fucking stressed - she doesn't get to behave badly' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I went back to my cubicle to mend my broken heart and broken mind. 

For the next two hours was reporting doing and I stayed off people for the rest of the day. The best choice I made in days. I'm at my cubicle typing away because my already saturated mind … is not concentrating on the numbers projected in front of me.

The girl apologised for snapping at me. The fighter cock in me wanted to answer back and reason with her. And then I looked at her face. I was out of energy.

What made me feel better - crying I guess. And definitely spotify - today clever spotify automatically played all my favourites. =) 

I finally finished my report. I feel like i need 96 hours a day, for tomorrow and Friday too. 

God bless me, I know You think i'm super good at juggling. But God, sorry .. apparently I haven't graduated from School of Juggling. 

God bless her for snapping at me - at the perfect time.

I hope I finish ALLLLLL my work tomorrow.

I'm going home now.

What the future smells like.

Besides being in love with myself, with what I do, with my loved ones. Things have been rather heavy. New projects, new power, new responsibilities.

I wouldn't say just 'rather' heavy.. its drowning me. But. I'm working doubly hard to surf this big wave coming my direction. Have to admit that with this big pile of work, comes with enormous amount of stress.

This stress will then translate to bad skin, bad sleeping habits, which will result in a higher intake of food, a declination in exercise. I know its bad.. because I have started to swear in traffic jams and all those cars who cuts into my lanes without putting on their signal lights. And I'm getting pissed at the rate of an elevator moves. When I want to make coffee and there's no hot water. When I want to get food and there's like a queue to get free money.

You get it ..

I'm giving myself 1.5 years to grow and learn, so I can emerge to be the person I want to be at the position i want to be taking on, surrounded by loved ones.

I have a goal insight. And it's staring back at me - and it seems closer each time.

What does the future smells like? A lot of hard work, determination and drive.

Makes my heart swell.

1) When he looking for me in a crowded place, and he comes from behind. And my body just simply knows, and turns just in time to greet his.

2) When what my wants are given first preference.

3) When he makes me breakfast or ice cream.

4) When he remembers what I say.

5) When his eyes shines.

Why Don't You

Ignore Everybody Else

&;

Be The Girl 

You Want To be
.

Anti-aging cream please.

Well well well, here I am. 26.

Aside from the fact that I used to have triple the amount of energy 3 years ago.
I feel good. Really good about life.

Where do I go, and what will I see in the next coming year? Curious as ever. The best part is that the future is not known, in other terms, anything can happen. The sky is the limit. This very feeling excites me to the core. It's another adventure.

Every year, on this day I evaluate my adventure. How have I evolved over the past year.

Last's years birthday was still fresh in my memory. I guess I have evolved alot. 21,22,23,24,25. I am definitely a very different person back compared to today. And I'm so glad for the me today. I am more in control, more positive, more aggressive, less rigid, more laid-back and definitely happier.

What I'm looking forward in the coming year. Is to

1) Constantly educate myself.
2) Always always treat people with respect, give them their space and to accept that everyone is different.
3) Pay it forward. With much love.
4) Take care of my health. Exercise. Cook more often. Get enough rest.
5) Always self-examine and learn from mistakes and going beyond it.
     - my thoughts, mannerism, words, work ethics.

And you my readers, please remind time to time about the 5 goals and do not hesitate from asking me if I'm implementing it in my daily life or how am I progressing. Please also remind me to always remain a kid. On how to love conditionally, laugh freely and loudly, and of course to dance to which ever track in playing in my life.

Absolutely amazing birthday. It just gets better every year. :) It's like I cannot wait to get old, to accumulate all these beautiful moments and experience and be the best person I can ever be, with time. It's gonna be a long wayyyy. :) Here's to life!!

So much love; have a pleasant weekend!

Why Don't You

Just
Let
It 
be

&

 Breathe

Feeling,being,becoming.

You know, that little voice in your head which you cannot tame - has successfully gotten into my head and stayed there for hours now. I have tried to reason with that 'voice' to a point, to many points. And now I have no outlet to release this cloud of thoughts. I really want to run in the rain right now- but there's no rain right now and it would be very mad of me to run right now.

I have been through this again and again and I'm honestly getting a little annoyed with myself. I have successfully allowed that voice to doubt my capabilities, abilities and my self-worth. I feel hollow. I have many world things and according to the worldly - o - meter, I have passed. Big time.

What did I miss while going through this all the other times. I'm sure I have missed something.  I want to go beyond this point. I'm very sure the repeated experiences are to teach me something I do not want to learn. 

So much easier said than done. 

Life is a game, of will, speed and wit, accompanied with many failures and highlighted moments of success. And I accept that life is all about trying and being. But at this point - I am totally clueless how to go about this. 

I have booked that flight to paradise. I have forgiven my past lovers. I told my heart to love freely and unconditionally. I have commanded my brains to work better. My legs are running further and faster. My belly with happier with the food I feed it. I drink in beautifully written books. I enjoy my chocolate cake like a boss. I have laughed louder and harder. I have cried more and meant all my tears. I have helped just because. I appreciate every sunrise I have seen. I have felt the rain on my skin. 

Yet this hole. Inside me. Is. like. A. Big. Deluge.

And the best part? It comes with different times, in waves that varies in tidal lengths, sizes and duration. I do not recognise it because it has no one exact shape or face. It appears and vanishes at different points in my life, involving different people and in different circumstances. I'm feeling vexed with all these thoughts when I'm supposed to be resting. Life is beautiful, one way or another.

10 things

Well hello;

1) I have been working for 12 days straight without rest. My body is now immune to exhaustion.

2) Finally taking a break to see my best buddy. 

3) I am too busy. to. even. cook.clean. or to do laundry.

4) I NEED A big IDEA FOR A special day.

5) I want to take time off; to go for a long post-phoned holiday by the beach ; with a peach cocktail.

6) I miss watching the stars. I should make time for that.

7) I have been thinking alot about running the WORLD.

8) Awkward moment when my boss talks to me about sex scenes from Games of Thrones. WEIRD!

9) I love my mom and dad and brothers and sister and doggie. And myself.

10) I'm happy,  feeling gleeful, and delighted, and pumped up with ambitious energy. And I am sad as well ; for some reasons. Isn't life beautiful just the way is it?

      - Y E S ! ! !

Adoration.

I love that I get to see the sunrise every morning; watching the colours in the sky change makes me feel blessed. I love honest people, honest emotions. I love the look on peoples face when they get something they want. I love how emotional people get when their favourite character dies. I love the smell of freshly cut grass; and how I am totally immersed with my inner child when I’m playing in the rain. 

I love that I laugh out loud so much – to the extend it annoys people enough for them to call me silly and crazy. I love the moment when I close my eyes and get drifted to somewhere.. into the clouds. I love seeing new places and travelling. I love eating and cooking.I definitely love maths and arts at the same time.

I love people who admit they are weak. I love individuals who are different – they somehow let me  be who I truly am inside. I love that I am not strong all the time, I love that I feel both extremes of emotions. I love that I breakdown sometimes and I love that I am so macho sometimes. I love that I sometimes have all the answers; and yet can be totally clueless as well.

I love that everything is so unpredictable. 

I love that I love myself; well of course there are days I do not. But I do somehow.

Hello and Good bye

you can find me at www.vanessachua.com

I will still be updating; here and there. :)

Thanks a million for reading!

Thoughts channeling through my scrambled brains.

When your good-natured values is like a double-edged sword, constantly, slowly and steadily taking away your ability to give your all gradually, each of all the other next times. That is what makes living to the fullest … a little more extra effort.

The most important things in life is indeed hardest to see and difficult to talk about. There are so over-whelming you will need to close your eyes wide shut to .. just be in the moment and acknowledge it and then let it take you higher.

And then life is just a series of effort leading to these kind of moment and flanked by many more failures to reach this moment.  A necessary and evil cycle, depending on how you look at it. If a fulfilled or successful life is living for these moments (when we achieve our goals, or what we want), means we have to spend every moment of our life trying. How exhausting can it be? or more importantly - how fulfilling and satisfying it can turn out to be.

In the midst of this whole process - breathing, working, mending and keeping relationships. Can be very trying. But try anyway. Its always good to live for yourself, but once in a while, we have to live for somebody/something else. Losing yourself is essential of living life to the fullest.

Just remember the earth turns one way sometimes and all we can do is try to learn, and it most certainly has a wicked sense of humour.

You'll be just as far in, as you'll ever be out.

It's all about the perspective.

You'll always be just as far in, as you'll ever be out.

Just like how,

success is failure inside out.

Monday

Hello!!

Today was perfect. The perfect blend of madness. Within and Without.


Here is one of the most beautiful rendition of :