JOY

Today .. i have found the answers to all my questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE MYSELFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Happiness

Happiness.... when was the last you remembered you were problem-less?For me when i was a kid, with no responsibilities, not corrupted and the most plain things in life brings me fulfillment. Where just bicycle rides and being in the air fulfilled my life.

When eating just fried egg with rice and tomato sauce seemed like the world best food to me,

When i would wait for my dad to come home in the porch everyday and smile at him, his tired face. and call out "PA!!!!". When i would pat my mom's back because she had morning sickness, and sat with her every afternoon to watch her tv shows.

When did things became so complicated? We say no but mean yes. We wanna be honest but we stop because of our ego. We're sad but we don't cry, we smile. We're scared but pretend we're not because we should be strong. We tired but we don't rest. We're in pain but we pretend its ok. Now, i have everything in material form, i have had the best steak, shark fin's soup, lobsters, i have all the clothes i want, i have friends. i have money, i have knowledge. But i don't feel and inch of happiness compared to having fried egg with rice and my mom and dad. I love you, thank you for being supportive.

Mistakes

We are all flawed. We all make mistake, some small some big. Someone told me that good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from mistakes. We make all kinds of mistakes, often we also forget that people make mistakes too.

I can't forgive myself for my own mistakes(ocd case) and i easily forgive the mistakes people commit unto me, or unto themselves. Its so easy for me to tell them, in life, we all make mistakes, and its so easy for me to not judge them,because i believe that they are imperfect. Somehow, i can never convince myself that its ok to make mistakes. However, there are also those who makes mistakes every now and then but forgives themselves easily but hangs on to it when other people makes the mistake.

Funny isn't it. Apparently i have to take a chill pill. But i dunno how... I made that one choice and boom! Some mistakes made only leaves nothing but slight pinch, some scar, some permanent damage. Some mistakes change you so much you get lost in a limbo. I am so negative i could kill myself. If i have to repeat myself 3 times, my blood boils. This is what happens when you study too much maths,because your brain workers faster in a special way-why? there's no time to lose, time is everything. once its gone it will never come back. Speak once, loud and clear thats it. Be specific. Don't repeat-you're nagging. Don't tell me how to do it,because there's not only one way to solve the equation. Don't expect me to read our mind. I keep expecting people not to waste my time.. i am so fast. and i expect everyone to be like that. And i am truly sorry.

People will never understand what goes through my head, heart and mind, they don't understand. People will never understand, they only nod and say yes, but they never do. Walk in my shoes for one day-pls. Then tell me, then you judge me. I am still trying to accept that i am flawed. I wished i could take time to hear the birds sing, feel the rain on my skin. Let the first ray of sun light to light up my life. Look for purple butterflies. Lie on lavender fields. Play with the snow. And be at peace.

Lost

Today i realized that i am a totally different person today as compared to 2 years ago. And i realized it because i am no longer happy, or with all smiles, nor my days bring meaning to my life.

I used to be this bubbly,smiley happy go lucky girl. I used to be. And then what happened?

I should have seen the signs earlier, i should have been wiser to know. But i wasn't.

You see, i have become so impatient, so frustrated, so angry sometimes, so selfish... crazy, and just a ultimately sad. I have never realized this more until few days ago, when i starting getting irritated with something that anyone in this world wouldn't bother- the number of people who are going to present at a gathering.

Then i sit back, thought about it... "who am i, and why am i even bothered about things like that,

what have i become? ", i asked myself. i have become a monster that i don't even recognize. And so i frantically try to see what went wrong, which road left me here. Why am i feeling so helpless and why am i feeling so lost? Little did i realized, that i was stressed, over-stretched , sad, depressed for quite some time. But i had a test the next day, so i sat down and cried and studied.

I felt worthless, and i was waiting for someone to help me define it. Then my sister told me, we are who we define ourselves, not how other define us. But i am so lost i dunno what am i worth. What do i want from myself... What do i want to do, what do i want to be. And i can sit here all day, thinking thinking and just thinking about it. Semi-mid life crisis.

Some tell me do what i like, some tell me to be wise, some tell me to find happiness, some tell me this and that.. but i really am confused. If what i am doing now is making me so miserable.. do i have the right to complain?? Or am i just complaining because its not easy and i just want the easy way out? Maybe i over-estimated myself. I am weak.

Grow up.

Today, i read and article about how A blames B for making his life suck.

It was an article full of emotions-bad emotions, blaming, and just bad attitude.

I didn't bother to finish reading the article because i know the write is immature.

Grown ups know that nothing in life is easy, it is even harder to hold ourselves accountable

for the shit that happens in our life. It is so easy to just point the finger, " because he said that, He made me angry", " because of what she did, it made me angry" . Yes no doubt other peoples action (close individual) has a certain amount of influence on you but don't blame others for what you feel. HOWEVER, sometimes there are really ass holes in this world, and you're going to meet alot of them.

What i am trying to say is that, it takes courage to be accountable to what people and we,ourselves feel. Not everyone can do that. Even adults can't do that. It does reflect your mentality. Sometimes we have to rise above people and be wiser. I'm about to say something that not many will agree with me, weak people won't agree with me. Most of the times, bad feelings is an option. IT IS! You choose to feel that certain way, and habour about it....

So is happiness-It is a state of mind. You can choose to be happy or sad and live in your sad world. Easier said than done, Sometimes i feel so down there's no way i could pull myself together. But with little baby steps. I'm getting nearer to my goal. But i have never blamed people for what i feel, unless their actions really has made things difficult for me.

Come on, grow up. 95% of human beings are not paradigmatic shifters. Be one today. Take accountable for your own actions and emotions. =)

Older=Wiser??

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!! =D

I celebrated my birthday yesterday and it felt great!! The whole week was about my birthday. Last weekend with my parents then with my frens and then with my sister!!! and i had this beautiful cute cake!!!!

So, i am getting older but they say old is gold... I guess so. But on the contrary, i know some very old people who are .... not wise???

Honestly i dread celebrating my own birthday, I would feel awful on this particular day. I'll look back, what have i done for the past year. Did i achieve anything? Have lessons have i learnt? Then it appears to me that i haven't learnt much, grow much, or gained much(except weight)-its like an exponential graph.

After realising that i haven't learnt much for the pass one year, i would feel worst. I AM getting older, when am i going to get things right? or get things down. I feel responsibility creeping up my sleeves and few years down the road, what type of person would i be? Am i working hard enough to achieve what i really desire in life, and honestly- what do i really want in life. Sometimes i think i know, but sometimes i feel like i don't know. I don't know whats out there to offer me,and i can't choose without knowing,seeing and experiencing it!! We always think what we choose is the best, buy we all know its never the best.. There's always something better. Maybe i should just appreciate.

But then again, i am better off than so many people who just waste their life away, for example, wasting time, money and wasting their youth ... i honestly feel, we should learn as much as we can while we can (my brain is getting slower by the day) not as in educational, But in all aspect, if you don't wanna pursue a course, learnt something, gain experience, grow intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, physically... whatever.. As you go with it, you'll find those things that you love and are passionate about. Once you have found it, do it for life. Trust me, waking up everyday knowing you'll do what you love for the rest of your life, brings you pure joy!!

However on my birthday, i realized that i have grew in many ways too. I've learnt to let go,

learnt that happiness is an option. I got to know that, family and close friends matters the most from today until the end of time. However i also got to know that, what goes around sometimes don't come around. No matter how much we try, sometimes its just not meant to be. No matter how much we loved, we will never be loved back the same way (only God can).

I had a wonderful birthday with my sister!!! Thanks Wawel!! =) i love you.

Say it out loud.

If we couldn't talk a day in this world, how would you communicate with everyone? (no technologies please). That leaves us only to a few options, say, writing, our expressions, and nonetheless our actions. They say actions speaks louder than words. True enough indeed.

Just imagine we all can't talk for one day, how would we express our love without "i love yous",

or express how bitchy our bosses are without using b**** or f***?? How would we be channeling our emotions? Are we able to know what people really feel(all those non-expressive people)?

How would we learn in class... just by reading? or we would go out and learn through experience about all the stuffs we studied in physics, chemistry or biology..

Just as actions are important, did you know that hearing is just as important for a person to learn,think and to understand? and how would we hear if there are no words being spoken?

I realized that many people, girls and guys do not have the competency to speak about emotions openly- in short they can't do confrontation.. Its like they will die... and if they are really dying, they wouldn't even dare to confess what they are really feeling inside.. I really don't know why, its a very bad habit. And i struggle with this a lot. Sometimes they just wont say it, just won't. Maybe they have some mental barrier or something.. its like " owwhh, don't talk about emotions... then you'll be unlikable.... don't go there, its embarrassing... Shhhhh, just shut up and suck it up".

Its such a sad thing, why we can't tell our friends that sometimes they are irritating because we don't wanna hurt them... if you don't correct, how would they advance? Why we can't tell people off who use our stuffs without permission.

We all grow, physically, mentally, our technologies, but yet some of us, are incapable of conveying what we feel without having to be like a 5 year old.How to tell people to stop poking their nose into our business without that mean stare? How do we tell people to back off without splashing water on their face? How do we ask people to "shut up" politely? How do we tell people we love them other than "i love yous" . If that is the only phrase you use to express how you feel toward your love one. I feel sorry for you. We rely so much on our expression, we sometimes fail to remember not everyone can read us and our expression. Why leave the other party in a turmoil.. the guessing game is difficult to master-requires too much time, brain power and energy.

Action works all the time, but are we up for it ? Can we say out our feelings without being rude?

Have we been over-estimating and under-estimating the power of words? Why don't be honest and tell the person you really feel, good or bad, in words, in a nice way. I assure you, whether its a good or bad thing. The other party will appreciate it and you will feel lighter.Say what you mean and say it out loud.

Symphony.

Have i ever confessed about my everlasting love for music? - All kinds of music, especially classical.

You can take all genre except classical music away from me..

Tchaikovsky, Rachmaninoff , Brahms.... have i mention the God-sent Chopin..

Listening to these beautiful symphony relaxes my mind, de-stresses me and it takes me to a whole new world. Each piece has its own story to tell, sad, happy, emotional... The emotions are all embedded in the piece itself, however to awake these emotions, it really depends on how it is being delivered by the pianist. Different pianist delivers each piece in different ways, but however i feel that pianist should always try to deliver it the way it was intended to be.. its very important..because interpreting the piece wrongly, kills the whole piece.

Classical music is such a beauty, has been around for centuries and it not comparable to the music we hear nowadays. No where close. Made by prodigies for prodigies and super talented people..And do you know what such natural geniuses who are great at music, are also a wonder-whiz in maths. These are whiz are amazing, some write polonaises at the age of 7..... 7? i think i was busy poking snails in the garden and demanding for ice-cream..

Honestly, sometimes when i listen to classical or watch someone perform.. There is such an immense feeling in me, moving me to tears. To some people its hard to understand classical-its like a cacophony of unwanted different melodies... but to me, it harmonious, complements ... just like an awesome abstract movie.

Tchaikovsky is breath-taking leaves me speechless most of the time, Chopin is beyond description, Strauss dances like a graceful swan. Brahms is so.... english and peaceful..

Rachmaninoff is intense.. Did you know all the pieces written are like love letters to loved-ones..

How marvelous.. to write sonatas, orchestra pieces or waltz for loved-ones....

I totally wished i was born in their era.

Week 6 into my Semester + Monday Blues.

Mondays are bad. The worst day of all days.. Aside from feeling blue.. I have class from 8-6 pm. Its exhausting. I don't know how my dad works like such everyday, but then again learning for so many hours is different from working. But i remember being so tired everyday when i was working to those exact working hours. Maybe its just about how much interest i have in those subjects..

But nope its not that, i don't know.. Its week 6, time flew like superman.. and its the time i have to sit for all my test and meet all my assignment due dates. I feel it. I had a small test today, i didn't do very well. I can explain why, but i did prepare for the test, just not in the way i thought it would be. I spent one week trying out all the hard questions, but the test was so basic i didn't how to make my brain to think that way. I just felt like knocking my head.. but its over..

I feel the pressure and time is always catching up, running faster than me, i am already running throughout my whole life. I am exhausted. I wished my room is Hawaii-but unfortunately its not. Its that time where i have to differentiate all my papers between subjects, find the time to study them and get an A, between all those, i have to clean my room, and change the sheets and do the laundry, and think of what to cook for my meals. and do the dishes and wash the bathroom and fold my clothes.... and then i am already a grumpy person and angry and tired..

But no, i don't get to be.. because i have to be nice in this already not nice world. Not forgetting i have to exercise to keep my fat cells from growing.. Women.. can we really have it all? the super-student, the able-to-cook-person, and the nice girl plus she's hot and be a maid at the same time? I really don't know.Now I really understand the frustration my mom is feeling all these time. Its a vicious cycle, after you're done with one, its already time for the next... capital omg. Save me.

Talk about a nervous/mental breakdown.. i need a desperately need a holiday.. its been years since i had one. And i am tired, and irritable, and emotional.. i just feel like stopping time, and i can't. I wished i took a day off, just for myself. No anything. Just to relax. Just time for yourself, and you don't wanna do the dishes or sit for hours cracking your brains or clean up the room or take out the trash...

But then again, we always have to pick up from where we stopped-the world waits for no man.

Living in a city that barely sleeps, build of concrete jungles.. everything moves so fast. Without knowing it, you're moving with them, at their pace. Sometimes i wonder what are we really chasing and why aren't we getting anything of what we're chasing?

Oh Lord, please give me wisdom to divide my time, and take my weariness away because i am really exhausted. Give me the strength to know what i am doing wrong and help me over come it. What am i chasing Lord, that is making me so tired. I should be chasing you. Forgive me Lord because i have been chasing all the wrong things in life. Lead be me back to your path.

Cheat

Fraud, deceive, dishonestly, to swindle,pretender,to deceit,to trick.

However you may use the word, in different context, for different situations, for everyone of us.

My friend just celebrated her 3rd anniversary with her boyfriend a few days ago, and today she found out that he was cheating on her. Its sad, heart-wrenching... imagine the anger and frustration she's going through.(Her bf works outstation) After all the patients, web-cam sessions, in all those absence - she overcame it all to know that he had another. What to do, men and women are weak -imperfect. Shit happens.

And my friend, took it all in, well and good. She didn't feel like killing him, nor did her eyes swelled up with tears. I believed she just took it in and thats it. I must say, she's a strong lady. Takes a lot of courage to swallow down a mountain of emotions with no resulting reaction. I am the one here, being unable to let it go. I must admit, i take time to let go my emotions. It all happens in my time, in my own way. Some people cant take that. I don't understand how they can just act like nothing happens.. **guys** HOW??????

they're emotional.. but built not to show any-even if they are feeling it. *WEIRD*

Well, i am a woman, and i am emotional.. i wonder how she's taking it.. I bet her ex would be out having a few bucket, having an awesome time.

But but... today i just read in the newspapers that women are the new men.. because we are in touch in our emotions.. Makes us more expressive, more attuned, compassionate and sensitive to the feelings and needs of others... and hence more successful. The article mentioned that the brain of both sexes are the same, but because of the different ways boys and girls are brought up.. It permanently alters the brain.. leaving significant effects on behavior.

Well well.. Here's to you fren, for your courage. One step at a time.