Lost

Today i realized that i am a totally different person today as compared to 2 years ago. And i realized it because i am no longer happy, or with all smiles, nor my days bring meaning to my life.

I used to be this bubbly,smiley happy go lucky girl. I used to be. And then what happened?

I should have seen the signs earlier, i should have been wiser to know. But i wasn't.

You see, i have become so impatient, so frustrated, so angry sometimes, so selfish... crazy, and just a ultimately sad. I have never realized this more until few days ago, when i starting getting irritated with something that anyone in this world wouldn't bother- the number of people who are going to present at a gathering.

Then i sit back, thought about it... "who am i, and why am i even bothered about things like that,

what have i become? ", i asked myself. i have become a monster that i don't even recognize. And so i frantically try to see what went wrong, which road left me here. Why am i feeling so helpless and why am i feeling so lost? Little did i realized, that i was stressed, over-stretched , sad, depressed for quite some time. But i had a test the next day, so i sat down and cried and studied.

I felt worthless, and i was waiting for someone to help me define it. Then my sister told me, we are who we define ourselves, not how other define us. But i am so lost i dunno what am i worth. What do i want from myself... What do i want to do, what do i want to be. And i can sit here all day, thinking thinking and just thinking about it. Semi-mid life crisis.

Some tell me do what i like, some tell me to be wise, some tell me to find happiness, some tell me this and that.. but i really am confused. If what i am doing now is making me so miserable.. do i have the right to complain?? Or am i just complaining because its not easy and i just want the easy way out? Maybe i over-estimated myself. I am weak.