the truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.


My year was fulfilling. How was yours? Happy New Year to you!!

when insomnia kicks in. i just feel like a walking zombie.

I'm totally exhausted but i can't sleep.

My muscles start to cramp, my head feels heavy.

My eyes are burning. And i feel faint. 

Please let me get some sleep

People who say they don't expect anything expects more than everything.

They expect you to love them unconditionally, understand them, take care of their feelings, make them feel special.

But they never do the same for you. Wonder why. I am the one who has to understand, has to love them unconditionally along with all the hurt they caused. And they never fail to make me feel special- like rubbish. 

Then i asked myself again. Why am i making this person a priority when i am just an option to them?

My choice, i choose that option. I let people treat me that way............

ahahahahah.... new year's resolution to be stronger and don't expect anything. don't give everything.

But the Lord said, love each other, love your enemies. Bestow grace upon those who doesn't have my grace and love. So, is my feelings important, or am i to love those who even hurt me.

Christmas and The Last Week of the Year.

So Christmas just passed, its was beautiful- like ever other Christmas.
Mom,Rachel and i were busy as ever in the kitchen preparing for 24,25, and 26th of Dec.
And i made cranberry and orange almond pudding... It turned out OK, just a little sour because of the cranberries.

So, Christmas is over. Everyone has been asking me what i got for Christmas. And i didn't receive any presents at all, like every other year. We just don't practice present exchanging at home. Honestly, i don't know how Santa comes into the picture during Christmas when its all about Jesus.

Christmas for me its a time to reflect that Jesus came to earth, humbly, lowly in a the form of man.
To save the world and take away all my sins and everyone's sins. So, i'm rather delighted to go to church
and celebrate Christmas that way. Then just wishing everyone merry Christmas. Its fulfilling to see everyone in church so excited to come and praise God.

So, now its the last week of the year, how are we going to spend it?
I like to ponder about what i did for this whole one year and how i want to spend my next whole year.
I would want to receive it with open arms and with gladness. God knows how good and bad i have been this year. However,  i pray that the Lord makes me wiser, stronger emotionally and mentally.
I pray that whatever obstacle is placed for me, i can overcome it. I pray i learn to be more full of grace,
and learn to love others as they are. I also hope i can change into a better person, learn to be patient, and forgiving and stop expecting so much from others. =)

How are you going to welcome the year?

Have a great new year.

I love sunsets, its beautiful. And i miss these places. Now that i am done with exams (for now)
I miss the beach and everything that's beautiful. Hopefully i get to capture more sunsets this holiday.
=)

Christmas + Weekend = Disaster.

So i had the exam hours ago, its was kinda ok. But i was expecting 100% or at least 90% but there were a few questions that i couldn't do... Yeah, you know.. the ones that you wished and prayed won't appear on the papers will somehow miraculously appear on it- FIRST PAGE FIRST QUESTION.

So, after the paper i wanted to go out to the nearest shopping mall, just to take a walk.
I haven't been out of my apartment for almost 2 weeks... HAH!.
I wanted to go out so much because i just wanted to see something other than the four walls
in my room.. But unfortunately, after the exam i didn't go because the night before i couldn't
sleep at all. Insomnia is bad, totally.

So my eyes were burning and my shoulders weight a thousand tonnes, and i was so hungry
i could eat a cow. So i got some amazing brunch and just wasted a couple of hours.
I was kinda waiting for my tiredness to kick in, but guess what. It doesn't.
So i'm tossing and turning in bed trying to get some rest but i cant even get abit of it,
and my body needs the rest because its going to break down soon.

So after struggling to sleep, i finally pull myself up from the bed and head downtown.
Oh my, i have never seen KLCC so full before in my entire life. I must say, seeing so many people,
and the lights and decorations it made me more excited about Xmas than i already am.
Massive bargains are going on everywhere, but i wasn't excited at all because i really wanted this one dress and its too expensive for me as a student.. so i have to give it a go. Perhaps next time when
i am earning... So i am in this mourning state *for my dress* and all the shops i went into..
nothing looks appealing to me..

After a few shops, i saw this beautiful dress with a 60% deduction. Without hesitation, i became its owner. Haha, my tiredness went away in an instant.. So after that, i wanted to get a bite and i went
to Chilies, nope. its full and so i thought maybe subway-the queue is longer than the escalator..
So i decided to head home, and almost 7 anyways..

Hungry, tired, and happy.. i headed to the train station. To my horror.........
I see millions of people.. queuing up to get tickets. So i was like... " What to do, Xmas drives everyone excited and mad ".. so i stood in line.. About 20 seconds later, this girl, she came to me and stood in front of me.. I am like OK.

So i said to her "Hello, are you queuing here? "
Her : Yes.
Me : I am queuing here, you just cut me.
Her : No i didn't. You let me cut you.
Thinks *WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY?*
Me : It certainly doesn't start here and for your information, look at the queue behind me *pointing to her*
I turn back and saw 8 pair of eyes staring back at me.
Her : I didn't cut queue ok.
Me  : Ok, alright. You didn't and you can this spot.
And she rolls her eyes at me......


So its Christmas, its a time to give and be happy...

At the end of the day, i am still studying for my next paper. And fever is my new best friend.
And sore throat is my soul mate. They finally came to visit me after all those stressful nights and
all those time which i should be sleeping. Non the less, still excited about my new dress and going
home . =)

Today's already the 17th of december.. i have a paper to sit for tomorrow, and all i can think about is
what to wear for christmas and what presents to buy.
What worries more is... what am i going to bake for Christmas Eve's dinner, i made apple pie last year and the year before.. i repeated it because everyone wanted it.
But this year, i was hoping to make some white christmas wedges to give away to the kids at my church and some little fruit cake chocolate pudding for the adults. Maybe i'll make a pudding.. something a little tangy because we're going to have a feast for christmas eve, perfectly roast turkey, mash potatoes, and some other few small dishes. But mom wants me to roast ribs for Christmas day, so i'm wondering what would go with it.. Hmmm...

Wish me luck for tom, and i can't wait to get home and start my baking and cooking.
Its not a wonder i always feel a little heavier on Christmas Day when i struggle to zip up my
dress. ; ) ... Hopefully i will have time to blog and post up some pics !!!

I am soooooo excited =D

the tranquility of trees and nature can offer..

Stressed.

Its 3 am and i am still studying and my brain is fried. And i can feel it creeping up my shoulders.
Stress. Stress. Stress. My neck hurts and my shoulder blades feels heavy.

When i am stressed, i do all kinds of nonsensical stuffs. I would exercise like a mad woman, because it helps me release my stress and it gives me back my clear mind to i can continue studying.
And i either eat alot or don't eat. Both are equally bad. The worst part of stress is that, most of the days, i cannot fall asleep. My mind works all the time, and when i close my eyes, my brain still does all the calculations and i am still *miraculously trying to memorize all my equations. So, even if i get to sleep, i would wake up being more tired than i was before...

However, i also do realize that when i am stress... i become more creative.
Its the time i cook more, i wear more colorful stuffs.. and i draw more. And i do put on more make up,
i guess its also another way of therapy and releasing my stress.

Christmas is coming and i am so excited , however i have to get over next week.
I can't wait to cook for my family and i am so looking forward to spend time with my loved-ones.
So, there you go.. i'm off to my books again. =)

Lyrics much?

Most of the song now are sung about love and heartaches.. It kinda hit me that in most song, there's always something like i promise i'll never cheat on you, you will be my everything..

Food for thought. What does it mean? Does it mean that we don't have another person other than just our partners, and that very person will be everything in your life?  Well, i guess it not really applicable in this age anymore.

Why do i say so, i believe maybe it was more relevant in the past, like the olden days.
I feel that there wasn't much to do back then. Then you just wake up everyday thinking about
that special person, and then maybe she/he will eventually become everything you think of.

We are so advanced now, there's so many ways to earn money. There are a million things you can do the moment you open your eyes each morning. We get too caught up in the rat race, we choose our work over families and maybe that special someone, and the best part is, it seems so normal because everyone is all busy and doing the same, we don't even realize it.

When do we draw the line between responsibility,work and family&loved ones. I guess that lyrics would be applicable in that way, don't pick your work over me. Or don't make your iphone, ipad, ipod, your money, your car, your job everything.

Don't get me wrong, even i struggle with this. The my everything and i won't cheat on you. Just that, i will be cheating with gadgets and what you call time-management, and multi-tasking.
So... food for thought.

There's no one else I'd rather be.

Hi there, i dunno if anyone is reading. My name is Vanessa Chua.
I am a student. I am a cook. I am a pianist. I am a daughter. I am a sister.

I am a winner and a loser. I am fast and sharp, but slow as well.
I can explain everything to you in detail and still fail to get distinction.
I can listen to you all day but i can't listen to myself.
I can be active one minute and totally lazy the next.
I love nature and tall beautiful buildings at the same time.
I can climb a mountain for you.
I am emotional and level headed at the same time.
I am crazy and very very sane. I can be hopeful and be a wet blanket.
I am a pessimist and an optimist.

I have failed many times in life, still failing. And i am emotional-its ok.
Because i am human, i have a soul. i feel, i live and i savor life.
I live with all the emotions of the world. I love myself for being me.
I am ruin and i love it, because then i am able to transform myself.
And because i am me, i will do it at my time, my space.

Even if i have failed 1000000 times. If that is the number of times i have to fail
in order to pass. I will do it. In my time.

Life is fragile, from the beginning to the end.

=)

Isn't it funny how life works.. It just throws everything back at you... Sometimes its ugly and beautiful at the same time. My life is ugly, beautiful, hard, easy, all at the same time.. its so fulfilling..

And i pray for those who cannot see life in that beautiful light, who keeps on counting money and chasing for it, for those who cannot differentiate between urgent and important, and those who don't know how to smell the dew in the wee hours.... that you will learn how to, someday..  =)

The everyone's life.

I know that everyone goes through this.. the planned life.

You go to school and college, and university  and then you get a job, then you find the great job, and the perfect boyfriend, and then you get engaged and then your whole life turns around, then you re-valuate yourself. if you succeed in finding yourself, you will not get married.. if you're in denial you get married anyway..

then you buy your first house, and car. and get pregnant. have kids, become mad because of your kids, then attend your children's wedding, carry your first grandchild.. then die.

I call this the super planned life. If i could have the guts.. i throw all these away and just live life the way i want it to be. I could, i would... but i cannot because i live in a world where everybody is living a planned life. And i am so... *rolls eyes* fed up of explaining myself...  maybe i am not like everyone.. and my plans are of course going to be different.. but it doesn't mean that i wouldn't get across to the other side...

I wished i had the guts, and its ok if i don't have the money.. maybe i could sell my kidney, or sell blood.. or you know.. work as a dish washer... or sweep floors.. or be a nanny ( =D love kids)
you know.. do things that no one will ever think its glamorous. i would love to be the understated person.... and live a beautiful interesting life.. rather than cursing my boss all day,everyday.. hahhahaahhaha.... or you know... curse the buses, or the stuck coffee machine...  =) i am made for greater things.... not exactly how the world would see it..

XX vs XY

Guys love their boyfriends.
Girls hate their girlfriends.
Thank God i have more guy friends.

In depth or shallow..

Have you ever spoken to people and realize that they have no ......... thinking skills or brains? Whatever they say just doesn't make any sense to you and they are just so shallow..

I always wished and hoped for friends who can speak and hold great conversations.. I guess i have to keep on looking for these people. So far.. i only have less than 5 people.

Unfortunately, there're many people in this world who cannot think critically and creatively.

Honestly, it disturbs the shit out of me.. 

Today, after a long long time, i manage to catch my long time friend online so i decided to chat with her.. and so i asked if she was doing well and bla bla bla.. good enough, she is doing well....

I shall not type out the details of our conversation, but this particular friend of mine, we had the same mentality back then in school. We could click and we're 95% of the time, our wave lengths are of the same box. But today, and many other occasions, she has expressed many of her personal opinions, which i found to be irrelevant to me. 

I feel that her mentality .... is just too hurting for me to go on talking to her.. I was kinda hurt by the opinions she expressed.. She comment that people without certs can't make money, and you can't have anything without money.. and i asked her if the guy she was going to marry was the one? she replied something like... " I am too lazy to find others ,and there's no one else"... and she added that she's not strong like me.. So i thought in my head... that is the most interesting reply i have ever heard of.

So... i thought to myself.. is this how people think? you just settle for whatever is within your reach and capacity? And i was particularly hurt by the fact she was so blinded by benjamins... *she earns quite a lot for a fresh grad and has recently bought a car, and traveled a few places* 

Honestly, i am quite sure i am far more less money than she has but i am grateful for everything is given to me. And i wished i could knock some sense into her, but i can't. i Failed at it.. horribly.

And i personally believe if i had the exact same conversation with another person or a younger girl.. i guess that i will be getting better, more satisfying answers.. Maybe its just her.

My parents are no grads,but i have almost the same opportunity as most people. I might not have a fat bank acct, but i can certain appreciate more things in life other than money. I most certainly have everything money cannot buy. =)

Tireddd

Hello.... i have been so busy foe the past few weeks.. test and i had a little weekend back in my hometown and my parents came up to see me... and BAM.. its end of the month..

And December is coming.. i love decembers, but it always ends too quickly. Time to get people presents and its the time i grow fat.. hahhahaha... for obvious reasons.. Its also the month i get to see everyone back home and cook for them a little .. and bake a little for them.. Owwhh i can't wait.

So if you follow my blogs, you would know that i am battling insomnia.. nowadays, i am sleeping all the time, so exhausted. i guess the exhaustion caught up, and finally i am being able to rest...  but i am so exhausted its so disturbing, i can't do anything much.. Now i am down with some severe backache.. i dunno why.. and my head hurts most of the time.. sleeping too much ehh? hhahahaha

Hilarious!!!! =D

A glimpse of the frustration we go through... Check it out!!!

Deep fried.

I had a long tiring day... i woke up late... but surprisingly i managed to wash my hair and still get to the 

bus stop in time for the bus. Lecture was boring, i was literally nodding away. I tried not to, but oh boy..

I am exhausted ( still having sleepless nights). And i had an hours' break, so i went to the library.

Nothing caught my eyes so i just picked up the newspaper.. and i came across this article about insomnia, written by a freelance writer. I always loved her articles, always witty and funny.

Well, apparently i have chronic insomnia... hahaha 

Causes of chronic insomnia include:

• Depression and/or anxiety.
• Chronic stress.
• Pain or discomfort at night.

Symptoms of Insomnia

Symptoms of insomnia can include:

• Sleepiness during the day.
• General tiredness.
• Irritability.
• Problems with concentration or memory.

Diagnosing Insomnia

If you think you have insomnia, talk to your health care provider. An evaluation may include a physical exam, a medical history, and a sleep history. You may be asked to keep a sleep diary for a week or two, keeping track of your sleep patterns and how you feel during the day. Your health care provider may want to interview your bed partner about the quantity and quality of your sleep. In some cases, you may be referred to a sleep center for special tests.

Treatment for Insomnia

Acute insomnia may not require treatment. Mild insomnia often can be prevented or cured by practicing good sleep habits (see below). If your insomnia makes it hard for you to function during the day because you are sleepy and tired, your health care provider may prescribe sleeping pills for a limited time. Rapid onset, short-acting drugs can help you avoid effects such as drowsiness the following day. Avoid using over-the-counter sleeping pills for insomnia since they may have undesired side effects and tend to lose their effectiveness over time.

Treatment for chronic insomnia includes first treating any underlying conditions or health problems that are causing the insomnia. If insomnia continues, your health care provider may suggest behavioral therapy. Behavioral approaches help you to change behaviors that may worsen insomnia and to learn new behaviors to promote sleep. Techniques such as relaxation exercises, sleep restriction therapy, and reconditioning may be useful.

What- so i am depressed? I have anxiety? Chronic stress? No way.. Hahaha, i am quite certain i have non of these, maybe just a little heart issues.. But it will go away soon, i will make it go away. I hate being on sleeping pills, because 8 hours is never enough.. it makes me groggy the next day..

After reading that article, i left for my tutorial class... i totally forgot that we're having replacement class today.. So Today i will be have a 4.5 hours tutorial class.. Man... My brains were going to get deep fried...

But no.. the class turned out ok.. but she was the most long winded tutor i have ever met.. she repeated the answer 3 times for every question.. I'm like " OK, WE GET YOU ". My brains are still functioning perfectly well, but something got fried. My KNEES GOT FRIED. LIKE GOT FRIED AT 1000 DEGREES WITHOUT OIL.

Man, that class was freezing cold.. and after 4.5 hours... my knees hurt really bad. I wanted to cry. Not again!!!!.... It hurt so much i just went home and just lay down on my bed for hours.. Not to mention, i was trying to sleep.

Maybe that article was right, and maybe i do have something that is really bugging me- but what? I would like to know to. Is there something in there, heart- are you ok? The article mentioned that we have to let go and forgive ourselves and bla bla bla.... aaahhhh. Maybe i am so distracted by the fact i am already picturing myself in that holiday destination.. green fields, blue skies, beautiful people and just me. I swear thats the only think i have been thinking about. Every time i close my eyes, its just there...Anyways,I think i really need some medical help regarding my knees.. i will make an appointment this weekend. Maybe my knee is causing all my depression... because i can't run or do anything normal....

After that i met up with sis, watched a movie.. " Life as we know it" starring Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel- not too bad-funny and i kinda like it.. its a movie you can relate to life. =)


How was your day? Great?

Insomnia.

I can't sleep, and when i don't get my rest.

I can't do anything right. 

Hide and Seek

We meet all types of people in life, some are awesome, some psychotic, some painfully smart.....

But i wonder why i meet a lot of people who are of the same category.. Confused people.

I wished it was funny. Sometimes i think it doesn't involve me because its their life right? WRONG.

Confused people are those who doesn't know what they want in life, and it really shows.

They can't pick a restaurant, they don't know what they want to do, what to eat, they have no idea

about what's next. Then there're some who just can't decide between yes or no.. so one minute they are the yes people the next minute , they say no.. then yes then no...... Its like they just wait to follow people's foot steps. I don't know why, why don't for once, just take the lead, say what you really want to do, say what you feel. Get a backbone. 

Its like they're zombies, just dead people walking, no emotions, no desires, no dreams. You just do what you're supposed to do. Its like they have no appetite for life. I feel deeply for them. Oh my.

Don't you ever want to eat pizza, or double chocolate fudge cake, or just down the damn beer?

Is it that they compromise too much? Or is it that we're so advanced now, given that there are so many

choices out there, we can't choose ( The curse of too many choices? ). Maybe they're not leaders, just followers...  It really drives me nuts, especially when you're out with a group, everyone's waiting for someone to make a decision about where to eat, and so i command. ( If i don't we'll be standing there for - i dunno how long ). Then when we're having our meals, thats when they speak up.. like we shouldn't have came here, we shouldn't this we shouldn't that. [ Ya, we could have not come here, if you spoke up 20 minutes ago !!!!!!!!! ] 

I have this problem mainly with girls-thats why i stay far away from them. About 60% of guys i know are like that. Its kinda frustrating. Sometimes i just want to see a man do his thing. Just for once, make me feel like a woman. Be kick-ass, pick one and stick to it. Be decisive. Same when it comes to emotions, there was once a guy told me he likes me, then a few days later he say no, he doesn't like me anymore.
I mean how can you get confused? Dude..... WTH..... And if you love someone, can you love for one day and not the next? No, you can't .. so what got in the way between your heart's desires and what comes out from your mouth? Was it your ego? or you just don't have the courage to tell what's really happening in there.... Its a waste of time isn't it. As if we don't have enough equations to solve in life... the last thing i need is to get entangled with confused people.

No more hide and seek please we're no longer kids... I don't have all morning to look for you, or your thoughts or your desires. Look for yourself and lay them out..

 Am i expecting too much here? 

Skyline.

 

Batu Caves

Lookout Point

I love the sky.. but too often its too bright for me   to marvel at it, or most of the time, i am too busy to 

  notice the sky.. However, during my holidays,

  I had the chance to take a great look at it and

  click, click, click.

I am not really a fan of buildings, but the view at lookout point was just impressive.

Definitely a place to go with your partner, or else,

go enjoy the view with friends..

These pictures were taken at Kota Kinabalu,

Its just so pictorial and picturesque..

I feel so happy by just looking at it.

hahahhah... =D

Mount Kota Kinabalu

In or Out?

You see all these women wearing tights like as if it is a massive big fashion statement, from young kids to older women wearing them in black,white,red, pink.... Dude, seriously? Tights? You will never catch me in one of those-never. The closest i can get is my gym gear.

Fashion, is a foreign word to me. I am not a fashionable person. You can never catch me my tights, or whats the current trend? MC HAMMER PANTS. Disastrous. I would never consider wearing that, because first of all, we wear clothes to protect ourselves, secondly reason we wear clothes is to look good, and to enhance what we already have in the first place.. the shape of this pants does nothing good for my body.

Fashion or style. My clothes are boring to the core(people my age don't know how to appreciate it), but essential, classic my sister would say. But people without style cannot see this. My guy friends tell me i am boring and tells me that the girl with hot pink tights *sitting in front of us* looks hot. Well, what can i say, wrong audience.To understand my style is to know classic. 

Classics : Shift dresses, little black/red dress. any beautiful nicely fitted dress. beautiful blouses, 

                white shirts, cigarette cut/flare tailored pants , 3 piece pants suit,

                cardigans, pencil/flare skirts, leather jacket. blue ass smacking jeans, basic t-shirts , pumps, 

                ballerina flats, classic open toe shoes,strand of pearls, diamonds.  

This is all you need to look perfectly put together for your entire lifetime. 

I see people trying so hard to stand out. Just mess with the basics and you'll never go wrong. Always wear YOUR SIZE, unless you wanna look like a trash bag or you have put on some weight. Fashion is art, sometimes we just cannot wear them..

You know people who are stylish are those who look so good, they look so put together, and they have a certain aura when they walk down the street. So straighten up your shoulders, tummy in, put on your beautiful clothes, start turning heads for the right reasons.

My oh My

Yesterday night... i dreamt on a man. A beautiful man. He had bright sparkly eyes, he has this
disturbingly full and sexy pink lips. Ohh.. and i was in this foreign place... beautiful, then he leans over,
to kiss me. Wet passionate kiss.. then my phone rang ...........................................

Oh my love.

Hello knee, i am truly sorry for hurting you.
Please, i really love you and i need you to get  better.. quickly.
I miss walking properly and jogging and cycling and swimming...
I miss tossing and turning at night without having to hold you and
place you properly before i turn my body...
So please have mercy.. i haven't had any release of endorphins lately,
so please have mercy....

Get well soonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

So what's next...

So uni has already begun... classes are awesome.. I feel great but i don't really feel that great.
See, i have conquered the highest peak in SEA, ran my 10KM run in an hour. I felt high and mighty,
on top of the world, like i could do anything in this world. The adrenaline is wearing off..
I am starting to feel like a regular person again.. like everyday regular... like

      Hit the snooze button, take a shower, rush for the bus, take out my pencil,
      scribble on my paper what the lecturer just mentioned, come home,
      study, msn, facebook, google, blog sleep.

I guess i need something more than this, i need to keep reminding myself there's something
better and bigger, worth living for out there. Struggling. I guess i just have to believe it.

I feel mentally exhausted. Prior to all the awesomeness, i was in a pretty deep shit hole.
I don't know how i crawled out of there but i did!!!. So i am back, feeling like another regular
person... i feel like i have to clean up my mess... and all these emotional stuffs are so hard to deal with.
I can literally hear loud bangs on the wall on my heart saying- "Listen to me, please stop ignoring me".

That very night, i sat in the dark on my bed, i was up the whole night. I didn't know what shit when
through my head, but i knew it was shit. Because the next day i forgot what was it all about.
But today, i know what is it. Its all the emotions i held back, all the hurt, all the disappointments,
all the hurt and pain. I can't cry, i am so numb i can't cry. But i am taking each day at a time.

I can't keep doing this to myself.. I can't keep telling myself that i need a holiday, and run away
from all the mess right here. Even if i could.. where the hell am i going to get the funds to keep travelling..
But i secretly wished i could =).   Ooohhhh... sometimes i need something bigger than myself, to
remind myself that whatever i am thinking now, worrying, obsessing, what i am hurting about is ......
definitely absofuckinglutely not worth my time. So, let me marvel at your greatness O God... Its actually there, i just have to open my eyes, and appreciate it.

Baby steps baby steps baby steps baby steps. slowly but surely i will get there.
Maybe i should start planning for my next holiday =)

Sabah!!!

After our climb, we ten of us rent a few service apartments and stayed there for 2 nights. We explored the town, went to the Philippino Market , we visited one complex in particular because it was the nearest to us and we ate most our meals there.

*Picture taken next to Philippino market*

It was a time of bonding with everyone, its was nice to get to know people who share the same passion with me, travelling and outdoor sports. We are all soo different, but yet we all could come together and have so much fun. I enjoyed myself so much with these people.
Sze Wen, Alice, Lily, Su cin, Katherine, Winson, and of course the people i know better, like Kee Seng, Alvin and Woon Haw. It was a pleasure holidaying with you guys.

All in all, it was fun for me, would i do it again? HELL YEAH!!!!!!
                                                              

Enjoy!!

This was where we put up for a night, small cottage like house with a beautiful fire place... 

From our little house, we could see the magnificent mountain

that we were going to climb. Beautiful isn't she?? 

This is meeeee!!!! Excited and all smiley...
As mentioned in my previous blog, it was stairs all the way..
Ass tightening workout!!! As you can see, its rather misty,
and it was pretty cooling.

I took many pictures of trees... thats the only thing i snap.Many many trees all around. Most of them were bonsai-looking trees. There were a few beautiful flowers too... The last 3 photos were taken from the peak, on my way down. Breath-taking views. Definitely the most beautiful thing i have ever seen up till today... =)

This is where my life begins.

The sky was beautiful, so was the sea, and the view from above was breath-taking.

Everything was so tiny from air. Clouds look like cotton candies hanging from the clear blue sky.

Huge oil tankers looked like pencils, islands looked like chocolate cubes... imagine me... i must be sooooo tiny...

So here i am, in Sabah, mentally and physically ready to climb Mount KK.

We reached the airport about 2, and had lunch.. we had some difficulty getting transports to fetch us to KK park which is about 2.5 hours from the airport.. nonetheless, we managed to get relatively cheap transport and reached KK park at 6pm. Our journey up was just... breathtaking. Beautiful, just something i needed, no buildings, no trains, no honking, no angry people... just the sky, clouds, clear cool air and loads of smiley people... =) We had dinner and went to bed early.

6th Oct

I woke up at 6 am, packed, had breakfast and at 7 sharp, left for the timpohon gate, all ready for my hike. The first 1 km was kinda relaxing, but after that, it was stairs all the wayyyyyyyyyyyyy.... and i thought i was ready for this!!!! CAPITAL oh M gee.

My arse has never felt so tight....... =P

But i didn't feel tired at all, was too busy drinking in the beauty of it all. The air was cool enough, and it made my hike comfortable. Kept on munching chocs for energy!!!

After hiking for about 5 hours, i reached the 6th km mark(Laban Rata) , where all of us would rest for a few hours and continue our hike up to the submit.

My legs were ok, hasn't turn into jelly yet, but i needed to rest. Just as i thought i could check in.... then i just realized i had to climb a little more to my room.................................................

AAARRRGGGGHHHHH, with all my strength i marched up and was glad, that i could rest a little.... I was drenched in rain and had to take a bath. GUESS WHAT, water heaters were not working......................................................... so i did take a bath... the water was like... a tiny mouse's tail, and i had to stand under the shower for ages to wash my hair..... by the time i finished bathing, i couldn't feel my toes or finger. I have died and rose again. Did i mention it was 10 degrees C??????????????????????????????

We had dinner at 5 and played cards till about 8pm and headed for the bed, as our climb begins at 2am. I wore 5 long sleeve shirts including a wool turtleneck on top of that i wore a windbreaker, i had 4 pants on, 3 pair of socks. I had 2 blankets, and a sleeping bag.

I WAS STILL SHIVERING!!!!! i thought i could get some rest before the morning hike, but it was too cold for me to even sleep and i had trouble breathing (asthma).

7th Oct

2 am came faster than i thought, we had breakfast and started out hike up.

We need to climb another 2.5km to reach the peak. For the first 1km, its was stairs- VERY STEEP STAIRS. ALL THE WAY. and it was getting colder as we kept on walking and walking. My legs were exhausted, and i had to breathe harder as the air was thinner as we got up.

The next 1.5 km was difficult for me, it was literally mountain climbing, we had to use ropes to pull ourselves up. I found myself stopping very frequently-very exhausting and i stared wheezing. Thank God for Alvin and Sean, they helped me a lot, they stopped and waited for me,made sure i was ok. Gruesome... really gruesome. At about 5.30 am i stopped to catch my breath, but i that the sun was coming up, so i said, i have to make it to the top before it comes out. So with all my strength from my everywhere, i hiked up and reached the peak, but i didn't get to see the sun rise!!!!!!!!!!!! its was too misty.The wind up there was furious, i was shaking like mad, trying so hard to take decent pictures.

The pic above was one of the spectacular views from above. Not only i got to see the sunrise,

i found peace within myself, and i accepted myself for being different and i am so much happier than before, all with the help from God. Thank you Lord for giving me the strength for doing this, making me see the bigger picture which i cannot fathom most of the times.

Ok enough of emo stuffs... we didnt stay for long, its was too cold.. Going down was just as difficult as going up. Only in the light i realised how steep and difficult was the climb to the peak.

We all had lunch and headed for back down, my journey back down was terrible.

It was raining like cats and dogs, i was drenched, tired, and my knees hurt like mad.. =(

I was soooo tired of feeling the pain, so i ran for the last 2 km, reached in approximately 3 hours and waited for the rest... My knees were goneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... =(

We had lunch and headed off to Kota Kinabalu city..... *to be continued*

Moving on.

It has dawned upon me that, what keeps us going. Maybe for some of us, its sheer excitement, responsibility, passion, money, satisfaction and whatever else it takes for us to move on.

But what happens if we can't move on? What happens if we fail?

Do we stop doing the things we do because we are restricted, or we try something else.

When we fail, what happens? Some of us, just don't think about it and pretend like nothing ever happened. What the hell is that? Some of us party so hard and puke so much. Or some of us-

We can sit,cry and ponder what went wrong. Soothe yourself with a tub of ice cream. Or go shopping. Have a bottle of wine. Take a long bath. Lit up scented candles.

Or we go on a holiday for a break so that we can take a step back to see what has been going on lately.No matter what we do, it comes back to us, we can try running away for a holiday, run to the club and shake all your problems out. It.is.still.there.

How do we cope with it? As in really deal with it? For some people, when there's a problem, they just disappear, because by disappearing you make the problem go away. Like i said, some live in denial. Some deal with it positively. Some take in all the disappointment and sadness and turn it into a flower. Some go to the gym. Some meditate. I am sure we all didn't wanna do any of these when we knew that we failed. We just did WHAT we HAD to do, to repair our souls, to stay sane and alive just to take you through the next stage. Then when you get there, your mind set must change.I meditate, i know.. whatever.. It is so funny that sometimes people think that we are running away from the problem. It is actually the total opposite. You take time out to sit down, for hours, in silence. And it is the time you face the truth- your fears, your insecurities, and be real with yourself. Trust me, we all know the answers to everything, but can we just silent the mind to access them? Meditate.

Then when the change has taken place, when you are ready to take on the world. What would you choose? Would you continue to try to strive for success in whatever situation, or would you just leave and start afresh again. If you could continue and still try again, it is strength. If you quit, and decided to start afresh, it is also strength. I am sure in both scenarios, striving for the best requires the same mentality, same strength and same commitment level.However, being a winner is when you can be honorable, know when and what choice is for the best, regardless of what you want. Take what you need and move on, even if it means staying at the same spot, having the same dream but taking a different route.

Alone vs lonely.

Hie....................... its exam period... and i have the urge to write even more because of the stress...=p. Well.. about loneliness and being alone, its almost the same but very very different at the same time.

Ever since i moved to kl for my studies, i have been alone most of the time, cause my family is so far away, and all my close friends are all around the world, and it quiet difficult for me to make new friends cause i am super shy and i dunno how to ice break.. whatever. So yea, i have been alone most of the time, but i do enjoy being alone actually. You take time for yourself. All your activities are the things you wanna do, not what others wanna do. I watch the movie i wanna watch, i eat what i wanna eat, at my own time, my own place. There's no fuss, its easy. Thats why i find it so hard to go out in groups, because no one actually can come to a conclusion because we have to satisfy everyone... and we all know-we really cannot satisfy everyone.

Being lonely is so different from being alone. Alone is just being by yourself, but lonely is when, you are alone or surrounded my people but you have this emptiness in your heart you cannot fill. And you just don't know what to do, can you cannot make it go away. Then you start to make distract yourself with work, sleeping, going out massively..... but you know you're doomed the minute you hit the bed. I don't know but whenever i hit the bed, i do a self reality check.... and then it creeps up to you.... that you are lonely.

Loneliness cannot be cured by anyone. you could be surrounded by friends and laugh. but you can still feel the emptiness. Then sometimes you wanna call that special someone, what if you don't have that special someone? Be like me, if you feel lonely. DEAL WITH IT.

Make your way out of it, Draw a map about it, and sit on it. For once in your life, welcome the human experience. Never once, use people's existence or emotion to fill yourself up. Its cheating. You're cheating yourself. Be around it, get out of it. You'll be stronger, plus you know how to deal with the next time around.

The Heart

The heart fails you when you do not protect it from nasty people, nasty food.

Lately my heart has been failing me big time. Too much too fast, made me realized how much i was actually missing out. I have been giving too much receiving too little. Trying harder but getting lesser. Then i tell myself, why do i have to go through this? Am i not worthy enough to be treated like a lady? Right there and then, i know that i deserved it, then tears of joy flowed from my eyes, i closed my eyes and cried hard. i have woken up.

There's a fine line between hope and reality. I've been hoping for far too long for changes to take place but the truth has been staring at me for a long time now. THINGS ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE. So... my heart stopped giving. Not because it cannot, just because it doesn't want to.

I don't even feel sad a bit. I've never felt so alive. When we let go, we can feel like the burden has been lifted off your shoulders. Then again, did you make it go away, or did you run away. How much can someone take...

It doesn't mean you give more, you receive more. When you don't communicate, and suddenly everything is about fighting. When you don't care enough to love the person. you take things for granted. You think you had me, but you didn't, and you won't anymore. why? becausei don't wanna live like that for the rest of my life- Living with a person who cannot feel, cannot love, who is not excited about me or us at all, don't know how to appreciate, to care and show concern, who cannot have matured conversations with me.

Hello lover, here i come for you.

Pain

Pain, what would we do with and without it.

Have you ever feel so much pain, you just wanna sit down and daze, no tears, no sadness. just numb. Sometimes i feel so much pain i can't breathe. Sometimes when its so overwhelming, my body takes over my mind. Then you will find me running 8km, eating non stop, not eating at all, not sleeping, self-destructing, watching movies but not watching anything at all, dazing, sleeping non stop. Then you will also see me getting irritated at forks and spoons, how i would plot to kill someone when the train comes late. Most of then time, i would stare into the space and cry. I would cry at dogs, songs, words, at butterflies, trees.

Why do we feel pain, is it because we were disappointed, angry, an elevated level of frustration ,

or is someone's hurtful words? or was is someone's attitude, or failure, or when we're lonely,

when things don't go according to plans? Its all of it, its when i expect and don't get it. Sometimes, i get hurt by words. By unthoughtful and selfish people. Sometimes i feel pain when i try and i am still at the same spot.

Pain always makes me stronger. It makes me want to be a better person. It teaches me that disappointed,angry, frustration is here to stay... but how am i going to channel my pain?

Sometimes i look at the sky for strength, i look at butterflies for comfort, sometimes when i look at dogs with so much sadness in my eyes, i feel that they understand me more than any human being can... Most of the time i lie down and cry. Then i ask God why put this on me, why am i the one who gives and don't receive? Why so much pain for me?

Then He answers me "You have to learn that pain is good. With pain you can learn and overcome it... most importantly...Because i first loved you, so that you could give others". Then i just marvel that the greatness of my God, that i have to always rely on Him to help me love those who inflict pain onto me. I can, because He first loved me. I can never imagine a world without pain... self destruction. What if i get hit by a bus and i feel no pain. what if i got burn by fire and i feel no pain. What if my legs were chopped off and i still felt no pain?? i am grateful for the pain i feel. It makes me feel i am alive.

Self Accomplishment =)

Hieeee, its been quite a while since i blogged.. been pretty busy with life =D

A weekend with parent in Malacca, bf's graduation, hangout sessions, exams, test, assignment...

But the best of the best was today's event. I climbed Crystal Hill, and you can find crystals forming everywhere!!! =D

I must say it was very refreshing. Felt very different, i was so excited. It was my first time climbing a hill with all my other friends. It was quite steep at some point and we had to rock climb a little too.. We took approximately about 4 hours to reach the peak and go back down.. Here are some pictures .. Enjoy!!

JOY

Today .. i have found the answers to all my questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE MYSELFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Happiness

Happiness.... when was the last you remembered you were problem-less?For me when i was a kid, with no responsibilities, not corrupted and the most plain things in life brings me fulfillment. Where just bicycle rides and being in the air fulfilled my life.

When eating just fried egg with rice and tomato sauce seemed like the world best food to me,

When i would wait for my dad to come home in the porch everyday and smile at him, his tired face. and call out "PA!!!!". When i would pat my mom's back because she had morning sickness, and sat with her every afternoon to watch her tv shows.

When did things became so complicated? We say no but mean yes. We wanna be honest but we stop because of our ego. We're sad but we don't cry, we smile. We're scared but pretend we're not because we should be strong. We tired but we don't rest. We're in pain but we pretend its ok. Now, i have everything in material form, i have had the best steak, shark fin's soup, lobsters, i have all the clothes i want, i have friends. i have money, i have knowledge. But i don't feel and inch of happiness compared to having fried egg with rice and my mom and dad. I love you, thank you for being supportive.

Mistakes

We are all flawed. We all make mistake, some small some big. Someone told me that good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from mistakes. We make all kinds of mistakes, often we also forget that people make mistakes too.

I can't forgive myself for my own mistakes(ocd case) and i easily forgive the mistakes people commit unto me, or unto themselves. Its so easy for me to tell them, in life, we all make mistakes, and its so easy for me to not judge them,because i believe that they are imperfect. Somehow, i can never convince myself that its ok to make mistakes. However, there are also those who makes mistakes every now and then but forgives themselves easily but hangs on to it when other people makes the mistake.

Funny isn't it. Apparently i have to take a chill pill. But i dunno how... I made that one choice and boom! Some mistakes made only leaves nothing but slight pinch, some scar, some permanent damage. Some mistakes change you so much you get lost in a limbo. I am so negative i could kill myself. If i have to repeat myself 3 times, my blood boils. This is what happens when you study too much maths,because your brain workers faster in a special way-why? there's no time to lose, time is everything. once its gone it will never come back. Speak once, loud and clear thats it. Be specific. Don't repeat-you're nagging. Don't tell me how to do it,because there's not only one way to solve the equation. Don't expect me to read our mind. I keep expecting people not to waste my time.. i am so fast. and i expect everyone to be like that. And i am truly sorry.

People will never understand what goes through my head, heart and mind, they don't understand. People will never understand, they only nod and say yes, but they never do. Walk in my shoes for one day-pls. Then tell me, then you judge me. I am still trying to accept that i am flawed. I wished i could take time to hear the birds sing, feel the rain on my skin. Let the first ray of sun light to light up my life. Look for purple butterflies. Lie on lavender fields. Play with the snow. And be at peace.

Lost

Today i realized that i am a totally different person today as compared to 2 years ago. And i realized it because i am no longer happy, or with all smiles, nor my days bring meaning to my life.

I used to be this bubbly,smiley happy go lucky girl. I used to be. And then what happened?

I should have seen the signs earlier, i should have been wiser to know. But i wasn't.

You see, i have become so impatient, so frustrated, so angry sometimes, so selfish... crazy, and just a ultimately sad. I have never realized this more until few days ago, when i starting getting irritated with something that anyone in this world wouldn't bother- the number of people who are going to present at a gathering.

Then i sit back, thought about it... "who am i, and why am i even bothered about things like that,

what have i become? ", i asked myself. i have become a monster that i don't even recognize. And so i frantically try to see what went wrong, which road left me here. Why am i feeling so helpless and why am i feeling so lost? Little did i realized, that i was stressed, over-stretched , sad, depressed for quite some time. But i had a test the next day, so i sat down and cried and studied.

I felt worthless, and i was waiting for someone to help me define it. Then my sister told me, we are who we define ourselves, not how other define us. But i am so lost i dunno what am i worth. What do i want from myself... What do i want to do, what do i want to be. And i can sit here all day, thinking thinking and just thinking about it. Semi-mid life crisis.

Some tell me do what i like, some tell me to be wise, some tell me to find happiness, some tell me this and that.. but i really am confused. If what i am doing now is making me so miserable.. do i have the right to complain?? Or am i just complaining because its not easy and i just want the easy way out? Maybe i over-estimated myself. I am weak.

Grow up.

Today, i read and article about how A blames B for making his life suck.

It was an article full of emotions-bad emotions, blaming, and just bad attitude.

I didn't bother to finish reading the article because i know the write is immature.

Grown ups know that nothing in life is easy, it is even harder to hold ourselves accountable

for the shit that happens in our life. It is so easy to just point the finger, " because he said that, He made me angry", " because of what she did, it made me angry" . Yes no doubt other peoples action (close individual) has a certain amount of influence on you but don't blame others for what you feel. HOWEVER, sometimes there are really ass holes in this world, and you're going to meet alot of them.

What i am trying to say is that, it takes courage to be accountable to what people and we,ourselves feel. Not everyone can do that. Even adults can't do that. It does reflect your mentality. Sometimes we have to rise above people and be wiser. I'm about to say something that not many will agree with me, weak people won't agree with me. Most of the times, bad feelings is an option. IT IS! You choose to feel that certain way, and habour about it....

So is happiness-It is a state of mind. You can choose to be happy or sad and live in your sad world. Easier said than done, Sometimes i feel so down there's no way i could pull myself together. But with little baby steps. I'm getting nearer to my goal. But i have never blamed people for what i feel, unless their actions really has made things difficult for me.

Come on, grow up. 95% of human beings are not paradigmatic shifters. Be one today. Take accountable for your own actions and emotions. =)

Older=Wiser??

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!! =D

I celebrated my birthday yesterday and it felt great!! The whole week was about my birthday. Last weekend with my parents then with my frens and then with my sister!!! and i had this beautiful cute cake!!!!

So, i am getting older but they say old is gold... I guess so. But on the contrary, i know some very old people who are .... not wise???

Honestly i dread celebrating my own birthday, I would feel awful on this particular day. I'll look back, what have i done for the past year. Did i achieve anything? Have lessons have i learnt? Then it appears to me that i haven't learnt much, grow much, or gained much(except weight)-its like an exponential graph.

After realising that i haven't learnt much for the pass one year, i would feel worst. I AM getting older, when am i going to get things right? or get things down. I feel responsibility creeping up my sleeves and few years down the road, what type of person would i be? Am i working hard enough to achieve what i really desire in life, and honestly- what do i really want in life. Sometimes i think i know, but sometimes i feel like i don't know. I don't know whats out there to offer me,and i can't choose without knowing,seeing and experiencing it!! We always think what we choose is the best, buy we all know its never the best.. There's always something better. Maybe i should just appreciate.

But then again, i am better off than so many people who just waste their life away, for example, wasting time, money and wasting their youth ... i honestly feel, we should learn as much as we can while we can (my brain is getting slower by the day) not as in educational, But in all aspect, if you don't wanna pursue a course, learnt something, gain experience, grow intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, physically... whatever.. As you go with it, you'll find those things that you love and are passionate about. Once you have found it, do it for life. Trust me, waking up everyday knowing you'll do what you love for the rest of your life, brings you pure joy!!

However on my birthday, i realized that i have grew in many ways too. I've learnt to let go,

learnt that happiness is an option. I got to know that, family and close friends matters the most from today until the end of time. However i also got to know that, what goes around sometimes don't come around. No matter how much we try, sometimes its just not meant to be. No matter how much we loved, we will never be loved back the same way (only God can).

I had a wonderful birthday with my sister!!! Thanks Wawel!! =) i love you.

Say it out loud.

If we couldn't talk a day in this world, how would you communicate with everyone? (no technologies please). That leaves us only to a few options, say, writing, our expressions, and nonetheless our actions. They say actions speaks louder than words. True enough indeed.

Just imagine we all can't talk for one day, how would we express our love without "i love yous",

or express how bitchy our bosses are without using b**** or f***?? How would we be channeling our emotions? Are we able to know what people really feel(all those non-expressive people)?

How would we learn in class... just by reading? or we would go out and learn through experience about all the stuffs we studied in physics, chemistry or biology..

Just as actions are important, did you know that hearing is just as important for a person to learn,think and to understand? and how would we hear if there are no words being spoken?

I realized that many people, girls and guys do not have the competency to speak about emotions openly- in short they can't do confrontation.. Its like they will die... and if they are really dying, they wouldn't even dare to confess what they are really feeling inside.. I really don't know why, its a very bad habit. And i struggle with this a lot. Sometimes they just wont say it, just won't. Maybe they have some mental barrier or something.. its like " owwhh, don't talk about emotions... then you'll be unlikable.... don't go there, its embarrassing... Shhhhh, just shut up and suck it up".

Its such a sad thing, why we can't tell our friends that sometimes they are irritating because we don't wanna hurt them... if you don't correct, how would they advance? Why we can't tell people off who use our stuffs without permission.

We all grow, physically, mentally, our technologies, but yet some of us, are incapable of conveying what we feel without having to be like a 5 year old.How to tell people to stop poking their nose into our business without that mean stare? How do we tell people to back off without splashing water on their face? How do we ask people to "shut up" politely? How do we tell people we love them other than "i love yous" . If that is the only phrase you use to express how you feel toward your love one. I feel sorry for you. We rely so much on our expression, we sometimes fail to remember not everyone can read us and our expression. Why leave the other party in a turmoil.. the guessing game is difficult to master-requires too much time, brain power and energy.

Action works all the time, but are we up for it ? Can we say out our feelings without being rude?

Have we been over-estimating and under-estimating the power of words? Why don't be honest and tell the person you really feel, good or bad, in words, in a nice way. I assure you, whether its a good or bad thing. The other party will appreciate it and you will feel lighter.Say what you mean and say it out loud.

Symphony.

Have i ever confessed about my everlasting love for music? - All kinds of music, especially classical.

You can take all genre except classical music away from me..

Tchaikovsky, Rachmaninoff , Brahms.... have i mention the God-sent Chopin..

Listening to these beautiful symphony relaxes my mind, de-stresses me and it takes me to a whole new world. Each piece has its own story to tell, sad, happy, emotional... The emotions are all embedded in the piece itself, however to awake these emotions, it really depends on how it is being delivered by the pianist. Different pianist delivers each piece in different ways, but however i feel that pianist should always try to deliver it the way it was intended to be.. its very important..because interpreting the piece wrongly, kills the whole piece.

Classical music is such a beauty, has been around for centuries and it not comparable to the music we hear nowadays. No where close. Made by prodigies for prodigies and super talented people..And do you know what such natural geniuses who are great at music, are also a wonder-whiz in maths. These are whiz are amazing, some write polonaises at the age of 7..... 7? i think i was busy poking snails in the garden and demanding for ice-cream..

Honestly, sometimes when i listen to classical or watch someone perform.. There is such an immense feeling in me, moving me to tears. To some people its hard to understand classical-its like a cacophony of unwanted different melodies... but to me, it harmonious, complements ... just like an awesome abstract movie.

Tchaikovsky is breath-taking leaves me speechless most of the time, Chopin is beyond description, Strauss dances like a graceful swan. Brahms is so.... english and peaceful..

Rachmaninoff is intense.. Did you know all the pieces written are like love letters to loved-ones..

How marvelous.. to write sonatas, orchestra pieces or waltz for loved-ones....

I totally wished i was born in their era.